They lionize him at Brown (well, they lionize always-in-trouble-with-the-law trustee Steven Cohen at Brown too) (and… well…); they made him captain of the football team. A golden boy, an Aryan from Darien, Christian Garnett’s just one more big ol’ adorable football playing SUV driving violent drunk… The sort rife at our universities, and what a blessing to these settings of meditation and reason.

Having finished with Brown, Christian now plies his trade among high school football players, modeling for them the whole big car/big man/big thirst/big swing thing. It’s unusual, however, for these guys to beat up female police officers. That’s Christian’s own variation on the theme.

It all started [with] him driving his Jeep down Connecticut Avenue in Norwalk … A police officer, Michelle McSally, noticed that he was driving at a high rate and it seemed as though one of his tires were missing. She then spotted the tire on the side of the road. As she went over to the car, she noticed he was trying to conceal something in the back. Turns out he was hiding his drug [paraphernalia]. At this point, you would think you would just give up and go with the flow. After all, you’re screwed. Not our boy Christian. He told the officer that he knew his tire was gone, he was going to get it filled with air at the nearby gas station- (How do you fill up a tire that’s not connected to your car?) His bloodshot eyes and slurred speech alerted the officer to call for back up. After he failed the first two field sobriety tests, he told the officers he couldn’t perform the third… standing on one leg.

… When [an] officer… tried to cuff him, he used his 6’2”, 240 pound frame to kick her and resist arrest. As he continued to swing his arms around like a lunatic, another officer gave him a nice, quick two blows to the face … [Unable to subdue Garnett, police Tasered him - they had to do it twice.] [He] was so unruly at the hospital that they had to handcuff him to the bed. He tried to kick a camera out of [the hand of an officer] … documenting the injuries. He slightly calmed down after a doctor threatened to give him sedatives to chill him out. It was at this point that he turned his anger to the nurses- The male nurses. Whenever one would walk by he would yell out “You must be a real Tommy tough nuts”.

Is there any moment at which the University of Nebraska takes its hagiography of Richie Incognito off the web? Might Brown replace the photo of Garnett that accompanies its awed online account of him with his more recent police issued one?

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4 Responses to “ME IVY LEAGUE. ME CAPTAIN BROWN UNIVERSITY FOOTBALL TEAM. ME BEAT UP WOMEN.”

  1. adam Says:

    Brown’s own football darling and braggart
    Was tasered and handcuffed – oh, shag it!
    When he butted the cop
    Then they gave him the chop
    And nurse Tommy tough nuts just swaggered!

  2. Margaret Soltan Says:

    adam: Nice. That tough nuts business was asking for a limerick.

  3. Derek Says:

    Christian Garnett he Captains Brown
    Drives after drinking too much Crown

    Comes across ol’ Tommy Tough Nuts
    Christian shows he has the real guts

    Know where he was quickly goin’?
    To invest cash with Stevie Cohen.

    The lesson of his wayward plan:
    At all costs avoid The Man.

    Or else you’ll be misunderstood
    (PS – Brown football, ’tis no good.)

    - Brunensis

  4. Margaret Soltan Says:

    Derek: “’tis no good” — excellent final touch.

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