OSU can see the trend as well as anyone else. When you’ve given everything your university has to football, it’s pretty important that people go to the games.

But people aren’t going to the games.

Which makes you, a university, a school, really, rather than a playing field, look pretty fucking stupid.

What to do?

Current stop-gap measures are incentive-based (see post below): Give students who stay in the stands two thousand dollars. If students promise to stay at least until halftime give them free drinks, free burgers, a stuffed toy, Legos.

But people tend to resent, after awhile, being infantilized. They tend to catch on to what’s happening.

This is where the Ambush vehicle comes in. The moment students start pouring out of a stupid pointless game, just roll that baby to the middle of the field and slowly, slowly, ever so slowly, revolve her turret… Give fans a good view of the big guy (one of the players?) up there on her “roof-mounted shielded traversing gun turret able to fit a 7.62 mm medium or 12.7mm heavy class machine gun.” They’ll get the message without your having to fire one shot!

Wussy little Berkeley ain’t biting yet.

Last year, when University of California-Berkeley campus police tried to buy an 8-ton armored truck, university officials canceled the order, saying such a vehicle was “not the best choice for a university setting.”

But give it time. You know how guys are when it comes to having the best toys.

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2 Responses to ““I wonder why [Ohio State University] would need a .50-caliber machine-gun cupola mount.””

  1. Sunday Link Encyclopedia and Self-Promotion | Clarissa's Blog Says:

    […] Universities go out of their way to make students watch football games but fail every time. […]

  2. University Diaries » With the militarization of American universities proceeding apace… Says:

    […] (see background here), we are going to need armories and we are going to need shooting ranges, by way of preparing […]

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