Links
Archives
Friday, January 07, 2005
|
PULSE Program
Given the tendency toward the mainstreaming of chiropractic [see UD, 12/31/04], spa-therapy [UD, 5/18/04], and astrological schools in American universities, and given the belief of a majority of Americans in things like psychic healing and ESP, UD sees a way to help the NCAA out of one of its many problems: “The NCAA has given itself lots of pats on the back since Division I passed a system for measuring classroom performance of teams and penalizing poor performers,” writes the Indianapolis Star. “Until now, though, no one has had to decide the sensitive issue of how tough to make the standards. At stake are scholarship losses starting with recruiting during the 2005-06 academic year. Complicating the task of establishing a standard is the differing types of schools in Division I. For months, a committee has been grappling with questions on issues such as holding an urban commuter school to the same standard as Duke.” To address this problem, UD proposes a new, nationwide university degree program called PULSE --- Psychic Unity of Lymphatic Sensate Energies --- in which students would be graded and would graduate based upon their degree of intellectual, spiritual, physical, metaphysical, ethical, lymphatic, and holistic vitalism. The program would be open to all students, but would be particularly attractive to athletes, who tend to be markedly vitalistic in orientation, mentation, and activity-directed behaviors. How would PULSE students be measured in terms of progress, commitment, and excellence? At the commencement of their studies, their pulse would be taken. At the conclusion, their pulse would be taken again. The differential in pulse rates would then be measured by wellness experts, and terminal degrees (cum laude, magna, summa) granted on the amount of difference over four years or fewer (if the student is leaving for the pros). Nor is this all. In order to earn their degree, students would need to pass an oral examination in which they would be grilled by their coach on how they think they have increased not only their vitality, but their ability to work collectively toward a goal. |