… the University of Tennessee staggers piteously along like O in her tiny mules and painfully cinched waist, America’s campus epicenter of sadomasochism.
Paralyzed by debt and despair –
Tennessee’s situation makes frighteningly clear the high cost of bad coaching hires, as the athletic department owes $7 million to recently fired coach Derek Dooley and his staff on top of $11.4 million paid out in buyouts to other football, baseball and basketball coaches. Declining attendance has also taken a toll on Tennessee’s financial situation as it has proven difficult for the school to fill the stadium when losses outnumber wins. Ironically, improvements to the stadium that sits partly empty helped drive the expansion of the debt.
– UT lashes out at others and itself in a perennial bacchanalia of desperate perversion. [Trigger warning goes here.] Its students inject themselves anally with alcohol. They lie still while fellow students pour hot sauce over their penises. They’re asking for it! If you won’t pour the Tabasco on the front, they’ll inject the Zinfandel in the back. One way or another, the University of Tennessee is going to punish itself for…
For what? O’s motives are notoriously obscure… Imagine trying to understand a drunk and masochistic institution that’s fucked itself over financially forever.
Maybe one good way to think about Tennessee’s current life of the mind is to recall another literary work – Nevil Shute’s On the Beach. Imagine that, instead of the reckless racing of cars, the Australians, as they await apocalypse, decide to fuck and suck themselves to oblivion.
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A reader sends in a limerick:
Does my penis go well with Tabasco?
Does this Zinfandel into my ass go?
Front porch or back door,
What college is for
Is much more than you learn in a class, bro.
May 23rd, 2014 at 7:49AM
It’s been a while since I’ve been moved to limerick, but genital hot sauce has invoked the muse.
Does my penis go well with Tabasco?
Does this zinfandel into my ass go?
Front porch or back door,
What college is for
Is much more than you learn in a class, bro.
May 23rd, 2014 at 8:01AM
Knowing some Australians, I’d say the revised version is if anything more plausible.
May 23rd, 2014 at 8:05AM
Dave: Hope it’s okay with you if I feature this in the post as an addendum. Great work. UD
May 23rd, 2014 at 8:07AM
Mr Punch: LOL.