Each woman tried pleading her belly.
Each man said “No, no. Much too smelly.
There’s puke, crap, and fartin’
But nothin’s like Martin.
I can’t be a juror for Shkreli.”


These United States

Alabam’s our wild red yonder
Jeff Sessions makes its heart grow fonder
Inside its schools
The rightwing rules
In the person of Mr. Ponder

University of Colorado Defends its Football Team Against Scurrilous Allegations from Some Random Female.

Chick claimed that our blessed Joe Tumpkin
Was doing some violent humpkin.
This hysterical muff
Tried to mess up our Buffs!
We ignored the embarrassing lumpkin.


UD thanks Keith for the update on this story.


‘Tis curious how life instructs!
For instance, when it comes to ducts:
To get the test
That way seems best.
Yet when you get to it, it sucts.

FGM Limerick.

Egyptian Ilhami Agina
Wants ladies to have no vagina.
“And also no clit.
For it’s certain that it
Helps enormously with my stamína.”

Lower Orders Getting Restless

A lower caste being named Merkel
Dressed neither niqabal nor burqal.
Quick! Someone grab
At least a hijab!
The woman’s gone downright berserkal.


It’s gotten so nasty for Gorka
That he’s taken to wearing a borka.
Once a tough alpha male,
He now meekly sets sail
For a hideaway hole in Majorca.


At writing, Trump’s candidate, Gorsuch
Has certainly got quite a poor touch.
But to disqualify
I’m afraid this won’t fly.
There really has got to be more such.

Clownish, Impulse-Control-Challenged Hershel Schachter is Arguably the Most Venerated Intellectual…

… at Yeshiva University, where his hijinks have long since made him a folk hero. But he’s outdone himself with his latest comments about an invited campus speaker he didn’t like.

The Yeshiva Commentator newspaper asked Schachter why he and one of his fanboys tore down posters publicizing the event.

“I don’t have to be insulted in my own institution. I have rabbanim in New Jersey who are always attacking me, always attacking all the faculty here in the Yeshiva. So it’s bad enough that they attack us in New Jersey, in the newspapers, and so on. We have to invite them into the Yeshiva to be mevazeh all the rebbes? They give an opinion that none of us know anything, they know better than all of us – I think that’s a chutzpah. Congress wouldn’t invite a communist to speak in Congress to explain communism. We’re not interested in communism. [The speaker] represents a different shittah, a total insult to all the rebbes in Yeshiva.”

When pressed if he takes issue with a specific article or statement issued by [speaker] Rabbi Klapper, Rabbi Schachter responded to the author, “You were born yesterday. I’m a little older than you. We have known the man for many years. He doesn’t represent our hashkafah at all! I think there are more important things to write in The Commentator. I said a fantastic shiur [Talmudic study lesson] today and yesterday – why don’t they write that up? Why do they write stupid things? This is not newsworthy. The shiur that I said is newsworthy.”


Schachter also

object[s] to the study of the Christian Bible, … sees the work of Geoffrey Chaucer as expendable and [thinks] that 50 percent of an art history course is probably ‘avodah zara and gilui arayot’ (idolatry and licentiousness).

Schachter told a gathering of Orthodox leaders that

Jewish communities should set up their own review boards to evaluate any complaints of child sexual abuse and determine whether to bother with the police. This contradicts state laws on mandatory reporting for teachers, counselors, physicians and such.

Schachter further discouraged police involvement by warning that accused abusers could wind up “in a cell together with a shvartze, in a cell with a Muslim, a black Muslim who wants to kill all the Jews.” Shvartze is a harshly derogatory racial term.


To be read by only those with the very strongest stomachs.


The women all grab their phylacter
When they hear the approach of H. Schachter
He tells them they’re apes
He covers up rapes
He’s a one-person shonda enactor


Yeshiva University: A financial and moral ruin overseen by clowns.


Berkeley’s Center for Social Ontology
Specializes in Dad/Babe pornology
Its director John Searle
Is in search of a girl
To help him explore his pathology

Nevertheless, She Persisted.

On Sessions Elizabeth Warren
Steadfastly attempted to bore in.
But Senator Mitch
Quickly shut up the bitch:
“Who the hell let that talkative whore in?”


Another, from a UD reader:

When Senator Warren persisted
In giving a speech that consisted
Of talking about
Some Confederate lout
The GOP’s knickers got twisted.


And another.

Elizabeth Warren ballistic
Set off Mitch McConnell sadistic.
Jeff Sessions sat smirking,
With Senators working
To not seem to be chauvinistic.


Shakespearean Limerick About Monica Crowley

Now Harper and Collins, most growly,
Suspend their edition of Crowley.
“You blackguard! Whoreson!”
Crieth vilified Mon.
“Thou playest against me most foully.”

A message from John H. Hammergren, one of our trustees here at the Center for Strategic and International Studies.

Wyoming, McDowell, and Boone, and Mingo:
These four no-count hollers all add up to… BINGO!
Get set for a lesson
From Mr McKesson
America’s greediest chairman, by jingo.

Shipping oodles and oodles of Oxy
To the poor and defenseless takes moxie.
While they die addicted
From what I’ve inflicted
I’m hoarding my bucks from the proxies.

Let’s toast West Virgina, my friends!
Let’s toast my obscene dividends!
And thank-you to the villagers
From our “most rapacious pillager”
Your trustee, John H. Hammergren.


[UD thanks Dirk.]

Ain’t football a blessing.

When Baylor first hired Art Briles
The prez and trustees were all smiles.
But there’s just no escapin’
A teamful of rapin’–
Get ready, get set, for the trials.


And remember, kiddies: Baylor’s already paying Briles six million dollars or so a year to go away.

Truly, truly a blessing.


Baylor University: Toxic Christianity.

While a lawsuit was almost certainly expected, if Briles thinks people at Baylor conspiring against him is why he doesn’t have another job, he’s clinically insane. Anyone associated with Baylor, its athletic department and its football team is toxic right now. Briles wouldn’t be considered for any jobs at any level even if he was carry a sack full of recommendations from Baylor’s administration.

After Briles gave an incredibly weak apology for the out-of-control program he ran at Baylor, did anyone think he would be getting a job any time soon? The guy just doesn’t seem to understand the havoc players wreaked under his watch and just how awful the culture he promoted was.

If Briles was smart, he’d have laid low for a few years, then mounted a comeback with some very serious apologies. Instead he’s out there suing his former employer and acting like he did nothing wrong.

Chapel Hill’s Notoriously Clueless and Stonewalling Faculty/Athletics Person, Joy Renner…

… gets a university-wide prize for doing her part to maintain the illusion (is there anyone left who actually holds this illusion?) that disgraced jockshop University of North Carolina is a serious institution of higher education.

Chapel Hill’s new awardee (name: Joy)
Gets a prize for maintaining the ploy
That full-time sport jocks
Prioritize Locke
Over the next game against Illinois.

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