If you can read this compendium of high-priced shit behavior without laughing…

… you’re a better man than I am. The writer struggles to give a complete account of all the multimillionaire assholes on NFL teams, but like everyone else who tries this trick, he seems overcome, toward the middle of the piece, by his own incredulity at the numbers.

UD wonders if it will ever occur to this guy that the reason violent, amoral, and on occasion overtly demento, shitskies are all over our best teams is that the game targets them. Still unclear? RECRUITS them. SCOUTS for them. COMPETES for them. LAVISHLY REWARDS them. The worst of the worst, most recently, were both team captains. Beau idéal: Richie Incognito. Tell me if this is still over your head.

“Shooting forces suspension of Camden-Pleasantville playoff game”

Here’s a headline with a whiff of the obsolete. Not long from now, parents will recall for their children the quaint practice of suspending football games when people in the stands or on the field initiated mass shootings. “Now of course they play right on through it – couldn’t have youth football if you suspended every game where some little fella took out his AR-15! … People still scatter. But as soon as the shooter’s finished, everyone comes back to the stadium. And something I’ve noticed is that there’s an excitement factor, a wake-up factor – like the guys on the field and the people in the stands are all shook up – but in a good way – after the shooting. The players are sharper; the fans are more enthusiastic. The whole thing feels more real; bleeding children remind the crowd of the preciousness of life and how lucky they are to be here, on a sunny day, watching football.”

Sentences that Make UD Laugh

Many other high-profile cases of in-game assault have gone unpunished by the criminal justice system. Kermit Washington nearly killed Rudy Tomjanovich with a punch, and was never charged. Nor was Mike Tyson for biting off Evander Holyfield’s ear. Nor was Albert Haynesworth for stomping on Andre Gurode’s head.

Here’s his hero page!

And it’s Texas A&M, arguably the country’s most pornographic football school, so you know that however many other people Myles Garrett beats the shit out of on national tv, the page will stay up…

UD loves the way everybody’s all ooh I’m shocked that a football game would produce a brawl and the brawl would produce an assault… And when the hero of Texas A&M, now a professional player, gets no jail time and a three-day suspension, are you still gonna be shocked? No, because your initial shock will give way to appreciation of the sincere and heartfelt violence of the people you love to watch splitting heads on the gridiron. These dudes mean it!

Says on Garrett’s Texas A&M page that he “regularly speaks to young people at various schools around the local community,” and I’m wondering what he said. If anybody annoys you, I want you to pull off their helmet and use it as a weapon to smash their head.

But look. I mean, A&M. A player arrest rate that will make your smashed head swim. Johnny Manziel’s enabler through his long alcoholic history there. Zaycoven Henderson! Rick Perry was a cheerleader (not kidding).

************

Garrett [already] had to fight the perception he was a dirty player after multiple penalties in Week 2 against the New York Jets, including one roughing the passer hit that broke Jets quarterback Trevor Siemian’s ankle. He was not suspended for that, however.

Now, when he kills someone… then his hero page will come down.

Nah.

Jim Jordan’s Ohio State University Wrestling Days: His Training Ground for Shrugging at Anything Donald Trump Does.

All sorts of direct witnesses apparently told then-assistant OSU wrestling coach Jordan that the team doctor was raping student wrestlers. Yeah, we know; it is what it is, he is reported to have said to the complainants. If you can shrug at a doctor masturbating in front of one of your referees in the locker room shower, you can shrug at anything.

Rutgers University: As Ever, a Class Act.

From their greedy idjit prez to their AD — a man very highly compensated for having the brains to leave messages on journalists’ phones telling said journalists they are “fucking scum” for questioning him about the third case of psycho coaches at the school — Rutgers University has proved itself one of America’s premier high culture locations. The life of the mind is in good hands there.

My Bodyguard

Violence is now so bad in German soccer – a referee remains in the hospital, recovering from quite serious wounds inflicted on him by a player who attacked him when he ordered the player off the field – that referees have gone on strike. On one team, bodyguards will be assigned in the future to game officials. Play on!

Wonder what’ll happen to the homicidal honey… Will they make him team captain, put on a parade in his honor, or give him the keys to the city?

Why does Greek football still exist?

Years of the most gruesome violence, game after game, have reduced increasing numbers of matches to quickly suspended exercises in riot control. The visiting morons who continue to march into Greece to play – who even allow their children to march into Greece to play – are “shocked” when eighty thugs blast into a stadium and beat up their kids in the stands because… because… because the Greeks never do this sort of thing!

You might have thought a team owner ambling onto the field during a big televised match and waving his loaded pistol at an official who displeased him might have signaled to the Greek state that the game … needed a pause. You might have thought the fact that no one is able to police the event at all would instigate a moment or two of withdrawal and contemplation.

UD‘s suspicion is that the Greek government is working on a plan whereby that country’s substantial violent minority is at it were herded into stadiums and allowed to torch property and bloody people to its heart’s content, thereby keeping the streets reasonably safe.

Soccer reduced to repressive desublimation is an intriguing short-term approach to a homicidal population; but

  1. it won’t work for long; and
  2. death rates inside the stadiums are going to go wild.

