January 16th, 2023
‘Crimson Tide assistant Bryan Hodgson was his primary recruiter…’

Take a bow, Bryan! You really know how to pick ’em! Darius Miles is so hot he’s got the whole campus running to get out of his way!

Look at those Alabama students run!

January 5th, 2023
The American University and the Life of the…

mind.

December 31st, 2022
America’s Sickest University Football Coach…

… and that’s saying a lot – has yet another nationally broadcast meltdown. Drink and violence and litigiousness have long been Steve Sarkisian’s (scroll down) game plan, and the resulting embarrassing spectacles in front of trustees, obscene actings-out in the larger community, and, in this latest instance, psychotic attacks on team staff, have totally endeared him to the nation’s premier football programs. He pulls in a huge salary and is massively lionized at one dominant program after another.

He hasn’t yet started pulling out a gun during his special moments (This is How We Do It), but once he does that, he’ll be guaranteed the head coaching spot at the school of his choice.

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The world of university football/basketball coaches is mainly a variant of Trumpworld. Everyone loves the athletic Trumplets’ sick dirty twisted lying ways, and when the sickest and dirtiest die, the, uh, what’s the word, encomia are enmazing! You’d never know from American sports journalism that Bobby Knight or Mike Leach (one of America’s most fanatic Trumpers) was anything other than a fine inspirational example to us all when his sadistic treatment of players comes to a permanent end. And so it is with another manifestly insane person, Steve S.

Of course a few sissy nay-sayers are calling for him to be fired. They seem worried that the school he rules – Texas, Austin – may suffer reputational damage through having made a gibbering lunatic the highest-profile, highest-compensated person on campus.

To which UD says: Fiddle dee dee! It’s Texas, sweetie!

December 27th, 2022
‘Major College Football Program Accused of Cheating’

NO. Oh dear God, NOOOOOooooooo….

December 18th, 2022
‘Kylian Mbappe has touched the ball just 10 times so far – that’s fewer than any other outfield player and the same as Argentine keeper Emi Martinez who probably should have brought out some reading material given how little he has had to do.’

In memory of UD‘s Argentine Uncle Mario, who routinely gave wee La Kid Argentine soccer t-shirts when she was growing up, and who, at this moment, would have been exploding/berserk.

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Whoops. They found something for Martinez to do. Score now 2-2.

December 16th, 2022
‘[Richie] Incognito was suspended (twice) at Nebraska, and you know it’s not easy to get suspended at Nebraska, where character-building coach Tom Osborne let a cornerback play while awaiting trial for second-degree murder. Osborne also retained a defensive lineman who was arrested eight times, convicted four times, and left the heartland accused of multiple sexual assaults, before his induction into Nebraska’s Hall of Fame in 2006. Not to mention Nebraska’s [former] leader of young men, Bo Pelini, who is still apologizing for an epic carpet-bombing of F-words, an attempt to say exactly what he thought of Nebraska’s fans.… The Incognito rap sheet includes a note that his peers voted him the NFL’s second-dirtiest player. No. 1 in a Sporting News poll last year was another Nebraska worthy, Ndamukong Suh.’

And that’s just the beginning. Ain’t no viler football program than U Nebraska’s, and today it’s busy gilding the lily again with … the coach himself!

 [Mickey Joseph is] accused of putting his hands around a woman’s throat, pulling her hair and punching her during a domestic dispute Nov. 30, according to a police affidavit. He was charged on Dec. 1 with assault by strangulation or suffocation.

For decades of Nebraska football, go here.

December 13th, 2022
Mike Leach: RIP

A reposting from 2016 in his memory (some links have expired):

Many big-time university coaches are variants of Donald Trump…

… but the one who comes closest to the original is Washington State University’s Mike Leach, a man who arrives at each new job trailing a longer and longer shitstream.

Variant doesn’t quite say it, actually. Leach

keeps a framed, autographed picture of Trump on the wall in his office in Pullman, Wash.

Leach has learned everything he knows from Trump: hit back hard; sue the shit out of everyone; discover conspiracies everywhere.

Leach’s latest is a perennial favorite: a media conspiracy. Some of his lads were allegedly involved in a fight at a recent party, and there are reports that one of them broke a fellow student’s jaw. Badly. He did it by kicking him repeatedly in said jaw while the student was unconscious on the floor.

Asked about it, Leach said it was all lies, all a media conspiracy.

When given the chance to correct any facts about the situation that he alleges the media got wrong, Leach said there were “too many to address…”

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See, this is what UD loves about Trump and Trump wannabes like Leach. They really don’t give a shit. They’ll just go out there and say anything… make a hail mary pass… kick the ball down the field see where that sucker ends up… The President was born in Kenya. I won’t tell you the facts about a situation whose facts I don’t know because there are too many facts that I know. Just go there. Just do it. Just brazen that fucker out. It’s an amazing spectacle, and Donald Trump is here to prove that it can take you far.

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Trump has done fairly well with high-profile, unconventional college coaches. But his past two big endorsements — Bobby Knight and … Leach, were fired for, respectively, putting their hands on a student, and making a player stand in a shed.

December 12th, 2022
Five Million Dollars a Year and You’re Strangling a Family Member?

Gevalt, the entire American media apparatus is after us today all cuz Mr Bigtime University Coach couldn’t keep his hands off his ex-wife or his girlfriend or his kid or whatever. And we’re Texas, Austin! We consider ourselves a respectable academic institution! Highest paid person around here, eyes of the world on you, and you do this?

