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… the trinity of America’s Christian diploma mills, the three-point theology of our creedal unaccrediteds, the pivot-point ministry of our basketball brethrenUD loves to watch dribblers for the deity at work on her soul.

These college students “focus,” says one team’s coach, “on bringing glory to God in whatever we do,” and losing games by hundreds of points is what they do to bring undecideds like UD to the Lord.

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But the scoffers! O lord, the scoffers!

They are blocking UD’s prayer shot.

Want to make some money? Start a divinity school offering a Bachelor of Theology degree in Pastafarian Studies, and round up some buddies. Troll the coaching forums or hang out at the Final Four, tell coaches you’re the USM Noodly Appendages head coach, and you’ve got an open date on some Saturday in November. Book the game, show up, lose by 100, and cash your $50,000 check.

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To grapple with the theological implications of all this, go here.

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UD thanks Dave.

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Update on one of America’s universities:

- Their website doesn’t load and they don’t have a Wikipedia page

– They do have an regularly updated Twitter:

Are u interested in playing basketball or volleyball for the Champion Tigers? Call 501-623-2272 for more information on our sports programs!

– The person that Twitter says is the school’s president, Eric Capaci, is also listed as the school’s head basketball coach …

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Okay, try this.

Take this painting of Saint Sebastian …

St_Sebastian_3_Mantegna

… and imagine him pelted with basketballs rather than arrows. This puts Champion Baptist squarely in the martyrdom tradition.

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Wow. This here’s getting to be a big national story real quick. Google News is going razorback wild!

Now ol’ UD‘s gonna make a perdiction. You jest set there and listen.

Champion Baptist University is in Arkansas, and you don’t gotta read too much University Diaries (put the word ARKANSAS in my search engine) to know that pret’ near the whole state of Arkansas is one big fat insult to the word university. So this here latest thing don’t help.

Airgoe, UD makes the following perdiction. We’re gonna be hearing from Mike Huckabee any minute. Somebody’s gotta step up and defend the state, and that’s gonna be – gotta be – our next president. Y’all hold on and see if I’m not right.

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Attendance: Just a smidgeon over two hundred souls. ‘Course now it’s famous, everybody’s gonna claim they was at the game.

And I know you’ve heard this before on this blog, but I’ve just gotta say it one more time: The whole spectacle was paid for by you and me. Your education taxes at work.

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6 Responses to “Father, Son, and Holy Pay-out…”

  1. adam Says:

    Saint Sebastian was a nice touch but maybe a mix of sectarian metaphor… Baptists don’t recognize saints, no?

  2. Margaret Soltan Says:

    New Orleans Saints?

  3. adam Says:

    Those were Frenchies… LOL.

  4. JND Says:

    This is just so depressing. I’m a Baptist. This sort of thing makes us look like idiots, with good reason.

    I blame it on the Arkansas part. . . .

  5. MattF Says:

    Can’t… resist… posting…:

    http://www.customworks.co.uk/item/Brand_StSebastianPinCushion_417_0_2325_0.html

    Happy New Year!

  6. Margaret Soltan Says:

    MattF: Funny. Happy New Year.

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