… where Big Murderers torture pledges and then make them drink themselves to death has been cut back a bit with the closure of one of the fraternities at BGSU; but never fear! Your eighteen year old has many other campus houses from which to choose his agonizing demise, so look forward to a life haunted by guilt and rage for simply having sent your son off to college. Good on Bowling Green for continuing to hold high the banner of the American Abattoir.

And – hint! – you haven’t drawn upon your ever-reliable fraternity system in a long time. Make that your next move.

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And it looks as though USC’s long, happy relationship with the now-suspended Mark Ridley-Thomas will shine a bright light on the institution for some time to come.

Sing a song of dead men,
Stomachs full of rye.
Four and twenty freshmen
Baked in a Phi.

When the Phi’s indicted
The killers start to sing:
College life would be so dull
Without some poisoning.

Former Secretary of Education Arne Duncan asks whether the latest dead eighteen year old – this one at the University of Kentucky, a grody football school whose frat system is exactly as disgusting as you’d imagine – might finally shame the nation into shutting down its collegiate slaughterhouses.

************

UD thanks Mondo for telling her about the latest.

Because America loves its fraternities, especially in l’Age de Trump, where it’s all about bullies and booze and Berettas. Identifying a loser and making him drink whiskey til he dies in agony is as American as apple pie, a rite of passage into manhood or into the beyond. When it gets so bad that 2,000 students rally against the Greek system, schools okay right well yeah we’ll look into the situation… Slap a wrist here and there for sure, and if much of the nationwide system features sophisticated drug operations protected by firearms, rampant rape, and the singling out of losers – people desperate to belong to our club – for death by poisoning, so be it. These boys represent the best of America.

**********

Now down south they got that famous frat/football nexus, and that’s a hell of a thing to watch in action.

… a fraternity house. But you do have to bother to hide it.

[Maxwell] Berry graduated in May from Ohio Wesleyan University, where he received a values in action award from the Greek life community for being a “perfect role model” and for leading “the fight to dismantle fraternity stereotypes.”

BWAHAHAHAH

But you owe it to yourself to put today’s national news about Washington State University in context. With its $120 million athletics debt, its beloved twisted (ex-)football coach, its strikingly violent athletes, its indifference to actual education, and a whole lot of other shit, WSU is arguably at the moment America’s most scandalous campus.

Add ineptitude/corruption in local law enforcement, and you get the scandal everyone’s covering today – not merely another death by alcohol/neglect of some poor teenager just trying to join a fraternity, but the fact that it took almost two years for criminal charges to be filed.

Which means the serious – amply justified – charge of hazing had to be dropped.

The kid’s family is not happy, and you also owe it to yourself to read their full statement, which reviews the long vicious history of this fraternity.

The family makes the reasonable suggestion that the butcher’s bill for each fraternity should be public knowledge before yet another family lets its clueless nineteen year old enter these abattoirs.

We’ll be seeing a lot of these valedictories: Bloomsburg University has just shut down its entire Greek system. Typical reason: A dead freshman and a big ol’ lawsuit.

It’s always embarrassing when an institution founded on hyper-exclusivity, on the imposition of degrading, sometimes fatal, initiation requirements on desperate wannabes, begins to be shunned. It’s like that painful scene from Apollo 13 where NASA is breathlessly beaming capsule footage to no one cuz the nation has lost interest in the whole space thing. Only here it’s like What if they gave a lethal overdose and nobody came?

George, a UD reader, sends her the absurd, unsurprising disciplinary statistics on frats and sororities, for instance, at Indiana University. This headline captures it nicely:

Vast Majority Of IU Fraternities & Sororities Disciplined Since 2016

So, you know, having written about Greek dégueulasserie on this blog for years, I don’t need to revisit the abattoir here; I just need to update you on the faltering fortunes of these freshman fatality factories. As in, they’re faltering.

But here’s the thing. No one will ever actually kill them. They will stagger on, rotting brick Colonials inhabited by rancid remnants financed by hedgies who used to be members.

