If this horrible man gets his way and makes fraternities illegal throughout the state of Tennessee, say goodbye to butt chugging. You won’t have anal enemaists to kick around any more.

Yes, say goodbye to lengthy press conferences like this one, offering precise details about what it’s like when fraternities full of drunk teenagers “introduc[e] alcohol into the rectum and colon via the anus.”

Farewell, golden college days…

No, that’s the wrong color. That’s the color when they make pledges lie down and then they piss all over them, and then they make them sit up and drink piss.

Farewell, russet college days.

A Tennessee boy with a butt
Has thus far refused to say what
Substance or dose
He somehow osmosed
Has so oddly distended his gut.

**********************

Update: Dave, a reader, writes a limerick in response to the student’s explanation that he can’t have buttchugged because God doesn’t want him to desecrate his body. That way. Putting enough alcohol in it to kill it – however it went up or down – is another matter.

God says you can’t drink with your butt
And it’s not ours to ask “why?” or “what?”
It’s like non-cloven hooves,
Or getting tattoos,
Or leaving your penis uncut.

Despite Alexander Broughton’s ongoing legal effort to clear his fraternity’s name (see the famous video of Broughton and his attorney at the link), the University of Tennessee has shut down Pi Kappa Alpha — a significant setback for wine enemaists at UT. (Scroll down for background.)

Broader reforms have come to all UT frats in the wake of the butt-chugging incident, including mandated live-in house directors. “With friends like these,” said Marilee Studevort, vice-president of student life, “you don’t need enemas.”

Okay, I made up that last thing.

[T]here are people who actually dislike football and openly criticize many of its institutions.

A columnist in the University of Tennessee newspaper (Tennessee! Athletics! A blog like this one couldn’t survive without UT athletics!) shares some of his shock and awe at the presence of football haters (He doesn’t really mean football haters. He means people who don’t like or who don’t care about the football program at UT.) on his campus.

People who mainline booze up their ass and then hold surrealistic press conferences about it – now that’s nothing to write home about at UT; but people who fail to come out for the games… Are you fucking kidding me? Actually??

Tennessee’s athletic department, along with most other large football schools in America, is historically very profitable. [Yes, the lad believes most large football schools are profitable. I mean, look no further than the king of large football schools, the University of Texas.]

… the University of Tennessee staggers piteously along like O in her tiny mules and painfully cinched waist, America’s campus epicenter of sadomasochism.

Paralyzed by debt and despair –

Tennessee’s situation makes frighteningly clear the high cost of bad coaching hires, as the athletic department owes $7 million to recently fired coach Derek Dooley and his staff on top of $11.4 million paid out in buyouts to other football, baseball and basketball coaches. Declining attendance has also taken a toll on Tennessee’s financial situation as it has proven difficult for the school to fill the stadium when losses outnumber wins. Ironically, improvements to the stadium that sits partly empty helped drive the expansion of the debt.

– UT lashes out at others and itself in a perennial bacchanalia of desperate perversion. [Trigger warning goes here.] Its students inject themselves anally with alcohol. They lie still while fellow students pour hot sauce over their penises. They’re asking for it! If you won’t pour the Tabasco on the front, they’ll inject the Zinfandel in the back. One way or another, the University of Tennessee is going to punish itself for…

For what? O’s motives are notoriously obscure… Imagine trying to understand a drunk and masochistic institution that’s fucked itself over financially forever.

Maybe one good way to think about Tennessee’s current life of the mind is to recall another literary work – Nevil Shute’s On the Beach. Imagine that, instead of the reckless racing of cars, the Australians, as they await apocalypse, decide to fuck and suck themselves to oblivion.

***********************

A reader sends in a limerick:

Does my penis go well with Tabasco?
Does this Zinfandel into my ass go?
Front porch or back door,
What college is for
Is much more than you learn in a class, bro.

Now that the University of Tennessee done chugged Coach Dooley’s butt clear out of the football program, consider the words in my post’s title. They were written not long ago by a Tennessee person who, given Dooley’s string of losses and that big ol’ empty expensive football stadium he and the guys were playing in, was anticipating his firing and reviewing UT’s situation.

