Alma Mater

High above Cayuga’s waters
With its waves of blue
Stands our schizoid Maximilien
Aiming right at you

Blast the shrapnel, speed it onwards
Loud explosions tell
Hail upon thee alma mater
Hail upon Cornell

High above the busy humming
Of the bustling town
Like his hero Stephen Paddock
Looks he proudly down

Lift the rifle, speed it onwards
All his classmates fell
Hail to thee our alma mater
Hail all hail Cornell

‘Law-abiding high school students age 18 years or older should be able to carry long guns inside public high schools, state Rep. Niraj Antani, R-Miamisburg, told the Dayton Daily News in an interview Thursday.’

Sing it.

Put down your books and pick up a gun,
We’re gonna have a whole lotta fun!

And it’s one, two, three,
What are we shooting for?
Don’t ask me – we’ve run out of time.
Next stop is Columbine.

And it’s five, six, seven,
Open up the pearly gates,
Well there ain’t no time to wonder why,
Whoopee! we’re all gonna die.

“I’ll leave my board position when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.”

Everyone’s all ooh wow ooh about St Thomas University’s CFO resigning her position at that way-Catholic school rather than leave the board of AR-15-mad Smith and Wesson. (She was given an ultimatum from the school.) Everyone’s like: Look! She chose assault weapons over a church school!

But read the fine print, kiddies. Smith and Wesson (they’ve given themselves some new all-natural name… who knows why? … it’s like… can’t remember but it’s like Gentle Valley Breezes…) pays people willing to be associated with it upwards of $100,000 a year — and you and I know what service on a corporate board entails: Two free trips to Hawaii to sit in a room for a half hour and get excited about how much shit (here, AR-15s) the corporation’s selling.

If you had to choose between actually working – as a chief financial officer – and sitting on your ass all year and still pulling in a hundred thou, what would you do? Plus you get all the free AR-15s you want.

Young and FABULOUS

Around 3 a.m., a [Stetson University] security guard noticed a car with a blown tire pull into a handicap parking spot in front of a dormitory. The guard approached the driver, and 20-year-old Preston Barrow told the man that he had just smoked marijuana and had a rifle in his car, according to police.

Police responded and found an unloaded rifle, scope and 27 rounds of ammunition scattered throughout the car.

He’s got the cutest little baby face!

“It’s not the role of the federal government to step in and dictate whether firearms in the classroom are the right choice for any one specific shooter.”

Sing it, sister!


You know what that sound is, right, kiddies? RUN FOR IT.

HAHA. Just kidding. It’s popcorn!

But if you want to make that other popping sound, c’mon over to RKGuns!


It’s all happening at Stephen Foster Elementary School.

Stephen Foster!

Sing it:

Beautiful semi-, come unto me,
All of my classmates are waiting for thee;
Sounds of the bump stock heard in the day,
Teachers and students have all pass’d away!

Beautiful semi-, queen of my song,
List while I woo thee with soft melody;
Gone are the cares of life’s busy throng,—
Beautiful semi-, awake unto me!
Beautiful semi-, awake unto me!

Oh What a Lovely War!

Tonight’s carnage: Three terrified women, health care workers, shot to pieces by a madman with a high-powered rifle.


But are we downhearted? Sing it!


Are we downhearted?

Then let your voices ring
And all together sing.

Are we downhearted?
Not while our country loves the NRA.

While we have guns upon the sea,
And guns upon the land, we need not fret.
It’s a long, long way to armageddon,
But we’re not downhearted yet!

“[E]very country contains mentally ill and potentially violent people. Only America arms them.”

Arms them? We do more than that, baby! We ARM them!!



An armed man wearing a bullet proof vest has reportedly taken three people hostage inside a veteran’s home in California after firing between 15 and 20 shots, law enforcement officials said…

Eyewitnesses say the man had an assault rifle and was wearing body armor.

18-month-old suing Dick’s Sporting Goods over …

gun policy. His one-month-old brother is also suing.

