Teach naked, steal shit, and steal signs:
Why behavior so outside the lines?
Are you jumbled and jivey
‘Cause you teach at an Ivy?
Does the league make you out of your mind?


In the matter of Christine Lagarde
Take notice, heads up, et regarde:
The College of Smith
(To get right to the pith)
Has been hoist by its very petard.


At Stanford the nasty aroma
Wafting westward from Mathew Martoma
Has become so intense
That it seemed to make sense
To decide to revoke his diploma.

A Cautionary Tale.

A music professor named Sandy
Used a U-issued Mac to be randy.
He tried not to be caught
But he outright forgot
That they had his IP address handy.

“For Stanford, the bigger question today is whether it should revoke Martoma’s degree because he obviously lied his way into the school’s prestige MBA program.”

A cheater named Mathew Martoma
Lied his way to a Stanford diploma.
His scam MBA
Was so artful a play
It deserves to be hanging in MOMA.


For Moody’s it’s tricky to rate
The train wreck that’s Alabam State.
“It should be a D
But our lowest is C.
We’ll need to revise the whole slate.”


The Lions’ big center Raiola
Went off to collect his payola.
His manner was blunt
He called everyone cunt
And signed his own name with Crayola.


Brian Emanuel Schatz
Expresses himself via blats.
“I learned it from Rona.
We met at Pomona.
It dates to my time in the frats.”


It’s hard to take very much glee
In the matter of E. Gordon Gee
He’s merely symbolic
Of crap hyperbolic
At all of the sports factories.

“I would refer to his work as being, at the very least, interesting.”

A curious conference at Bard
Has left its professors quite scarred.
When asked about Summa
They say Man what a bumma.
Disregard! Disregard! Disregard!


UD thanks Josh.


From Harvard the gift of the Niall
Approaches with crocodile smile.
To contemplate him
Is to think of the hymn:
“And only the human is vile.”


Update: A British reader corrects my pronunciation of Niall (should sound like neel). All I can say in my own defense is that I had an Irish boyfriend once who pronounced it nile. (At least that’s how I recall it – it’s been a long time.) I’m also rebuked here:

Niall pronounce Nile is an Anglification of the name and it takes the heritage out of the name

Gevalt. Excuse me.

A limerick.

To play for Wisconsin’s Coach Wardle
Is to bear a Shakespearean fardel.
For his temper’s quite short
When he’s out on the court.
So be sure that you’re well-stocked with Nardil.

Kiss the Broyde

An orthodox rabbi named Broyde
Has created an internet droid.
The job of ‘Goldwasser’
Is to kiss Broyde’s asser
So that Broyde may most fully love Broyde.

He’s a professor at Emory law school.

Campus Life, Hampden-Sydney College and the University of Mississippi

The drunks at H-S and Ole Miss
Went out late to take a group piss.
“The libs and the fairies
Have all gone for Barry.
What the hell kind of country is this?”

Limerick, Buttchugging

A Tennessee boy with a butt
Has thus far refused to say what
Substance or dose
He somehow osmosed
Has so oddly distended his gut.


Update: Dave, a reader, writes a limerick in response to the student’s explanation that he can’t have buttchugged because God doesn’t want him to desecrate his body. That way. Putting enough alcohol in it to kill it – however it went up or down – is another matter.

God says you can’t drink with your butt
And it’s not ours to ask “why?” or “what?”
It’s like non-cloven hooves,
Or getting tattoos,
Or leaving your penis uncut.

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