Burnishing the Legacy at the University of Florida!

Students there know and respect athletic traditions. Even off-season, in the dead of summer, they gather to remind the world what has for so long made the school famous.

We can only wonder what they have in store for us once the season begins in late August. The excitement is building! Pity Aaron Hernandez can’t be there.

If you’re a Tennessee politician, you have to wait for the very end of your tenure…

… to tell us what you really think.

“I am a UT graduate, and my offices have helped many students, professors and even sports teams in many ways over the years,” [Rep. John J.] Duncan wrote in [his] newsletter. “I have nothing personally against any coach and hope the new UT coach does well. But I am disgusted by [its coach] buyouts. We just finished paying one former coach $100,000 a month, not to coach, and now we’ll be paying over $8 million to the latest ex-coach.”

So many themes converge in today’s big story about bribery at the University of Pennsylvania that one hardly knows where to start.

But let’s start with an April ceremony at another school: the University of Miami. There much fuss was made about the stellar, the great and the good Morris Esformes, who endowed a chair in medicine at UM.

At one point in the write-up, mention is made of another Morris Esformes chair in medicine, this one at the University of Chicago. But when Esformes’ son and nursing home business partner, Philip, was arrested for having run the largest health-related fraud in US history (he’s still in jail two years later, awaiting trial), the U of C seems to have decided it didn’t want a chair with the name Esformes on it anymore. Maybe the irony of sucking up all that money for medicine when said money came from generations of abused and neglected old people was a little too much for them.

The most recent holder of the University of Chicago medical school’s Esformes chair was suddenly and without comment renamed Louis Block.


Incidental among the many crimes sonny is alleged to have committed was the bribery of a high-profile basketball coach at the University of Pennsylvania. The bribery was on behalf of sonny’s own little whippersnapper, Morris the Second, who, according to a report, got into Penn on said coach’s recommendation – the kid was a great basketball player, see, and it had nothing to do with the $74,000 in payments Philip made to the coach on the kid’s behalf.

Did the kid ever play on Penn’s team? Nooooo you silly reader…..

Admissions fraud, Medicare fraud, Medicaid fraud, NCAA fraud… This one’s got it all.

Jim Jordan wrestles with…

left side high crotch.

UD just knew there’d be a detective named Killingsworth.

It’s too good a last name for a murder mystery writer to pass up, and one Kennedy Killingsworth stars in a series by Betsy Brannon Green.

Meanwhile UD‘s buddy Mark Killingsworth, an entirely actual econ professor at Rutgers, continues his real world, who-did-in-Rutgers-University, investigation in a series of opinion pieces in the NJ Star-Ledger.

Here, though, the mystery merely lies in the numbers — as in, how does Rutgers lie about the athletics deficits that are doing it in? — not in the reason the numbers have added up over the years to a current $47.4 million.

You can of course list particular things that have happened at the school. A commenter on Mark’s piece nicely describes one part of the deal in this way:

[It’s the old] wash/rinse/repeat cycle. Hire expensive coaches. Give them extensions which are not warranted. Coaches under perform, teams are terrible, fire/buy them out and then repeat.

Or, in Mark’s words:

[A]thletics deficit spending makes bigger deficits and lots of embarrassments, including personnel decisions that led to four athletics directors in nine years, three football coaches in seven years and over $9 million in severance pay.

But as to the larger mystery: No mystery at all. Put a bunch of unsupervised guys together, give them funny money, and WHEEEEEEE…

‘Strauss’ behavior in the men’s locker room was particularly unusual and disturbing, the athlete said. He said Strauss was known for walking around the room naked, and that he also would read the newspaper naked nearby the drinking fountain. He would “linger and stare at your crotch,” the athlete said.’

There’s no surreal like big-time athletics surreal, but Ohio State University moves well past surreal all the way to dada. Its posthumously famous team doctor, Richard Strauss, has displaced the composer of Salome on Google’s search page now that there’s a big class-action suit from OSU wrestlers and others against the school that employed him for twenty years.

Despite plenty of evidence, apparently, that their players’ private parts provoked Strauss’s Merry Pranks, coaches and administrators at OSU took no action to stop the music. And because one of the people the players claim did nothing is now a congressman, the story’s getting a lot of play.

A Reader Sends UD this Wonderful Quote from the Head of a New Faculty Union at Financially Troubled University of Washington.

Pointing to a recent decision by the UW to hire a new vice provost and a dozen new business analysts to find ways to reduce costs, she said: “We seem to have more and more administrators, who are highly paid, whose job is to administer scarcity.”

Of course when it comes to the almost five million dollars a year UW’s football coach makes, it’s strictly hands-off.

