Links
Archives
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
|
BASEBALL THREAT LEVEL RAISED
The warning that the Montreal Expos may be coming to Washington DC has been raised to a watch. INTERNATIONAL PLAGIARISM AMNESTY DAY In response to burgeoning reports across the globe of plagiarism in all fields (journalism, history, law, fiction, drama, etc.), Livia Uffdasdottir, a mathematics professor in Odd Grenland, Norway, conceived the idea, two years ago, of an International Plagiarism Amnesty Day. “The choice of September 30 was pretty arbitrary,” she explained from her office in the small rainy university town. “We just felt that something had to be done about the problem, and a group of us from around the world decided to model a holiday on Gun Amnesty Day in the United States, where you can turn in any weapon, legal or illegal, no questions asked, to your local police department.” Tomorrow, at Kinko’s Copies stores everywhere, people can toss books, research papers, poems, whatever they’ve stolen from someone else in whole or in part and then put their name on, into the Borrowed Without Attribution bin to the left of the checkout counter. These materials will be shipped to Odd Grenland, where Professor Uffdasdottir and other members of the I-PAD Executive Committee will check through them. Later that day, as has been the custom for the last two years, Uffdasdottir will issue a worldwide Plagiarism Absolution announcement for all of those who participated in the holiday. “No one is more staggered by the success of I-PAD then I,” commented Uffdasdottir, allowing a smile to appear on her normally stern face. “But many people carry a burden of guilt, even decades later, about this.” Uffdasdottir continued: “What’s been particularly moving to the committee is that relatives of long-dead plagiarists, family members who have uncovered proof of plagiarism by their fathers, mothers, uncles, and aunts, have also deposited relevant materials into the bins.” Some of the historical examples of plagiarism discovered in this way have been both shocking and puzzling. “Helen Keller?” asked Uffdasdottir, shaking her head in amazement. “Why? How?” The I-PAD committee is bracing for an unprecedented outpouring of chastened plagiarist materials this year. “The numbers just from year one to two went up astoundingly. And this year, with all the high-profile cases like Laurence Tribe, Bryony Lavery, and The DaVinci Code, we’re expecting a tidal wave.” Asked which of the plagiarisms the committee has reviewed surprised her the most, Uffdasdottir paused. “Like a lot of people in this part of the world," she said, "I was raised in the socialist tradition, and one of our bibles has always been George Orwell’s Road to Wigan Pier. Let’s just say it was not my happiest day when a letter from the great-granddaughter of a miner appeared in the committee’s mail. Mrs. Jane Edwards attached to the letter the now-authenticated transcription of an interview Orwell conducted with her great-grandfather which, when ‘translated’ out of her great-grandfather’s local patois, is pretty much Orwell’s essay.” Uffdasdottir provided this example from the very opening of Orwell‘s essay: Passage One [Clive Edwards] : I don’t give a fuck what Chesterton says, civilization is all about coal when you think about it. Every fuckin thing that moves, like, needs coal. I mean, alright, maybe the farmer’s a bit more important, but nothing goes in one hole and out the other without coal, man. Your miner’s kind of like one of those Greek girl statues that hold up buildings - only he’s a lot dirtier! What I mean to say is, we’re the guys who get filthy underground keeping what’s above us clean, see? That’s why I think it’s worth it, if you’ve got the time and’ll take the trouble, to see how we actually do it. Passage Two [George Orwell]: Civilization, pace Chesterton, is founded on coal, more completely than one realizes until one stops to think about it. The machines that keep us alive, and the machines that make the machines, are all directly or indirectly dependent upon coal. In the metabolism of the Western world the coal miner is second in importance to the man who ploughs the soil. He is a sort of grimy caryatid upon whose shoulders nearly everything that is not grimy is supported. For this reason the actual process by which coal is extracted is well worth watching, if you get the chance and are willing to take the trouble. “The essay goes on like that forever,” said Professor Uffdasdottir sadly. “From the simple, coarse diction of Edwards to the elegant translation of Orwell. Clive Edwards even appends a note to the effect that Orwell never even went down the mine. Apparently he stuck his head in for a moment, said ‘Nothing doing,’ and went home to his typewriter.” On behalf of the committee, Uffdasdottir urged everyone to stop by their local Kinko’s tomorrow on International Plagiarism Amnesty Day and drop off anything they’ve been meaning to get off their chest. |