You know what would be really cool?

Harvard University (endowment $36-plus billion, but it’s got far more money than that if you count other assets) PLUS one of these guys:

In 1999 .. the 10 largest collegiate football programs brought in $229 million in revenue. By 2012, the same schools reported revenue of $762 million. “Profit margins had ballooned to hedge-fund levels.” … Overwhelmingly, the cash is reinvested in athletic programs. As a Texas sports official put it, “We eat what we kill.”

What an amazing school that would be… What an icon of the postmodern university… Unimaginably rich, it would hoard/eat its cash, so that little to no money would be put to academic use…

Imagine this school as a massive nubbed therapy ball stuffed with a trillion dollars. Fund managers and sundry money fetishists would be invited to squat on its nubs and bounce around …

“[S]tudent tuition is increasing at a steady clip on average more than the rate increase of operating expenses, all while Yale’s endowment is seeing huge gains.”

Yale University: Eat the Rich.

The New University of West Virginia Fight Song.

Excerpts. In honor of the dean of the WVU School of Public Health.

I brush my teeth with Coca-Cola, wash my face with mountain dew
We live down in chemical valley, licorice water runnin’ through,
Licorice water runnin’ through

… All is money, all is power, one man’s loss is another’s gain
I just do the best I can, put out my bucket, pray for rain
Put out the bucket and pray for rain

… Once we were Almost Heaven, now we’re open for business
That’s the place that I call home, West Virginia

“In a time of economic hardship, when the citizens of the state that we serve are suffering, the Provost’s decision to accept a position on Nike’s corporate board has drawn unwelcome and harmful public attention to her and to the President, both of whom already earn excessive salaries and, by accepting lucrative positions on corporate boards, seem clearly to be cashing in on their public positions.”

Ah, a walk down memory lane. This is from a 2010 AAUP report expressing dismay at Phyllis Wise (then a high-ranking administrator at the University of Washington) following in the footsteps of UW’s then president Mark Emmert (who as current head of the farcical NCAA makes far far FAR bigger bucks than he did on all of his presidential corporate boards) and displaying her I could give a shit greed to the world.

To Wise’s claim that Nike’s board was interested in her special expertise in their line of work, the AAUP responded:

It is difficult to see what special interest the Nike Corporation could possibly have in Phyllis Wise’s research expertise in obstetrics and gynecology.

Er… How to screw your employees?…

UD is therefore SOOOO not surprised that Wise is insisting on leaving her latest place of employment with every penny coming to her.

One day after the board of trustees rejected her first attempt, the former UI chancellor again tendered her resignation Thursday night, saying she would not accept a position as special assistant to the president and that she is consulting with her lawyers about ways to protect her reputation…

‘[T]he University agreed to provide the compensation and benefits to which I was entitled, including $400,000 in deferred compensation that was part of my 2011 employment contract.’

I want it all! You think by changing your mind and ‘terminating’ instead of retiring me you can avoid yet more ridicule (the University of Illinois has generated tons of that over the last few years) about the four hundred thou reward for the way I handled Salaita and other matters?

YOU CAN’T FIRE ME. I RESIGN. I RESIGN AGAIN. I RESIGN AGAIN. AND AGAIN.

It’s what Kierkegaard called infinite resignation:

Infinite resignation is the last stage before faith, so anyone who has not made this movement does not have faith, for only in infinite resignation does an individual become conscious of his eternal validity, and only then can one speak of grasping existence by virtue of faith.

As Wise embarks on her spiritual journey, the rest of us can giggle at the spectacle (see this post, about comedy and repetition) of Wise and her university tossing the terminate/resign ball back and forth. At great expense to Illinois taxpayers, of course.

**************

UD thanks Wendy.

“[Our] stadium has only seen a handful of wins and a handful of people since opening day… Like new condition.”

A wag puts the outrageously mismanaged University of Akron on Craigslist.

“I’m like a smart person. I went to the Wharton School of finance.”

Missed a chance to mention the most impressive thing of all: He founded a university.

How Philanthropy Happens.

One of the [restaurants] that will be purchasing [a new beer named, in honor of Donald Trump, “Chinga Tu Pelo” or, in English, “Fuck Your Hair”] is Gino’s East Pizza Joint, [which] will then donate all proceeds from the sale of the beer to the International Latino Cultural Center of Chicago.

“University.” “Fake.” “So-Called.” This has gotta hurt.

