Big-time Republican donors are beginning to write to Donald Trump demanding their money back.

UD wishes them luck. I mean, get in line behind the IRS…

But meanwhile SOS (UD‘s evil grammarian twin) looks at two such letters and makes some suggestions.

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“… I am mortified to hear the latest issues with Donald Trump. [The latest issues is vague: Be precise: I was mortified to read that Donald Trump grabs pussy.] How am I suppose [Should be supposed.] to respect and support Mr Trump with his attitude toward women? It isn’t just one woman either. [Logic? You’ve already used the plural. And would it be better if he’s faithful to just one grabbed pussy?] I can not [Cannot.] support a sexist man. I have three young children and will not support a crude sexist man. [Ineffective repetition. Find another phrase for sexist man.] I expect a refund of my donation. [Watch your tone.] Please process immediately and I thank you for your help. [Tone is all over the place: anger, indignation, and now prissy bureaucratic cliche. Drop this last sentence.]

***************

Here’s another one, and it’s much better. But there’s always room for improvement.

***************

“I cannot express my disappointment enough regarding the recent events surrounding Mr. Trump. [Has the same vagueness problem: the latest issues; the recent events. Just spit it out: regarding Mr. Trump’s recorded comment about ‘grabbing pussy.’]

I fear that his campaign will assure a victory for Mrs. Clinton with disastrous consequences for our party and the country’s future.

As a father of two daughters preparing for marriage, [Slightly awkward, in that at first glance it reads as though the daughters are marrying each other.], I am repulsed [Repulsed is good.] by his comments regarding women. [Drop regarding women. The sentence is snappier without it, and in a very brief letter you’ve already used the word regarding.]

I regret coming to the Trump support event, and in particular allowing my son to be part of it. [This is good, especially the anxiety about introducing his son to the language-world known (in German) as küntgrablichkeit.]

I respectfully request that my money be refunded. [Better tone than the other letter, but in both cases you can kiss the cash goodbye.]

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One Response to “Scathing Online Schoolmarm talks about the “Refund My Money” Letter”

  1. Greg Says:

    “küntgrablichkeit” is genius. He should also keep his son away from the Breugles, really everything, at the Art History Museum in Vienna.

    Digressing wildly, I found this strange film about that musuem really wonderful:

    http://thegreatmuseum-thefilm.com/

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