If you can read through this without laughing out loud…

… I mean… If you’re having trouble knowing where to laugh (there are many laugh-locations), UD will insert parenthetical LOLs to help you.



Oh right. I need to remind you that … well, let UD‘s pal Mark Killingsworth remind you. Read this.

Ok? Now are you ready? Here goes.


It’s been another difficult week being a Rutgers football fan. Keith Sargeant of NJ Advance Media reported on Wednesday that starting safety K.J. Gray and reserve linebacker Brendan DeVera had been dismissed from the program. On Thursday night, Sargeant reported as many as eight players were currently under investigation for credit card fraud [LOL] by the Rutgers police department. Sargeant’s colleague, James Kratch, also reported that Gray was recently charged for an incident in June that included driving with an open container and possession of marijuana. Training camp is less than three weeks away from beginning and the Rutgers football team already has their backs against the wall this season. For fans, this Friday the 13th certainly feels like another horror film sequel.

This new scandal will test the patience of even the most ardent Rutgers football supporters. It’s only been three years [LOL] since multiple arrests and embarrassments took place, resulting in the end of the Kyle Flood era. On the face of it, this situation appears different in the sense that during the Flood scandals, players were literally fighting people in the streets multiple times, robbing people’s homes and the head coach himself was pressuring a professor to change the grade of a player. [LOL] I’m not absolving current head coach Chris Ash of responsibility for this current mess, but the allegations appear to be one related situation, versus a pattern of misconduct. Ultimately, they are his players and while you could debate how realistic it is for the coaches to be aware of cyber crimes potentially committed by players, his culture [LOL] has been jeopardized if these allegations ring true.

… The old saying for Boston Red Sox fans before their success of the 2000’s was “they killed my grandfather, my father, and now they are coming for me.” Professional and college sports are different for many reasons, but that sentiment may ring a little too true for Rutgers fans after the past decade of repeated scandals, on top of a lot of losing on the field and court. [At least the program has an almost fifty million dollar deficit.]

… I want Rutgers to win more than anyone, but I want to be proud watching the players on the field, not feel dirty about rooting for criminals. [My, aren’t we dainty. Be a man and root for criminals like everyone else.]

… Big Ten fan bases will be foaming at the mouth to crucify the school that has forever stained their beloved, holier than holy conference. [LOL? Dunno. Just a very weird sentence.]

“[T]he wrestlers who have come forward have been maligned by Jordan and his colleagues as liars, paid operatives in a left-wing conspiracy, and now agents of the deep state. By next week they’ll be crisis actors.”

Shades of James Tracy, Mike Leach, and other campus conspiracists.

Rather than simply acknowledging the Sandusky/Nyang’oro Principle at our most sports-obsessed schools – university administrators can’t and won’t control anything having to do with big-ticket athletics – Jim Jordan and his fellow conspiracists deny the fucking obvious and the obvious fucking at one more degenerate American university sports program.

Called to account for what happened at Ohio State, they reach way, way outside the orbit of anyone’s moral responsibility.

Indeed the Deadspin writer I quote in my headline is right: Eventually Jordan and Louie Gohmert and company will determine that like the “dead” “kids” of Sandy Hook and Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, their accusers from the wrestling team are all crisis actors.

Bankrupting, Mentally Retarding, and WAY Kinky Big-Time University Sports…

… toddles along, universally lauded as financially and reputationally enriching, healthy for mind and body, and an epicenter of mainstream all-American manhood in a world gone mad. Massive incessant scandals involving psychotic team doctors, ancient horny ex-coaches in rut, and rampagingly rapist players discourages this nation’s enthusiasm for big-time college athletics not at all. Such things happen, to be sure; but they could happen anywhere – so why not at an institution of higher learning?

The current appearance on the scene of Jordan and Gordon – an ex-coach and an ex-jock school president (Gordon’s currently head of hopeless-drunk West Virginia University) – takes us yet again on a trip down memory lane as we revisit the notoriously sicko programs they oversaw.

Gordon Gee is of course famous for having said, when asked, as president of Ohio State, if he would fire the corrupt football coach: “I’m just hopeful the coach doesn’t dismiss me.” He remembers nothing of any sexual abuse scandal involving athletics when he led that school. Jim Jordan similarly remembers nothing of Ohio State’s psycho team doc when he coached there, even though eight players have come forward to say Jordan knew all about the sexual abuse of players, not just from their doctor, but from random members of the Ohio State community who’d jam into the team sauna to masturbate at the sight of the guys.

Yes, it’s a kinked-up world, and the kinkmeisters go on to other presidencies and other leadership positions and nothing happened and away we go.

