À la recherche du jimbo perdu

Over the years, the Board of Trustees rejected multiple opportunities for the [University Alabama Birmingham] football program to become more competitive. In 2006, it rejected the hire of Jimbo Fisher for $600,000 a year because they said it was too much money, even though boosters would pay most of it. Now Fisher is coaching the undefeated FSU and is on a 26-game win streak.”

Jimbo! Jimbo, whose recruiting philosophy has made Florida State University the toast of the New York Times! The toast of the nation! Jimbo, Jimbo, Jimbo, we could’ve had you and because of our evil trustees you fell from our embrace!

There we stood with arms akimbo
Ready to embrace our Jimbo
Then the powers that be
Acted scandalously
And cast us inside Loser’s Limbo

The President of Florida State University Defends His Player Against the New York Times.

The perfectly named Mr Thrasher
Thrashed this way and that at a basher.
“Yes, P.J. hit and ran.
But when he left his van
He moved like a hundred-yard dasher!”

Limerick, University of North Carolina Chapel Hill

The next student athlete to speak
Is defensive lineman Tydreke:
“Coach told us ‘Test learning disabled.
All courses not AFAM are tabled.
And oh by the way you’re all freaks.'”

UD thanks Dave.


Lament on Chapel Hill

Time was when we couldn’t be prouder
Of Professor… er… Ms Deborah Crowder.
Her work with Nyang’oro
Was rapid and thorough
And no one was able to out her.

How Peter Steinmetz Got His Job as Director of Neuroengineering at the Barrow Neurological Institute.

A director of ours name of Peter
Likes to whip out and point his big heater.
Hip hip hip hooray
He so blows us away
We decided to make him our leader.

Of course now that we all know Barrow’s (named after Clyde, I presume) neuroengineering director likes to take semiautomatic rifles off his shoulder at the airport and point them at people, the place has had to drop him like a hot AR-15.

But where’s the NRA? They’ve got plenty of money to defend Second Amendment martyrs (“[H]e’s putting his life, his fortune and his sacred honor on the line for his beliefs…”). Why the silence?


Teach naked, steal shit, and steal signs:
Why behavior so outside the lines?
Are you jumbled and jivey
‘Cause you teach at an Ivy?
Does the league make you out of your mind?


In the matter of Christine Lagarde
Take notice, heads up, et regarde:
The College of Smith
(To get right to the pith)
Has been hoist by its very petard.


At Stanford the nasty aroma
Wafting westward from Mathew Martoma
Has become so intense
That it seemed to make sense
To decide to revoke his diploma.

A Cautionary Tale.

A music professor named Sandy
Used a U-issued Mac to be randy.
He tried not to be caught
But he outright forgot
That they had his IP address handy.

“For Stanford, the bigger question today is whether it should revoke Martoma’s degree because he obviously lied his way into the school’s prestige MBA program.”

A cheater named Mathew Martoma
Lied his way to a Stanford diploma.
His scam MBA
Was so artful a play
It deserves to be hanging in MOMA.


For Moody’s it’s tricky to rate
The train wreck that’s Alabam State.
“It should be a D
But our lowest is C.
We’ll need to revise the whole slate.”


The Lions’ big center Raiola
Went off to collect his payola.
His manner was blunt
He called everyone cunt
And signed his own name with Crayola.


Brian Emanuel Schatz
Expresses himself via blats.
“I learned it from Rona.
We met at Pomona.
It dates to my time in the frats.”


It’s hard to take very much glee
In the matter of E. Gordon Gee
He’s merely symbolic
Of crap hyperbolic
At all of the sports factories.

“I would refer to his work as being, at the very least, interesting.”

A curious conference at Bard
Has left its professors quite scarred.
When asked about Summa
They say Man what a bumma.
Disregard! Disregard! Disregard!


UD thanks Josh.

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