Valley So Low
Dissent: The Blog, which chronicles the bizarre, parochial ways of a couple of colleges in California, is one of a growing number of such websites, in which named or unnamed faculty and staff describe -- in attitudes ranging from laughter to outrage -- the inner workings of some of America's worst places to get an education.
All unhappy colleges tend to look alike, as this morning's Chronicle of Higher Education confirms when it features the latest breakout blog, this one about fourth-tier Missouri Valley College:
A Web site that sharply criticizes the administration of Missouri Valley College has students and professors on the Marshall, Mo., campus buzzing. "What allows a 117-year-old college to complacently remain fourth tier?" the site asks, alluding to the institution's mediocre standing in the annual U.S. News & World Report college rankings.
... The site's author ...lambastes the college's president and trustees, accusing them of corruption, lack of vision, and an unhealthy obsession with the institution's athletic program.
The site raises some serious concerns about the future of Missouri Valley, a private, Presbyterian-affiliated college with 1,425 students. ...[A]thletic scholarships dwarf academic ones... [and] courses end at 3 p.m. to make time for sports practices.
Here, taken from the site itself, are all of the stigmata of the shitty American college:
'Coaches do all freshman recruiting for the college.
The person in charge of Valley's Admissions Office is Valley's Athletic Director. Most of the Admissions Office staff, counselors, etc., are married to coaches or are coaches. Valley's Assistant Director of Campus Life is an Outside Linebackers Coach.
There are no academic classes after 3:00 p.m. due to sports practice.
There is always "sports creep" when the Athletic Department makes its continuing foray into the 2:00 p.m. academic time zone.
Students are annually pulled out of class to attend a 3-4 day fund-raising event at a NASCAR race in Kansas City for the Athletic Department.
Athletic scholarships amount to over $4,000,000.
Academic scholarships amount to over $300,000.
The college is referred to locally as Missouri Valley High School due to the number of retirees hired from the real local high school.
The Administration and Board of Trustees plan to convert Valley into a University instead of a third tier college.
Past Valley Presidents are always shown having doctorate degrees. In truth, none have these advanced degrees. Worse still, these advanced degrees "held" by past Valley Presidents were (a) granted by the Valley Board of Trustees and (b) are only Honorary Doctorates. The Trustees even grant themselves Honorary Doctorate degrees.... Several faculty members have bogus degrees from non-accredited institutions and/or have received degrees based on "life experience."
Life, on America's many sequestered bad colleges, is but a dream. Pretend classes, pretend degrees, jobs abounding for friends and family, fun and games for all ... Everyone's nudged awake a little bit when accreditors rap on the door, but accreditors don't care about any of this, actually, so ... yawn... nothing to worry about... sleep baby sleep...
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