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UD is...
"Salty." (Scott McLemee)
"Unvarnished." (Phi Beta Cons)
"Splendidly splenetic." (Culture Industry)
"Except for University Diaries, most academic blogs are tedious."
(Rate Your Students)
"I think of Soltan as the Maureen Dowd of the blogosphere,
except that Maureen Dowd is kind of a wrecking ball of a writer,
and Soltan isn't. For the life of me, I can't figure out her
politics, but she's pretty fabulous, so who gives a damn?"
(Tenured Radical)

Saturday, July 14, 2007

This Guy Is SO Much Better At This Than I Am

'The University of Oklahoma was punished this week following revelations that a car dealership paid players for work they never did. C'mon, Boomer Sooners. Your standards are dropping. You can do better than that.

You once ran one of the grimiest, dirtiest, gun-toting, bootlegging, hooligan coddling, cash-under-the-table programs in the history of college football. Barry Switzer was your coach ("And We're Gonna' Do it Ba-By!"). That's about all you have to say.

You are among the standard bearers for lack of institutional control with your sexy five probations. You are improper benefits. You are improper recruiting. You are failure to monitor, improper inducements, improper entertaining, unethical conduct, improper lodging and any other improper you can think of. You are stop your grinnin' and drop your linen.

You are ... gats and strippers.

Now, you have been reduced to the pedantic by partnering with car dealers. Imagine that. A car dealer involved with wrongdoing.

You used to be automatic weapons, now you're time cards on a car lot. Shame on you, Oklahoma. You're cliché now.

(Although Car-Gate does explain why Bob Stoops was recently asking recruits if, instead of a scholarship, they would like an extended warranty.)

But here is the good news, Oklahoma. In the pantheon of great rules-bending, NCAA-infuriating, college football programs, you are not No. 1.

Imagine that, Oklahoma. There are bigger NCAA violators than you.

The following are the top rules-breaking college football programs of all time. While squeezing in just 10 is like fitting Barry Bonds' head into a key hole, I tried my best.

10. Colorado. Two names: Slick Rick Neuheisel and Gary "Who Me?" Barnett. Five major institutional NCAA infractions at Colorado, including two this decade, according to the NCAA. Numerous rape accusations against recruits and players. Very solid work, fellas, very solid work.

9. Florida State. Pains me to put them here because I think Bobby Bowden is one of the best human beings on the planet, but I can't skip over Free Shoes University.

8. Texas A&M. The state of Texas, football and rules violations go together like ham, egg and cheese. Might deserve a higher slot, but the Aggies' cheat-to-win ratio is low. In other words, it hasn't been money well spent.

7. Washington. There's that Neuheisel name again.

6. Miami (Fla.). This is an interesting one. In terms of total school major infractions (all sports), the mighty Hurricanes are tied at five with universities like Baylor, Mississippi State and the University of Texas-Pan American, and behind the University of Memphis and the Minnesota Golden Gophers (such a cute mascot for such blatant rules violators). Thus Miami loses some street cred. You cannot be but so much a bad ass when Texas-Pan American nearly out-cheats you.

But ah, the Hurricanes. They are like the Smokey Robinson of rules breakers. They might not be the all-time best but they make the most out of their opportunities.

5. SMU. An old-school classic. Received the death penalty. Harkens back to a time when the NCAA had testicles and did not pucker up to the derrières of fat-cat college presidents. Those were the days, when men were men and cheaters took great pride in their work. Cash payments distributed in a timely fashion, luxury cars handed out like heads of lettuce, players bought and paid for. Made you proud to be an American.

4. Arizona State. Never has so much rules breaking gotten a school so little. But they are creative out there in desert. One NCAA investigation found that a compliance officer allowed a football player to utilize her personal credit account for buying $900 worth of car equipment. She also opened a utility account for the player. I don't understand. Can't a brother get his electric bill paid?

3. Oklahoma. Boy, was that Barry Switzer fun.

2. Auburn. The SEC is to cheating what Superman is to comic book heroes. The best. Just about every school in the conference has a major infraction. The SEC boosters are so wealthy that spending $20,000 on a recruit is the equivalent of a martini lunch. Auburn earns a solid silver in the cheating Olympics.

1. Alabama. This is all you need to know about the skill and greatness of Alabama. An NCAA committee found that booster forked over $150,000 to a high school coach as a guarantee that a defensive lineman would attend Alabama. Yes -- $150,000. Now that is how you break the rules, people.

(So what does a great running back go for in the SEC? A small diamond mine?)

No payment of water bills. Just lots of cold, hard cash. Even an Auburn booster says: "You guys are my heroes, Alabama."

"Not bad," says Switzer.'

Mike Freeman, CBS, UD wants to be your girl.