“Alabama always ranks at the bottom” of every state-based quality of life list, notes a local opinion writer; and if you want to know how they do it, look no further than Auburn University’s Neville Arena, purpose-built for basketball, but – er – converted the other night, by the school’s multimillionaire sports coaches (football and basketball), into a massive Christian revival/pep rally/public baptism. We Ask You Lord/In Jesus’ Name/Make Us Win/ Tomorrow’s Game…

Some have dared point out that Auburn is a public university, and here in the States, uh….

But the Guv herself just shot that right down as in like how dare sicko atheists dare tell us what to do down here …

And meanwhile all the smart people on campus (Jews, Hindus, Muslims) take one look at this sponsored, schoolwide thang and say Wow this is even freakier than Notre Dame… I’m getting the hell out of here…

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And that’s how you do it. That’s how you keep your school – and your state – stupid. In the name of the Father, the Run, and the Goaly Posts, Amen.

A Florida judge who refused to let a person get an abortion because her GPA was below average (for men, GPA stands for Grade Point Average; for women, Gestational Parameter Acceptability) lost his election because of it.

His wife helped out in his campaign, telling supporters that his Jewish opponent “needs Jesus.”

… its honoring of a person who attacks the chief justice of the US Supreme Court as a pedophile, and the last vice-president of the US as a traitor who needs to be hauled up in front of a firing squad and shot to death, you can go one of two ways in response. You can say Hey, that’s who we are, too; ol’ Lin is right that God anointed Trump president for life and the election results must be overturned in Jesus’ name. Or you can take one look at Lin’s one million dollar gift to your school and give it the hell back. As long as a madman’s name is plastered all over your moot courtroom, that’s the only thing anyone outside Macon is ever going to know about you.

Now a course there’ll be hell to pay. Ol’ Lin probably up and sue you and make a lot of noise about the whole thing. His followers will put on their Capitol-Trasher animal skins and protest real loud on your campus and Josh Hawley and Don Jr will be there in coonskin caps raising their fists and getting everybody all whomped up. That won’t be pleasant. But students transferring out/not applying because your law school’s Fuckhead Central won’t be pleasant either.

Life is an emotional roller coaster for Virginia Wesleyan’s global campus dean. First he burst out of the facebook gate aflame with rage over the defeat of his fellow fervent Christian, Donald Trump. He condemned anyone who voted for the Catholic antiChrist as unChristian and ignorant and anti-American and declared he’d never have anything to do again with such sinners.

Dean Ewell ain’t real bright (his academic specialty appears to be fishing) and despite his high-profile position at a reasonably respectable (or it used to be) university, he went ahead and wrote all this down in an easily accessible place. His – er – enthusiasm for the beloved leader alarmed many people at VWU, some of whom made sure his post went viral. And now Ewell’s apologizing as only a mindless fanatic panicked about losing his job can apologize. Let’s take a peek!

I spoke out of anger which I should not have done. Second, I don’t believe what I said. I have friends and family who are Democrats and I love them dearly. I have apologized on both accounts profusely. I set a poor example in that post of what a Christian should be. I know that God has forgiven me and already died for my sins. I hope others will forgive me as well.

Well, now! That’s done, and how easily and neatly! It’s been just a few hours but I know God has already forgiven me. This is America, Land of InstaCart and InstaTransgressionRelease.

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But wait! Now the beloved leader himself has singled Paul Ewell’s post out for praise! This support tweet from Trump is no doubt the highlight of Paul’s life, but he’s already on record having written (in haste again?) a total self-denunciation for exactly that which Trump is praising on high!

What to do??? You see what I mean by emotional roller coaster.

And meanwhile, as if that weren’t enough, VWU officials are reviewing the entire… situation (students, faculty, and alumni are embarrassed and pissed), so Ewell has to deal with that as well. His next public statement will definitely compare himself to the crucified Christ.

Saccone:

Meet Zappa.