“I think he has an emptiness inside of him … that I’ve never seen in an adult,” Comey told Remnick at one point. “It’s all, ‘What will fill this hole?’ ”

Sing it.

He was prez but the world was bare
He didn’t feel love anywhere
He told himself he didn’t care
He pushed a window open wide
He felt an emptiness inside
To which he just could not relate
Brought on by a simple twist of fate

BARBARA BUSH — STORMY DANIELS SHOCKER!

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So.

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UD has long wondered whether she’s got what it takes to write for the tabloids. She was reminded of this when she saw the quick cheap way some woman who works at a university in Fresno just got herself MUCHO publicity by calling Barbara Bush a racist.

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Don DeLillo says

Everything we need that is not food or love is in the tabloid racks. The tales of the supernatural and the extra-terrestrial. The miracle vitamins, the cures for cancer, the remedies for obesity, the cults of the famous and the dead.

My Bush/Daniels shocker – whose fundamental idea derives from simply conjoining two big names in the news – goes in one of several directions.

1. Supernatural: Stormy Daniels is inhabited by the ghost of Barbara Bush; she now shamefully repudiates her adult industry past.

2. Religion: It can now be revealed that in her last days Barbara Bush reached out to Stormy Daniels and converted her to the true faith.

3. Illegitimate Child: Stormy Daniels is the wayward child Barbara and George Bush were never able to acknowledge: UNTIL NOW.

4. Lesbian Affair: George Bush the Elder privately resented the powerful and possibly consummated attraction between these two famous women.

5. Political Conspiracy: Barbara Bush was put to death by the same man who threatened Stormy Daniels because both represented forces threatening the political and financial empire of the Trump family.

“The headlines today in the New York Times…”

Mr UD muttered over this morning’s breakfast.

He began reading them to UD.

“TURTLE THAT USES GENITALS TO BREATHE IS THREATENED.

SPERM BANK SEEKS DONORS. MUST BE A COMMUNIST.”

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“Well, as to the second,” said UD, “Didn’t Mao say “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single drip?

Justice Stevens says Repeal …

… the Second Amendment.

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The opinion piece itself.

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This is a 97-year-old dude saying his final important stuff. Not “strategic,” everyone says. But they might be wrong. Roiling the waters is what this is called, and now that the rallies are over, we need to keep roiling them. This is today’s roil. Good.

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“[A] significant chunk of the Democratic electorate would be willing to support a much more restrictive gun-policy agenda than the party currently supports. The coming of age of the so-called ‘mass shooting generation’ may increase that divide.”

Headlines that Make UD Laugh.

Syphilis-ridden 18th Century Mummy Dug Up in
Swiss Church is Relative of Boris Johnson

“Competing explanations of the origins of the drama cited stray yard clippings, newly planted saplings and unraked leaves.”

If you can read this – real headline, Scenes from Postmodern America – without laughing, you have no soul.

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Professor Paul takes mid-semester sick leave.

Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul (R) will teach a course [titled “Dystopian Visions”] at the George Washington University during the fall 2017 semester, offering students a rare opportunity to engage with a sitting U.S. senator.

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His scholarly credentials are impeccable!

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By the beginning of the 1300s, wealthy people in Southampton, England, were playing lawn games on the manicured expanse of Old Bowling Green — which coincidentally is the name of the Kentucky town where Sen. Paul was beaten beside his lawn mower 700 years later.

Read the whole thing.

‘Oxford Professor Accused of Sexual Misconduct With Swiss Minors’

It’s not the sort of headline any university wants; but Oxford’s baffling refusal to do anything about — even, for a longish time, to say anything about — Professor Tariq Ramadan and his growing legal problems means that this theme, with variations, is playing in newspapers all over the world.

Director of the Middle East Centre Eugene Rogan repeatedly apologised to students for taking ten days to respond to the allegations [and only responding because of student inquiries and complaints], blaming the delay on the fact that the controversy was happening in another country with a different legal system.

Ah yes, another country. Another legal system. Wouldn’t want to weigh in on that. We’re here. They’re there.

Oxford has of course not suspended Ramadan while investigations proceed; that would mean talking about the situation. It’s just basically doing absolutely nothing.

If that seems odd to you, you can add your name to this petition.

“Texas Lawmaker Apologizes for Calling Black District Attorneys ‘F*cking N**gers’ out to get ‘Taco Eaters’”

Great headline.

Headline of the Day

COLLEGE FINDS COMPROMISE TO KEEP
RAPIST ON FOOTBALL TEAM

Headline of the Day.

Suburb Acting, Singing and Dancing Brings ‘Good News!’ to The Shedd

Boys, Baseball, Blasters:

It don’t get no more American than that.

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Rand Paul, who was on the field during what “would have been a massacre,” will be UD‘s colleague next semester; he will “teach DC college students about dystopias.”

First Lesson Plan: Imagine a place where you can’t go outside to play ball because nothing stops nuts from getting semi-automatic rifles.

Discuss.

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Hard to keep up.

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Australia banned semiautomatic weapons [in 1996], and required everyone to sell those they already owned to the government. There have been no mass shootings in the country since then.

Headline of the Day: From Deadspin.

‘CAL IS FUCKED BECAUSE OF ITS STUPID STADIUM DEAL’

The [University of California – Berkeley] stadium debt is so large that funding may have to come out of the school’s non-athletics budget soon. The school’s largest donors donate to both the school and the athletics programs, and any disruption of sports could decrease the overall amount of donations.

Your Morning Giggle

Great headline. The piece is pretty good too.

“College Student Repremanded…”

Headline of the day.

HUMMER STOLEN FROM BOISE DEALERSHIP FOUND IN BLISS

Longtime readers know that UD often wonders what it’s like for foreigners – even those who speak and read very good English – to come across certain obscure bits of our language. This headline, for instance…

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