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Tuesday, February 24, 2004
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PROF MADE HER PUKE! Women's Libber details super-shocking grope, booze, and barf incident at hyper-prestigious Yale The oh-so-proper ivy walls of Yale University in Connecticut were blushing brick-red today as revelations of sexual hijinks among the haughty hit the media all over the world. Super-eminent professor Harold Bloom is said to have grabbed the thigh of one of that august institution's sexy egghead coeds. How the mighty are fallen! Bloom has been riding high for years as the nation's numero uno Heavy Thinker, and now he's a guy with a defamation lawyer. "You bet we're suing," said Harold Wolf (no relation to either party), Bloom's super-high-powered attorney. Wolf, who graduated from Central Hartford State University School of Law, is notorious for his mad-dog defense of personal injury clients. "Professor Bloom did absolutely nothing wrong," he said. "And as to the lady's claim of injury because she vomited afterwards, we are prepared to show that all Yale undergraduates vomit after sex." To support his claim, Wolf plans to review all of the accounts of sexual misconduct at Yale that have poured in since the Bloom bombshell. A preliminary review, he says, indicates that every woman claiming a Yale professor sexually abused her also claims to have thrown up immediately after the alleged event. Thereby Hangs a Tail Bloom's curvaceous accuser has told a shocking tale of trust betrayed and innocence slaughtered. Her esteemed Herr Professor, her role model and much-admired mentor, transmogrified one nightmare evening into a digit-dipping dipsomaniac! This professor-student drama has all the elements of great literature: the stuffy highbrow done in by tragic flaws (lust, liquor), the sensitive student treated like a piece of meat by a man supposedly devoted to higher things. And what a beauty and the beast plot! Where else but on a university campus could a man with Bloom's looks get anywhere near the gorgeous girls he has reportedly seduced? Reign of Terror In the wake of the Yale revelations, which suggest a decades-long reign of sexual terror against undergraduate women at the topflight institution, psychologists have been speculating as to the link between educational excellence and reckless humping. "It's just a total hothouse atmosphere," remarked Dr. Jerome Gropeman, a noted therapist. "You've got bright ambitious young women with their budding sexuality. You've got restless older men lecturing those girls on physical and metaphysical longing in the great poets. It'd be surprising if they weren't lighting each others' fires - to quote The Doors, who by the way got their name from a proverb by William Blake." Dr. Laura Schlesinger, who did not attend Yale but sometimes claims she did, agreed. "Oh yes, their little hearts are just going thumpety-thump, aren't they?" she said of the Yale undergraduate women. "They think they're so smart and then they get all googly because some guy can explain iambic pentameter to them. Is that smart? I don't care how rich your parents are or how high your SATs are, a jerk's a jerk." A "Take Back the Thigh" rally is planned for this weekend on the Yale campus. |