It was the university as cult of personality, the first American university where the founder’s face took up more room on its logo than the heraldic shield. It was the university Benito Mussolini would have founded if he’d been allowed to retire rather than been executed by firing squad and hung upside down in a public square. And now to be reduced to this… Its very identity as university poked at, questioned, ridiculed…

Trump Must Disclose Profits From His ‘University’ in RICO Lawsuit

DONALD TRUMP MUST DISCLOSE PROFITS HE MADE FROM FAKE UNIVERSITY, JUDGE RULES

Donald Trump must disclose how much money he made from his so-called Trump University …

*********************

Donald Trump must disclose how much money he made from Trump University, in the discovery phase of a RICO class action accusing him of defrauding students of millions of dollars, a federal judge ruled. U.S. District Judge Gonzalo Curiel [Uh-oh: Curiel’s a “longtime member of the National Hispanic Bar Association.“] on Tuesday ruled that Trump’s financial transactions involving Trump University are relevant to lead plaintiff Art Cohen’s claims.

UD’s Canadian Friend Jack Sends her News of the Death of…

… Arthur Porter, who died resisting extradition to Canada to stand trial for one of the biggest university-related thefts in history. As head of the McGill University Health Centre, he initiated construction of

a $1.4-billion mega-hospital.

Within a year, news broke that $22.5 million in kickbacks had been paid by the winning contractor, SNC-Lavalin.

Police have alleged that Porter received $11.25 million in secret commissions for rigging the hospital contract in SNC-Lavalin’s favour.

It’s a pity Porter’s trial will not happen. It would be good to know how far the culture of crime extended (extends?) at McGill.

Because that’s where the money is.

Ian Buruma:

Western businessmen, architects, artists, university presidents and museum directors – or anyone who needs large amounts of cash to fund their expensive projects – now have to deal with non-Western autocrats… [P]andering to authoritarian regimes and opaque business interests is not a wholesome enterprise. The contemporary alliance of Western interests – in the arts and higher education no less than in sports – with rich, undemocratic powers involves compromises that might easily damage established reputations.

One way to deflect the attention is to borrow the old anti-imperialist rhetoric of the left. Dealing with despots and shady tycoons is no longer venal, but noble. Selling the franchise of a university or a museum to a Gulf state, building yet another enormous stadium in China or making a fortune out of soccer favours to Russia or Qatar, is progressive, anti-racist and a triumph of global fraternity and universal values.

Yodelayheeracketeering

One Swiss lawmaker calling for [Swiss non-profit laws] reform has noted contemptuously that that a multibillion-dollar global organization like FIFA “still has the same status as a Swiss mountain village yodeling association.

Those who…

sell their universities to corporations run serious risks.

“These days … medical research is not just a scholarly affair. It is also a global, multibillion-dollar business enterprise, powered by the pharmaceutical and medical-device industries. The ethical problem today is not merely that these corporations have plenty of money to grease the wheels of university research. It’s also that researchers themselves are often given powerful financial incentives to do unethical things: pressure vulnerable subjects to enroll in studies, fudge diagnoses to recruit otherwise ineligible subjects and keep subjects in studies even when they are doing poorly.”

UD‘s pal Carl Elliott tells all in a New York Times opinion piece.

“Inviting armed rival gangs to a place where alcohol is served is not only unwise, it is reckless.”

Nah. Just the free market doing its thing.

Greed and Irritability Aren’t a Very Attractive Combination…

… and when they’re exhibited by the president of a university so icky it’s lately being called not the U of L (we’re talking about the University of Louisville), but the U of Smell, the effect is doubly unattractive. Sports- and felon-factory Louisville (put Louisville in my search engine) always makes sure its inept administrative staff is highly paid, and some of the trustees have asked for details about the sources of their salaries and perks – in particular, the board would like to know more about a campus foundation that seems to specialize in directing vast deferred compensations at the president and other execs.

The president’s response to this request is to “lash out,” publicly, at the trustees, and accuse them of not trusting him.

Which is weird, eh? The whole point is that the trustees don’t trust him; that’s why they want an audit of the foundation (which he also heads). UD doesn’t think the president’s best move, faced with trustees who don’t trust him, is to get all hurt and angry and accuse them of not trusting him. A better approach would be for the president to

1. grasp that the trustees don’t trust him, and

2. do something to gain their trust.

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