We did hesitate to hire you when we found out Bobby Knight was your mentor; but we decided to overlook this. Mistake.

Now it’s gonna cost us a shitload of money/legal crap to break your contract, and the bad publicity is already a bitch.

Here’s hoping you’re revving your Jesus tears for the camera; it ain’t much, but it might work.

November 5th, 2022
Yet another sheepskin confessional.

We’ve followed many of them on this blog over the years, wrenching accounts of young innocents who adored college football and watched it obsessively until, you know, violence, concussions, asshole players and coaches…

I was watching when the Dolphins quarterback Tua Tagovailoa’s fingers twisted up during what looked like a seizure after his head slammed on the turf. But at least Tua had $30 million in the bank. He wasn’t a teenager, too young to understand the risks, counting on the adults to protect him.

… [I] can’t watch college football at all anymore…

Then a whole bunch of stuff about how mentally challenged coach/player-senators and senator-candidates mean all of America’s becoming college football by a different name.

Tommy Tuberville coached in the Cotton Bowl in 2007. He’ll be in the U.S. Senate until at least 2026. He is America’s future.

Maybe a tad overstated, but it’s the final three sentences of the piece and dude wants to end with a bang.

Anyway, people like UD have been saying the same thing about college ball for twenty years – accompanied by mucho scoffing/derision – but it don’t make no nevermind. I don’t actually think Tom of the Tuberville is our national future; but, like his exemplar Trump, he’s certainly able to kick up a lot of shit.

October 13th, 2022
This story is SO Louisiana.

To understand why it’s officially the worst state in the nation, you have to drill down to the details. A routine event hits the national news because it involves (what else) football. The son of an NFL player does that thing. That all-American, but way Louisiana thing. Drives around (maybe drunk) on a Saturday night. Just a tadpole at 21 years of age, but out piloting a huge black Range Rover SUV late at night all by his iddy biddy self. Although he kills a pedestrian … hits and kills an entire adult human being…. he … doesn’t notice. Three days later when witnesses start coming forward his parents get him a lawyer.

I’m waiting to hear he was carrying mucho assault rifles in the car too. All in good time.

And yes, it’s quite likely he waited three days in order to get rid of whatever was in his system.

And the wayest Lousiana thing? Judge will let him off scot free cuz … you know… young, football, booze, gigantic SUVs — it’s not a crime. It’s a way of life.

October 4th, 2022
Time was, UD would follow college stories like these.

Wisconsin fired Paul Chryst on Sunday, fired him five games into the 2022 college football season, fired him with a career record of 67-26. Just sent him packing, humiliated the former Wisconsin quarterback, as if his previous seven seasons — all ending in bowl games, the Badgers winning six of those — hadn’t happened.

This is where college football has gone. Into the dumpster, into the land of toxic make-believe.

Into the SEC.

Trees aren’t even shedding leaves yet, and already five Power 5 schools have shed their head football coach. Wisconsin on Sunday joined Nebraska (Scott Frost), Arizona State (Herm Edwards), Georgia Tech (Geoff Collins) and Colorado (Karl Dorrell), firings that will cost those schools more than $50 million in buyouts. All five are public schools. The money comes from somewhere, a shell game of shady boosters in the background writing checks, money diverted from more noble potential causes. Cleaning up a landfill, for example...

[University coaches?] Clemson’s Dabo Swinney, Georgia’s Kirby Smart, Texas A&M’s Jimbo Fisher and Alabama’s Nick Saban have contracts in the $100 million range…

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You know, toting up all the money pathetic states like Alabama give their coaches, blah blah. It’s like NFL concussion stories. Blah.

October 2nd, 2022
‘“All sports clubs (in Indonesia) that compete between the cities are always intense,” Indonesian football analyst Dex Glenniza told CNN, who noted that it was “forbidden” for Arema and Persebaya supporters to visit each other’s stadiums.’

Of course it’s completely hohum for soccer matches to end in bloody slaughter all over the field, but UD wondered about this comment. I think it must mean that the crowd that killed itself the other day was made up exclusively of supporters of the home team. The slaughter wasn’t even about opposing fans – just the local guys unhappy that their guys lost. What an achievement.

September 23rd, 2022
Headline of the Day.

A Utah Student has been Charged with

Making Terrorism Threats

Over a Football Game

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‘According to the charging documents, the student studied engineering and had knowledge of the university’s nuclear reactor.

The University of Utah is among more than two dozen U.S. universities with nuclear engineering programs that use reactors for faculty and student research.

The university said in a statement on Thursday that the reactor was secured and campus law enforcement had protocols in place to ensure no breaches are made.’

August 5th, 2022
The third leg…

of the race.

August 2nd, 2022
A Good Night’s Sleep

What these players are doing for guaranteed money, what is the incentive to practice? What is the incentive to go out there and earn it in the dirt? You are just getting paid a lot of money up front and playing a few events and playing 54 holes.

Tiger Woods, who has just turned down around $800 million guaranteed from Saudi Swingers Inc, describes a dystopian green where mulish millionaires futz a bit with balls before breaking for كافيار.

Me, I love the image. The game Don DeLillo calls an “anal round of scrupulous caution and petty griefs” has always been for UD an excellent aide-sommeil: The low drone of commentators, the long verdant nothingness, the occasional tinny sound of spectators … I’d call it white noise if it weren’t so green.

The last thing UD’s looking for is some flashy hotshot pulling off improbable victories on the course. She wants petty anality, and the more the better. So, Saudi golf: Good on ya.

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