I mean, in its outlines it’s a reasonable plan, but it needs tweaking. UD‘s suggestion to the Greek government: Build hundreds more stadiums and turn them into fun concentration camps where disarmed fascist gangs are held in comfortable cells during the night and then let loose during the day to storm the fields and rip each other to shreds. Light meals will be provided.

University of New Mexico: Ever-Upstanding.

Now that its quarterback has been filmed calling a woman over to his car and telling her to help him finish masturbating, UNM – one of this blog’s venerable favorites – is in the news again. UD has long argued that a state as corrupt and fiercely anti-intellectual as New Mexico should give up on the whole public university thing, with its Dave Schmidlys and Mike Locksleys and a host of others running this hopelessly shabby show. But on it goes; the curtain … or whatever … keeps going up…

“If you’re an athletic director and a president and a board of trustees, you’ve got to think long and hard before you pull the trigger in this day and time on some of these buyouts … Because it doesn’t sink in too well with people on campus, your professors, different colleges.”

Oh, but who cares. It’s Auburn.

Limerick.

The way-Catholic Cardinal Ritter
Is standing knee-deep in the shitter.
But what can they do?
That fucking tattoo.
At least you can't call the team quitters.


The Miyamura High School’s Winning Football Strategy: The “Put the Coach in Jail” Play.

[A] cellphone video, shot by [a player], … allegedly showed [Coach John] Roanhaus walking in the locker room and taking two $20 bills from a black wallet before stuffing that cash into his sock, according to an arrest warrant.

For weeks, players had been mysteriously losing cash from their wallets… It had gotten so bad that players had been suspecting each other of the thefts and Roanhaus claimed to be a victim too, parents said.

Roanhaus had even made players run extra laps at practice as punishment for one of them allegedly stealing, the parents told KOB.

****************

Miyamura High School’s football team has won just twice in nine games this season — though the Patriots did win their first game after Roanhaus’ arrest.

Bulgarian Soccer Fans. Not sure why everyone’s making such a fuss about them. You can see the same thing in Italian, French, German, Argentine, and dozens of other national stadiums.

This guy, and a lot of other commentators, are really upset about Bulgarian behavior against England the other night. People are screaming so hard about what looks to ol’ UD like routine racism and fascism in the stands that the head of Bulgarian soccer – who saw and heard nothing during the game and is offended by derogatory remarks from various quarters about Bulgarian fascists – has been forced to resign.

Everyone’s droning on about how it’s happening onaccounta resurgent right-wing nationalism in Europe – which assumes that if you can liberalize a government you can debestialize soccer fans. Me no think so. Me think there’s really nothing political about these people. Me think if you asked them basic political questions they wouldn’t understand what you were saying.

Read any intelligent person on ISIS. ISIS is about nihilism and love of beheadings and enslaving; it ain’t very Islamic and it certainly ain’t political. Hate to get all Jonathan Swift on you, but a lot of people – er, young men – are real animals. (Most soccer stadium audiences around the world are currently almost one hundred percent young and male. Everyone else is too afraid for their and their childrens’ lives.) Countries that let them attend public competitive events get what they deserve.

Yet, as Mike Meehall Wood points out, Bulgaria (and other countries) ain’t got much choice:

[D]omestic games are played out to low crowds, where the only people who show up are those who really, really care, which is to say, the hooligans. The idea that the Bulgarian authorities can root out the boneheads is laughable: the stadiums would be empty afterward, so congratulations on not only becoming the guy who bankrupted the club, but also the one who incurred the wrath of the most aggressive and dangerous thugs in town in the process.

The hooligans know this, and thus act with near impunity.

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But UD! You’re talking about closing down soccer altogether!

Look. Countries already have shitlists of people they won’t allow into the games. Make the shitlists long enough and non-barbarians might start buying tickets. And anyway what are you talking about? Don’t you know that increasing numbers of games are played in closed-to-the-public stadiums because audiences are simply becoming unacceptably dangerous? I ain’t the one shutting down the show – that’s the soccer federation.

BREAKING NEWS: A UD EXCLUSIVE

With the imminent incarceration of his latest personal attorney, the president is, according to three sources, about to name Washington State University coach, and Pepperdine-educated attorney, Mike Leach, to replace Rudy Giuliani. A longtime supporter, Leach has a framed and signed photo of Trump on the wall of his WSU office, shares the president’s love of conspiracy theories, obscenity, and violence, and is said to be “tired” of coaching fat stupid lazy worthless university students for a mere four or five million a year.

For background on Leach, go here.

All Hail President Robert Barchi as his Rutgers Presidency Comes to an End!

He leaves, he tells us, on a high note; and who could disagree? From his refusal to step down from lucrative do-nothing corporate board seats even though they represented a conflict of interest; to his inept oversight, during his short tenure, of the most prolific, grotesque and high-profile athletic scandals American higher ed has ever seen; to his spending unprecedented amounts of school money on a football team so outrageously horrible that sports writers compete to describe it (“worst team in big ten history,” “so bad the big ten should kick them out,” “worst football imaginable,” “so bad it’s almost impossible“), Barchi has, allow UD to say, managed to embody to perfection the very essence of the postmodern American university president: Brainless, arrogant, greedy, institution-destroying, and deeply, deeply embarrassing for everyone involved. In other words: The bidding for Barchi to be president of your school has just begun!

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