In the works: A class action lawsuit on behalf of amalgamated fetal tissue.

Some as old as six are also talking about suing.

And you’re never too old to defend your second amendment rights! Make enough outrageous seizures like this one, and citizens as old as ten will also be looking for lawyers.

‘[A] male student was “showing off” his gun when it discharged, striking the female student. He then accidentally shot himself as he was putting the gun away…’

Lesson: The lad needs access to more guns so that he can work on his handling skills.

Just type “student gun” in the Google News search engine…

… to keep up to date on the zillions of junior high and high schools in this country where the kids who bring loaded guns are suddenly, post-Parkland, attracting attention.

Think about it. These are only the pre-teen and teenage heat-packers people are bothering to rat on. The ones who let their secret slip.

Tip of the gunberg.


Oh, and a word to Mom and Dad: Do make sure your guns are secure.


All that’s left is for the university president to issue the Orwellian War is Peace statement:

We are a safe community, we are a safe campus.

But – On the Bright Side – We’re All Making a Killing.

At least those of us with pensions.

‘Guests may enjoy the spa and pool and the fine setting of Fresno’s bustling northeast University district.’

It’s a whole new definition of bustling across the street from Fresno State University!

A gang-related gun battle that broke out in northeast Fresno near Fresno State University was interrupted by a police officer who arrived and opened fire.

[The] gunfight resulted in one man being struck several times…

Forget bustle! Guests really had to hustle!

Randal Steinhauer, a guest at University Inn, was inside his room with his 14-month-old daughter when the gunshots rang out.

“I heard gunshots so I grabbed my daughter and went into the bathroom to protect her,” said Steinhauer, 36. “After a little while, like 10 or 15 minutes later, I looked outside and cops were already here.”

Steinhauer said he saw the victim lying between two cars as two officers checked on him. Another man was yelling at the officers, asking them to get an ambulance there, he said.

“It had really been calm here until last night,” Steinhauer said. “This is the first incident and I had been here a couple months now. I like it here, it’s quiet, but now it’s making me and my wife not feel safe here anymore.”

… Another guest of the inn, Debrah Holmes, 55, described the aftermath of the shooting as “chaotic and busy.” She said she and her husband stayed in their room, listening to the gunshots.

“We were upstairs and I heard gunshots,” Holmes said. “So I told my husband to keep your head down.”

The Women’s Room at the University of Texas; the Front Seat of a Student’s Car at Bethune-Cookman University…

I meanWHOOPSIES! Did I leave that loaded AR-15 in plain view in the front seat of my car, parked in front of my dorm?

A Bethune-Cookman campus security guard, Kimmarie Bouzianis, was patrolling and checking the school campus around 11:30 p.m. Sunday when she came upon [a student’s] Dodge Challenger not properly parked, investigators said.

While investigating the vehicle, Bouzianis saw a black AR-15 in plain view in the passenger’s front seat, a report states.

As the university’s security checked out the vehicle, [Ronald] Jacques walked out of one of the Lee Rhyant dorms and admitted to the security that the vehicle belonged to him and that he knew an AR-15 was in the front seat, police said.

The security guard then detained Jacques and called police. An officer found the rifle in the vehicle with a loaded magazine. One round was chambered, and the magazine had 17 .223-caliber rounds. A shell casing was found in Jacques’ pocket, police said. Jacques declined to talk to police, a report shows.


Sing it!

There’s a kind of gun
All over our land tonight
All over our land
You can see the sight
Of AR-15s
You know what I mean!
There’s a kind of gun…

And don’t forget – but of course you have, because they’re so common…

… that this month marks the fourth anniversary of the Florida State University shooting, where a madman entered the library and let fly. One student – paralyzed in the attack – is suing the school for failing to provide proper security, and the school’s fighting the suit.

But the student has a point. In order to study in an American university library without risking your life, you have a right to expect armed guards on every floor and snipers on the roof.

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