That dream where you get naked in front of the Canadian Parliament, and then pee into a coffee cup.

Like many Americans, UD tends to consider the US more interesting/amusing than Canada. But, curled up with Mr UD last night to watch the Canadian election returns, she heard for the first time about MLA Will Amos (shouldn’t have been the first time, but the story was, typically, under-reported here) who on a parliamentary zoom session paraded nude in front of that, er, body.

He apologized for the incident, and then, shortly afterward, on another parliamentary zoom session, he whipped it out again and peed into a coffee cup.

This time, his, uh, staff reported, he was going to receive “help for stress and time management.”

***********************

Yes, yes, a high-profile American journalist masturbated on a zoom session, and qua act, public self-abuse earns more points than public self-exposure/micturation. Unfortunately for us, however, Jeffrey Toobin’s lack of imaginative scope (he did the deed in front of a smattering of colleagues and interview subjects, not in front of, for instance, the US Senate) lands his act squarely in second place.

Misérable.

Who am I?
I teach a class called I Hate Me
My students watch my agony
Innocents who chose this place
Not to watch me hate my race

Who am I?
What do they think a syllabus is for?
It is to say Forgive Me evermore
And say my hated name until I die
And make my students just as vile as I

Oh tell me why
They cannot face their own deep shame
They think they do not bear the blame
They say “I came to school to learn,
Not to watch you crash and burn.
Your self-abasement makes me yawn.
I’m out of here, Madame.  I’m gone.”

Who am I?
Who am I?

‘I can no longer sit back and allow Communist infiltration, Communist indoctrination, communist subversion, and the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.’

Brig Gen Jack D Ripper states his intentions.

If you are an out of work attorney (and there are a lot of you), run, don’t walk, to THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS

That state’s head is so far up its ass on so many big issues that you’re assured legal work as everyone – the Justice Department just filed- sues Texas for everything all the time.

It’s the sweetest litigation the country ever knew
Abortion, guns, and voting, they’re waiting there for you!
You may talk about your tort law and your pers’nal injury
But the law biz down in Texas is the only game for me.

Baltimore City: No One’s Home

It’s small stories like this – the city put up a street sign honoring a drug dealer – that help you understand how far the place where UD was born has fallen.

No one was home, the relevant agency is corrupt, the relevant agency sees nothing wrong with honoring drug dealers – there are many possibilities…

And look. Why take the sign down?

“I don’t think they should have taken the sign down because, at some time, I’m sure he did some great works for humanity,” said Anecia Spears.

‘While there may be some bounce-back from certain auto enthusiasts, the North Carolina House passed the bill with a nearly unanimous … 107-5 vote, with little debate. However, Rep. David Willis belongs to a Jeep enthusiast group, and the Republican from Union County has requested that Jeeps be exempt from the rules.’

UD often wonders: What dey do down dere? Legislation-wise, I mean. What matters so much as to engage the attention of their legislators and be enshrined into law?

Well all you gotta do is follow North Carolina’s massively covered squat story to know the heartbeat of America, southern-style.

So a big thing to do down there is modify your ginormous pickup by stickin’ the front up high and the back down low, so that… heck I don’t know why you do it. Cain’t see the road. Blind oncoming drivers. Run a much higher chance of tipping over. Lots of other stuff. It’s just a thang you do when you tryin’ to be bad.

Last June a bill prohibiting truck squatting passed the NC House — up in my headline, you see Rep. Willis’s poignant plea that the Jeep be spared onaccounta he likes Jeeps — and then it passed the Senate and today the governor signed the thing, which means, uh, squat cuz assholes who squat their trucks don’t fuck with laws.

There’s a powerful J’Accuse in Jalopnik, which I’ll excerpt here.

[M]any people seem to hate the Carolina Squat solely because of the way it looks. Check out all the bigoted comments on the Change.org petition that aims to outlaw the vehicle modification… I think it’s safe to say that few folks see a jacked up car and say: “I’m really concerned that that driver may not be able to see over the hood.” No, the criticism is usually one of simple disgust, and while I can’t assert with confidence that socioeconomic prejudices are at play with the general sentiments towards Carolina Squat trucks, I will say that anytime we notice scores of people hating something immediately upon learning about it or seeing it, we should all take a step back and try to improve our understanding… I’m just always a bit concerned when I see vitriol directed towards any misunderstood car subculture…

Up Close and Personal with…….

……… an anti-vaxer.

***************

‘[A reporter] approached [an anti-vaxer at a rally] and queried, “Maybe you can help me out: I’m seeing signs that say, ‘Vaccine Mandates Are Fascism,’ and also signs that say, ‘Vaccine Mandates Are Communism.’ Which one is it?”

