Take a bow, Bryan! You really know how to pick ’em! Darius Miles is so hot he’s got the whole campus running to get out of his way!

Look at those Alabama students run!

LOL.

The trend of hookah bars down south featuring mass shootings with AK-47s is hotting up SO much that there’s now a new designation for the shooter venues: They are Hookah Bazookas, bars that can’t promise opportunities to use your weapons, but can certainly be said to have set up optimal conditions for armed street battle.

In order to get the designation, hookah lounges must be able to show that at least one mass shootout – with fatalities – has occurred in or near their property. Kulture Hookah, Melody Hookah, Hooka Lounge, and now Lounge 33 (scroll down) – all can boast mass death via massive firearms as part of the fun; these and several others are America’s Hookah Bazookas.

Where can you find them? Like I said, it’s ALL down south: Texas, Louisiana, West Virginia, Virginia. Folks at Lounge 33 are pretty fucking excited to join the Hookah Bazooka list, having lit up the streets of Houston with fifty – count ’em, 50! – ratatats from AK-47s last night.

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To be fair, a search of Hookah Club Shooting turns up locations across the great US of A.

Idaho Republican Apologizes for Comparing Women to Farm Animals

Pity the investigators who had to go searching through the whole vomitous scheme, which, most simply, featured ultra-pious ultraorthodox men stealing tens of millions of dollars from the most vulnerable, the neediest, small children of New York City, so that the ultra-pious could use the children’s funds for late-model SUVs and high-end condos in Florida.

As the ongoing NYT series of exposes demonstrates, you don’t get this, and other endemic forms of government fund theft/vile deprivation of desperately needed goods, without … well, it takes a village. People continue to be shocked by endemic welfare fraud in ultraorthodox communities; for some reason they don’t want to accept a world in which purely self-interested, civil authority hating cults steal our tax money. It seems to have taken a no-holds-barred NYT investigation to attract the attention of the civilized world as well as state and federal authorities to these crime-ridden communities. As any good Freudian will tell you, our deep denial of this reality, our bizarre stubborn insistence on regarding this community as worthy of our respect, will take a long time to change. Meanwhile, we will hand our hard-earned taxes to the lowest of the low. It’d be funny if it weren’t so sad.

... I read about Lisa Marie Presley‘s death. Both born and bred to LA madness, where scads of family and friends drugged and drank madly… You often read these days of uber-LA celebs moving everyone out of there (Australia seems the go-to spot) to avoid a culture where so many are pickling in chemicals.

Fisher made it to 60; Presley died at 54. Both hopelessly drugged up their hearts.

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As a university-chronicler, UD sometimes wonders about the almost-total absence of university education in Mad LA, something Ricky Gervais cruelly pointed out at an awards speech (“You’re in no position to lecture the public about anything. You know nothing about the real world. Most of you spent less time in school than [17 year old] Greta Thunberg.”). It’s not that you can’t become a walloping addict and have gone to Cambridge (see Stephen Fry), but it is possible that temporary removal from mad LA to a location of some discipline and reflection (note the title of B. Giamatti’s book on universities: A Free and Ordered Space) would have helped some of LA’s victims.

The occasion couldn’t be more banal: A recently appointed school superintendent plagiarized her dissertation, and the community wonders what to do about a flagrant academic cheater overseeing the academic progress and ethics of the community’s children.

A local newspaper

“examined and cross-checked the 164-page paper” after receiving a tip that the manuscript contained “questionable credits and attributions.”

So, point one: A 164 page doctoral dissertation? Even in the benighted field of education, this is pretty pathetic, given that around half (?) of that is going to turn out to be intro, notes, dedications, etc. Let’s assume actual writing takes up 85 – 90 pages. This is far from thesis length.

Even so, the author felt compelled to lard it up with stolen language.