It is not a good situation. It’s possible that even the constantly shifting gaggles of good old boys running UT are capable of grasping this.

The university’s athletic department posted a $3.98 million budget deficit for the 2011-12 fiscal year in part because of buyouts it was paying to [Phil] Fulmer, former athletic director Mike Hamilton, former men’s basketball coach Bruce Pearl and former baseball coach Todd Raleigh.

The football program is on probation until August 2015. The NCAA handed Tennessee a two-year extension of its probation Friday after ruling former assistant Willie Mack Garza provided impermissible travel and lodging for an unofficial visit by former prospect Lache Seastrunk…

Dooley’s buyout will cost UT an additional five million dollars. Other millionaires on his staff will almost certainly also be fired, and they too will get million-dollar buyouts.

One of their hotly recruited players has been named as a suspect in the theft of objects from campus. Dooley knew he was a thief when he recruited him; he had a record.

The eyes of the world have been riveted to UT’s Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity and its wine-enema-loving brothers.

I’m sure I’ve forgotten some things. Blog posts are supposed to be relatively short, and I haven’t yet gotten to why Knoxville is an attractive tourist destination.

So let’s take up the statement in this post’s headline. Although UT has a long history of filthy coaches and a filthy program; although its football program is on probation; although it has impoverished whatever academic value it had by continuing to give money to its filthy sports programs; although its sports programs recruit criminals; although the frat system that comprises the core of its football fans is currently a national laughingstock; although it will have to take millions and millions more from the school’s academic mission to hire a big-time coach (if it doesn’t, not only all of its investments in sports facilities — like its “eye-popping new athletic facility, a virtual Taj Mahal with cascading waterfalls, state-of-the-art technology, and workout areas that rival the U.S. Olympic training facility in Colorado Springs” — implode, but UT students almost certainly stage riots) — despite all of this, the culture of UT sports is a real fine drawing card for Knoxville. People want to be part of this picture.

And talk about generation of revenue! Football season lasts “up to eight weekends” a year!

Yes! For the sake of those few precious autumn days, a public university in the United States of America has turned itself into a tattered stinking whore.

Once they find the veteran cheater-coach they think will save their lives, the stench from UT will rise even higher.

UD will be there to sniff it — every aroma of the way.

———————

UD thanks Mike.

… university athletics program in the United States, does it again. Scan some of these posts to remind yourself — no, to convince yourself, because it’s actually unbelievable — that the citizens of an American state have for decades allowed their money to subsidize criminal players; overpaid, rule-breaking coaches whose immense buyouts go on forever; endlessly litigious athletics staff employees; and an athletics department currently running – amid declining ticket sales – a four million dollar deficit. Wouldn’t you expect, at this point, at least a modest grassroots protest somewhere? We’d like to be paying for a real university that doesn’t embarrass us kind of thing? I mean… butt-chugging, anyone?

But with every new squalid story — this one about the recruitment of a thief (other schools didn’t want him; Tennessee was thrilled to take him) who has now apparently begun stealing on campus — the people of Tennessee sit there, as if they think the reason they pay tens of millions to university coaches is so that these people can make brilliant decisions like these…

Don’t Tennesseans ever wonder whether the University of Tennessee has a president? Don’t they ever wonder why this person never appears, never makes statements?

Or how ’bout those trustees?

Four score and seven years ago, I joined my beloved PIKE fraternity…

If you don’t find this oratory profoundly bowel-moving, you are no lover of freedom.

************

UD thanks Ani for the link to the video. (Watch the second video on the page for the full monty.)

************

Update: Reviews are beginning to chug in. This one notices something UD hadn’t picked up: “At one point, [the lawyer] says that the inaccurate story has spread across the entire ‘United Nations.'”

************

Gawker‘s review here.

************

UD has noted that the president of the University of Tennessee has held his tongue about this so far. But when the whole world is laughing at your university because it has devolved into very low farce, I think you have to come out and say something.