“It’s both,” she replied.

“It’s both? Those are diametrically-opposed ideologies,” he countered.

“I don’t think it’s communism—I think it’s more like a dictatorship, like we’re living in a Nazi Germany and the only thing that’s missing is the camps and the gas,” she argued.

“That’s what’s happening right now? Because you can’t go to a concert?” [the reporter] asked.

“I can’t go to a concert… I can’t go to a gym…” she reasoned.

“Do you think that’s what it was like in Nazi Germany? People were bitching about not going to a gym?”’

I mean, what does “Social Security” mean, if not…

this? Shouldn’t the government guarantee that Andrew Saul remain socially secure?

Howard University Really Knows How to Pick ‘Em.

Their incoming fine arts school dean tweeted enthusiastic support of a man who has admitted to drugging women for sex, and whose conviction on aggravated indecent assault charges has just been overturned on a technicality. He continues to face multiple civil suits.

Now Howard University women get to worry that their new dean will bring her fierce defense of predators to their campus.

‘The obscene wealth on display at the Yellowstone Club isn’t what draws Sharon and Tom. It’s the sense of normalcy this place brings them. “Other members simply aren’t impressed by what you’ve accomplished outside the club. People don’t need to put on airs.” [Tom] recounted seeing a nationally famous club member tying his own kid’s shoe. “There he was, bent over on one knee. Not his nanny nearby, but himself. It was unbelievable to see.”’

Unbelievable.

Wyoming, UD comes to think, is our most peculiar state. In 2013, it was our fifth richest. It’s bilious with billionaires, but also boasts plenty of brick and mortar industry.

It’s got guns up the wazoo: “Wyoming has, by far, the highest number of guns per [shot off] capita. Of Wyoming’s 581,075 people, there are 132,806 registered guns.”

Shot off? What’s UD mean?

Waaal, you know… all them guns….

In 2020, 181 Wyomingites killed themselves. That’s a rate of 31 deaths per 100,000 residents, up from 29.4 in 2019, the highest suicide rate in the nation. The state’s suicide rate has remained high for years…

Round these parts, people say Let a smile be your umbrella. In Wyoming, they say Let a Colt be your bolt.

Or, as they say at the NRA: Guns don’t kill people; people with guns kill themselves.

And here’s another peculiar Wyoming statistic: It’s almost smack-dab at the bottom of states with the lowest covid vaccination rates. Only some of our poorest states (Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi) rank lower than wealthy Wyoming. (“Wyoming is currently ranked 4th in the United States for its economic outlook.”) Ain’t dat something? I mean, when you put it all together: A gorgeous, well-off state with everything to live for, whose most noteworthy output is suicidal gun-hoarders who don’t give a shit about their health or yours. Paging Cormac McCarthy.

***************

And hey maybe UD finds all of this arresting because maybe she’s looking at the future. Where America’s cutting-edge, paranoid, venture capitalists go, there go I. There go all of us. To quote the title of that funny book about grammar: Eats, shoots, and leaves.

Scenes From the Inserection

[Diane] Andrews and her friend Lee Jenkins, a hair stylist, said they joined the crowd “storming the Capitol” but insisted most protesters were peaceful and didn’t deserve to be charged. The women said they had considered entering the building too, but decided not to because they feared the tear gas would aggravate Jenkins’ asthma.

After they returned to Texas, Jenkins’ Twitter account was removed. FBI agents interviewed Andrews at her home several times, she said. Neither woman was charged.

Photos Andrews had posted online were circulated. Although Jenkins — whose business had just reopened after the pandemic lockdown — lost some liberal clients, she said she gained conservative ones, as did Andrews, who works as a dominatrix.

“Yes, Powell is claiming that no one could possibly have believed her public allegations about Dominion were statements of fact, while simultaneously claiming that she herself believed they were statements of fact.”

Elizabeth Dye at Above the Law parses the desperation of Sidney Powell as she attempts to escape from Dominion Voting Systems’ $1.3 billion suit against her.

Ted Cruz’s Complaint About his “Asshole” Neighbors Brings to Mind…

… the Grass Clippings War between Rand Paul and one of his neighbors. That event inspired UD to write one of her better songs, she thinks… drawn from The Mikado…

These guys seem to rub everyone – far and near – the wrong way, and sometimes open hostilities erupt.

Will be working with Joseph Epstein and Paul Gigot to Set Up a Writers’ Collective.

There’s got to be a morning after
If we can hold on through the night
We have a chance to find the sunshine
Let’s keep on looking for the light

(Sing it.)

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