 … 35 sections of the dissertation matched the phrasing from sources “word-for-word” and are misidentified or unidentified. The paper fails to properly quote from The Journal of School Nursing, The Journal of School Health, a U.S. Surgeon General’s Report and other sources, according to excerpts highlighted in the newspaper’s article. The story also featured a trio of interviews with professors with expertise in plagiarism — with two saying the exact matches of sentences indicate copying and the third saying they believed the dissertation should at least “be corrected if possible.”

This ain’t just plagiarism; it’s Potty Plagiarism, it’s Brown Spots on the Wall by Hoo Flong Dong, it’s lemme hurl words here and hurl words there and let my utterly indifferent and irresponsible dissertation committee figure it out. Cuz yeah responsibility here is shared by the tenured layabouts who didn’t bother reading this and just went ahead and passed it and therefore passed this woman along to her date with destiny in the form of a group of reporters who actually examined the thing.

The plagiarist refuses interview requests – who can blame her? – but does treat the school district she oversees for $226,000 a year to some of her actual prose by way of defending herself to them. Here goes, kiddies.

 I’d like to be as open and transparent as possible on a topic that reminds me being in public leadership requires perfection (and undue scrutiny and judgment), sometimes at the expense of the progress and grace that I often encourage our community to extend to self and others. I only hope that I can model what I expect of our community, display the capacity to adjust, and take the Michelle Obama approach … ‘When they go low, we go high.’

S’wonderful the way she opens by announcing she’s about to be as open and transparent as possible, and then immediately plunges into thickets of nothingness. Where is the word “plagiarism”? What the fuck is she talking about?

We’re not going after her semi-literacy here; she wouldn’t have woven her thesis of many colors if she were able to write. We’re going after her contemptible self-flattery (“My title, accolades, credentials, years of experience and degrees only matter on my resume.” Which is why I’m bleating about them here.) and victimization and plagiarism of the integrity of Michelle Obama in service of her own ass-covering. No one says her job requires perfection, and there’s nothing undue about scrutiny that reveals a person just hired to supervise the ethics of hundreds of schoolchildren has the scholarly ethics of an alleycat. “Grace” is fine, grace is excellent, grace is preparing us for: Whatever I’ve done Jesus forgives me. They go low – those hellish scum had the gall to uncover my plagiarism – but I will go high! I will point my finger to heaven where all is forgiven!

Harvard’s goal of a one hundred billion dollar endowment is in serious jeopardy this morning, as outside pressure on the Kennedy School threatens to alienate donors. The school denied a fellowship to a distinguished human rights advocate for fear that his critical remarks about Israel would offend Jewish benefactors, which would in turn significantly set back the Hundred Bill. for Harvard! campaign. But free speech advocates are fighting back in defense of the controversial candidate for the fellowship.

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Lord knows why anyone is critical of Israel.

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Harvard’s response to the controversy has been quick. “We’re already well on our way to 55 billion,” commented Gerald Symington, head of the HBH campaign, “and doubling that is far from an impossible dream. Imagine what just one school with a modest enrollment could do with that sort of money! We can’t afford to let Israel critics derail us from our dream.”

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Oh, okayyyyy…. We’ll give him the fellowship after all. But he better watch his mouth!

Born into a gunny house, Mother Shooter’s son
Six years old and shooting off your guns at everyone

Shoot inside your first grade class, make that teacher run!
Listen to the pretty sound of bullets as she flies

Find you in your empty class, Mother Shooter’s son
All the kids fled; just you and Mommy’s gun

Bang bang bang! Mother Shooter’s son!

Really? A six year old pulls out a loaded gun in his elementary school class and pops his teacher with it, and we don’t get to know who his parents are? If you lived anywhere near degenerates who leave loaded guns around the house (and this is the best scenario, right? maybe they gave the kid a loaded gun to take to school), wouldn’t you want rather desperately to know about that? Wouldn’t you really – for the sake of your family – have an absolute right to that information?

