… is a new category here at University Diaries, meant to designate writing that’s not bad, but is certainly very weak. Writing that’s aiming for impact, but doesn’t get there because… well, let’s go to the tape.
(The title comes from Humbert Humbert’s description of Charlotte Haze:
The poor lady was in her middle thirties, she had a shiny forehead, plucked eyebrows and quite simple but not unattractive features of a type that may be defined as a weak solution of Marlene Dietrich.)
A writer for the Lawrence Journal – World & News tries to get a grip on Kansas University athletics. (Scathing Online Schoolmarm adds her commentary in blue.)
Last year, Kansas University athletic department officials announced plans to build a “Gridiron Club” facility along the top of the east side of KU’s Memorial Stadium.
The club would provide deluxe seating for approximately 3,000 people who would pay from $30,000 to $105,000 per seat depending on the number of years they commit to. [Get a load of those numbers! For a seat.] It would be premium seating with all types of extras and special parking on the east side of the stadium. [Extras usually means free alcohol. That plus the parking makes a hundred thousand dollars a bargain.]
Athletics department officials even went so far as to ask Lawrence city officials to change the configuration of the intersection at 11th and Mississippi streets to make it easier for Gridiron Club members to get to their reserved parking spaces. [Did they succeed? Guess not. But this also helps you see how these guys earn their high salaries. Someone's gotta spend university time changing street configurations for rich people.]
At the time of the announcement, Athletic Director Lew Perkins said he planned to commit $40 million from the club’s revenues to the university for academic needs. This $40 million would be paid over a period of time after the club was in operation. [And... Were there actually some people in Kansas dim enough to believe this? Or do you have to be a resident of the Show Me State to feel skeptical about things?]
The club was to be ready for the start of the 2010 football season, but for various reasons, the project seems dead — or on life support — at this time. Athletic officials said they would not start construction until something close to $34 million had been raised for the project. [Why is this writing weak? Well, look what he's done. He's told a story. He's rather dully told a story. But what's his point? We should know what he's arguing by now.]
A large sign promoting the project still hangs from the east side of the stadium, but there is no way a Gridiron Club will be in operation this season because pledges and contributions are far short of the $34-plus million mark. [So why did he say up there that "for various reasons" the project's dead? It's dead for an obvious reason - There aren't enough asshats in Kansas to go for the seat deal.]
In the meantime, a new super-duper scoreboard has been unveiled at the south end of the stadium. This $3.2 million fixture is supposed to increase fan enjoyment, act as an incentive for the players and probably impress recruits. [There's a tone problem, isn't there? Is the writer complaining about a university that spends money on go-nowhere athletic ideas and pointless scoreboards? ...The word super-duper is lame. Does he mean to make fun of the scoreboard by calling it super-duper? Doesn't work. The word's too lame... And supposed to. What's that supposed to be doing? Is it supposed to be criticizing the stupid motivations behind buying the scoreboard? Not clear. Weak writing.]
KU officials said funding for the $3.2 million video board was part of a five-year, $86 million extension to a multimedia deal between KU and IGM College. This extension takes the agreement between KU and IGM through the 2021-22 academic year.
There is no question that Perkins’ commitment of $40 million from the athletic department was made to show the department’s deep, genuine concern and interest in the university’s academic and research efforts. This, at a time when there has been growing concern among KU faculty and off-campus alumni and friends about the free-spending philosophy of the athletic department when the academic side of the school has been forced to tighten its financial belt. [There is no question... deep, genuine concern... growing concern... tighten its belt. We've got a combination of cliches and redundancy here, creating vague, timid, uncommitted writing. Where is the writer? What does he think? What does he want us to think? Why does he say the athletic department has a free-spending philosophy? Why doesn't he just say it spends freely? This is writing that misses all its marks.]
This week, KU administrators, Interim Provost Danny Anderson and Chancellor Bernadette Gray-Little asked members of the Kansas Board of Regents to OK an 8.2 percent increase in tuition and fees for Kansas residents who are undergraduates at KU.
The chancellor said this increase is needed because there has been a steady “de-investment” by state government in higher education since 1985 that has become more pronounced in the current budget crisis.
The “de-investment” should be a matter of great concern, [Concern again.] but it also should trigger some serious thinking about why this has happened. Sure, the economy and available tax dollars are a major reason, but so is the inability of those serving as regents and those serving as chancellors and presidents at state universities, as well as the public, to promote the importance of proper fiscal support for the various schools. [Finally we're getting to some sort of point. But it's way late in the game, and the writer remains timid, passive, using deadly formulations: promote the importance of proper fiscal support for the various schools...]
In fact, the university and regents have done a poor, ineffective job. One of the top prerequisites for chancellors or presidents today is that they be articulate, effective and enthusiastic spokespeople for their respective schools.
This is an issue that should be of great concern to all Kansans. [Concern.] [What is the point of this sentence?]
But, getting back to the proposed tuition hikes …
KU officials claim the entire KU tuition and fees package will raise $11 million in new revenue, but not enough to make up recent budget cuts.
Here’s a chance for AD Perkins, his athletic department associates and members of the Kansas Athletics board to demonstrate their genuine concern [Forget it.] and desire to help meet the needs of the academic side of the university.
The fancy scoreboard was made possible by part of a five-year, $86 million extension of a deal with the marketing and promotions firm IGM. The financial stability of the athletic department looks pretty good.
Perkins said he planned to commit $40 million to academic programs once his Gridiron Club was built, which was supposed to be by this fall.
Obviously his heart is in the right place, [Why is this obvious?] and his announcement, shortly after Gray-Little moved into her office, shows he wants to do what he can to help the school and help the chancellor.
So, if he could find $3.2 million out of the $86 million deal with IGM to fund a new scoreboard, why not go ahead and start to carry out his plan to provide $40 million, over the next five to 10 years, to the academic side of the school? [This sentence belonged in the first paragraph of the article.]
This would amount to either $8 million or $4 million a year to help KU soften the budget cuts. It might even be enough to make a slight cut in the tuition increase.
Such an action would serve as a giant public relations boost for the athletic department. It certainly needs some help considering how it spends millions when others at KU are asked to absorb cuts and, now, with the embarrassing ticket scam that has prompted FBI and Internal Revenue Service agents to investigate what goes on at Allen Fieldhouse under Perkins’ stewardship. [Ticket scam shows up in the next to last paragraph? WTF? Put things together - the Gridiron Club fiasco, the super-duper scoreboard, corruption that stinks enough to get the FBI and IRS on campus, and you've got quite a picture, don't you? Only you're not getting it here.]
Why not seize this timely opportunity and make a financial commitment, starting immediately, that would reflect credit and general appreciation on the athletic department, help the university and gain positive national attention? [Just the opposite of hard-hitting. A weak solution of Marlene Dietrich.]