Also Sprach Mark Coleman

Ohio State University (OSU) is currently investigating the actions of Dr. Richard Strauss over claims he sexually abused male athletes at the university while he was team doctor for the school’s wrestling program, and other athletic teams, between 1978 and 1998. Strauss [killed himself] in 2005.

OSU have stated that they have received allegations of sexual misconduct by Strauss from 14 sports teams and from patients of the school’s student health services unit …

Mark Coleman, the UFC’s first heavyweight champion, wrestled at Ohio State in the 1980s and 90s…

Coleman is one of [seven] former wrestlers who have come forward in recent days to not only claim Strauss molested them, but that U.S Representative Jim Jordan, a Republican who represents Ohio’s 4th congressional district, had knowledge of these types of accusations regarding Strauss.

If you’ve been yearning for the good old days of Jerry Sandusky…

… for long detailed descriptions in the nation’s press of old men showering with young college athletes, or hanging around saunas masturbating while watching the lads, this is your lucky day.

It’s not Penn State this time, but it’s another one of America’s most spirited and disgusting jockshops – Ohio State.

Ohio State! Type its name in my search engine for an entire afternoon of beyond-sick stories from the land of healthy mind/healthy body university sports.

[H]ead [wrestling] coach Russ Hellickson had to physically drag the voyeurs out of the building on multiple occasions, and reportedly begged the university to move the team to a private facility.

Feast your imagination on a vision of masturbators, their tongues still hanging out of their mouths and their dicks still hanging out of their pants, being dragged outside by the head coach on the campus of Ohio State University!

[Bob]: Hey Betty how bout that physics exam.

[Betty]: What was that? Did you see that?

[Coach Hellickson]: They don’t pay me enough to drag these jagoffs out of the building.

And yeah yeah that nice congressman who used to be a coach there knew nothing of any of this.

University basketball players get paid off! Shocker!! And double shocker that it happens here, at Mr UD’s institution…

… the University of Maryland.

Lawdy. Hand me my smelling salts.

Bits of comment thread to yet another article about dropping-like-a-stone college football game attendance.

The whims and vagaries of the TV people trump the attendees. The multitude of TV timeouts give the home viewer an opportunity to re-beer, recycle past beers, walk the dog, etc… while we in the stands are baked, rained and/or snowed upon while subjected to 120 decibel commercials or the always entertaining Guess What Our Starting Left Tackle’s Favorite Pizza Topping Is!

[W]e the ticket holders are asked to pay full price and get our lazy butts in our seats by kickoff to watch Our Guys pummel a Div II or III team 75 -3. My friends have dubbed these generic patsies the “Tennessee School for the Dead.”

I live in a state where the football program [is] getting out of hand and having several sexual assault claims has tanked enrollment. They rely on football to help get the school name out but that can go another way also.

Maybe the sight of men, who have never been in a college classroom, trying to give each other head injuries has simply become less entertaining.

… blaring music played on the sound system …

Clocked time of actual play in every NFL game over two seasons and found it averaged eleven minutes of action in a three-plus hour game. NCAA games are probably similar. Slow and boring, especially without the distractions a TV broadcast can offer. And that’s before you get into the issue of the apparent inevitability of brain trauma from playing gridiron football, which makes attending a game seem more and more like sitting in an ancient Roman arena watching gladiators kill and die for our amusement.

The majority of time spent in the stands is wasted listening to commercials, having music blasted at you during every stoppage in play, watching kiss cams, and being bored along with the players as they stand around waiting while referees review yet another play.

[Arizona State shows] people with milk mustaches sponsored by a local dairy, fans with weird hair styles sponsored by Sport Clips, muscle-flexing and air guitar contests sponsored by ??? All can be seen on the new 8 million dollar jumbotron.

A sport that almost guarantees that those who play it for any length of time are going to sustain cognitive damage cannot prosper for long.

[V]ery few football-playing rapists are ever held accountable.

Well…obviously the problem is all those outmoded stadiums! College presidents ought to vigorously campaign for new stadiums…you know, so they can attract the cream of the crop student candidates. And then they can hire coaches they can pay millions and millions of dollars. And then complain because the public isn’t supporting higher education.

And – check it out – almost no comments in defense of university football.

Comrades! Is announcing another glorious success in our latest five-year plan!

Da, is close to $85 million athletics debt at people’s university, but here is good news: Central Committee has just announced it is ‘implementing a budget management plan that will narrow annual deficits steadily until achieving slightly above break even in FY 2024′!

This is truly great news, and I cannot wait for totally deficits-free 2024!!

And remember, comrades – say it with me:

Success in athletics … is the biggest and best marketing tool a major university has at its disposal.

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