Well, if you ever listened to ol’ UD, you wouldn’t be astonished at all. How often has she tried to tell you that the best cover for major drug operations is a colonial home full of clean-cut studious fraternity brothers? Really, who would have thought that the earnest young strivers at San Diego State’s fraternities harbored major weaponry, tons of coke, and all the rest of the tools of the trade in their quaintly Greek-lettered domiciles? But no – even after SDSU, you’re still shocked, shocked, to find that a massive drug conspiracy rages in three North Carolina universities. Silly boy!

School song, Bois d’Aulne Secondary School:

Joy to the world, the teacher’s dead

We barbecued his head

What happened to his body?

We flushed it down the potty

And round and round it goes

Until it overflows

And rou-ound and rou-ou-ound and round it goes

Guns of course are ubiquitous at frats, but they’re an adjunct to the frat’s extensive drug dealing operation (see pages and pages of guns and frats here), or they’re AK-47s that the lads like to photograph themselves holding, or they’re be-well-son-and-take-care-of-yourself goodbye gifts from Maw and Paw as the little guy heads off to school. And of course they’re notoriously handy when suicide is in the air. All routine American gun use.

Real powpowpow, however, has been thin on the ground. Stuff that draws pledge-blood has been… anemic.

Yes, this Oklahoma State guy (an inter-fraternity council secretary)

used a loaded gun to scare two new fraternity recruits. The victims say (Owen) Hossack pointed the gun at their heads and asked if they would take a bullet for their brothers. Then, police say, he fired the gun …

But I mean big deal nobody got hurt and loyalty is an important value…

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See, if you ask UD the omnipresence of guns, alcohol, drugs, teenagers, secret guys-only events, and loyalty tests should mean that America’s budding Stephen Paddocks begin routinely manifesting themselves at our fraternities. By national standards, shooting a gun at two guys’ heads but not killing them is, uh, kid stuff.

On the other hand, there’s evidence that things are escalating to the serious mass shootings UD keeps expecting. New Mexico State University (feast your eyes) is exactly the sort of walking abortion of a school you’d expect to be a first-adopter here, and sure enough they did manage to draw blood at a recent hazing event.

Dozens of students, including Jonathan Sillas, attended the Kappa Sigma fraternity’s initiation event.

As Sillas was leaving, another student, Miguel Altamirano, pulled him to the side and told him to turn around, according to a criminal complaint.

Altamirano pulled out a .40 caliber handgun, held the firearm against Sillas’ leg and pulled the trigger, the complaint states. The bullet went through Sillas’ leg.

Gun-friendly states always use the passive voice. The bullet went through. The shooter did not put the bullet in Sillas’s leg; the bullet decided to go through Sillas’s leg. And note the other thing going on at hazing events: Sadistic tyranny. Pulled him to the side and told him to turn around. Right out of The Story of O. Frat hazing (and sorority hazing) reeks, my dears, of S&M.

Duh. We all know that. It’s about torturing people pathetic enough to be willing to be tortured in order to join your club.

I mean, datz why I keep wondering why no mass killing at Sigma Alpha Epsilon yet! You know they’ve got guns galore, but no one’s gonna confiscate them because that would initiate a massacre of free Americans by the federal government. Little by little, a pledge shooting here and a pledge shooting there, we’re inching toward mass murder at an American university fraternity. Just be patient.

Legacy admit, got my eyes on you
Baby you don’t know shit
Legacy admit, got my eyes on you
The way you use your mom
You’re the sub she’s dom

Otherwise you’ll bomb

Watch her shake her poms
It’s the new rom-com

You’ll move to Panmunjom

Until the shitstorm calms

Legacy admit, got my eyes on you
Mama buy your credits now
Legacy admit, got my eyes on you
The way you boogie all night
To your heart’s delight

While Mama makes it right

With her online sleight

Lat year, our fraternity system killed a student; this year it only almost killed a student. WE ARE GETTING SO GOOD! This tape is ready for this year’s ad campaign. Watch our ranking soar!!