Who are they? Where do they live? How did they create a six-year-old mass killer? Think of how small the hands of six year olds are. How did they make a six year old who can whip out a gun and kill people with it? Even Dylan Klebold waited til he was seventeen to shoot up Columbine. Even Adam Lanza waited til he was twenty to shoot everybody at Sandy Hook. SIX years old and already at it?

Of course this is the evolution of bloody America. Not long ago you had to be a teenager to get a gun and kill everyone; now you can be six. We don’t yet have any laws to deal with our baby massacrists because we didn’t think they were possible. Silly us. We have an arms industry making smaller and smaller guns. We have computer games designed (ask Adam Lanza) to make killers out of lunatics and babies.

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And here you are, a family unable to afford to take your kid out of the public school killing fields and how do you feel about that, folks? How do you feel about living somewhere near unidentified degenerates who put guns in the hands of their small children?

At the very very least, the names and addresses of sick fucks who give their babies guns need to be published. I mean, yes, we’re totally as a country losing this battle anyway. But every little bit helps.

Bowing to pressure from the student and faculty community, NYU has decided to replace the controversial conspiracy theorist with the high-profile lawyer whose radical ideas about the American electoral process have shaken up the world of legal theory.

Insiders have suggested that the real reason Bartiromo has been removed involves enormous financial penalties she is expected to incur when she loses various multibillion dollar defamation lawsuits filed against her by voting machine companies. NYU trustees are appointed largely on the basis of their ability to give hundreds of millions of dollars to the school.

When packing your six year old’s pistol for school

Please help him to follow this one simple rule:

If shooting at teacher

He’s too short to reach her

So tell him to stand on a good sturdy stool.

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Little tyke didn’t manage to get a good shot off; looks as though his teacher will survive.

Success will take patience: This was apparently his first attempted murder, and I’m sure there will be others. Over time, he will learn proper stance, a steadier hand, etc.

Dad! Ball’s in your court. Beyond the obvious (much more father/son time on the shooting range), you’re going to have to pack multiple weapons in the lunchbox from now on, so that your child is able to choose the most appropriate weapon for any given situation.

No fear: The boy has his whole life ahead of him, and this is America.

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And a final, special message for the teacher: Apparently you caused the whole thing. Instead of letting the boy kill the classmate he was fighting with, you insisted on confiscating the weapon, which angered the boy and forced him to shoot at you. DO NOT – EVER – ATTEMPT TO GET BETWEEN A SIX YEAR OLD AND HIS RUGER. I suppose it didn’t even occur to you that this was probably a Christmas present, and one that he’s probably been begging for since he was three. Now it’s in the hands of the cops, and who knows how long it will be before his parents will be able to replace it with a junior AR-15.

Looks as though, because of you, Richneck Elementary School is going to have to wait some time before it gets its massacre. But all in good time.

… mind.

Royalty is ridiculous – this we all, including royals, know. Glued to their gowns the gapers may be, but the Disnoid trashiness of the spectacle in its modern pointless form is the main thing, especially after the death of Elizabeth, the only royal who seemed to mean something (but what?). The old kings (Juan Carlos, Gustaf of Sweden) are the moral degenerates you’d expect the idle meaningless rich to be ; younger kings (Charles, Felipe) are visibly embarrassed/annoyed by the whole enterprise. They want to mean something, but the whole point of royalty is that they are never allowed to.

The least unpleasant place to be in this dead living world is very safely distant from the throne itself. Baby Edward is clearly the happiest of the Windsors; when he ventures out on his few vague royal thingies no one knows who he is, and this lack of crowd and media interest allows him to pursue a modest and contented private life without, for instance, worrying hysterically about the physical safety of his children every moment they are on display in a world of violent crazies targeting royals just because. Remember the HUGE fuss Prince Harry recently made about royal security for his lot. He was right to fuss. Royals are serious targets – from the media (that’s how Harry lost his mother) as much as from crazed individuals with guns and knives. His grandmother was attacked while on horseback during a ceremonial function; a berserk man got into her bedroom. Etc.

The royal world’s most unpleasant place to be features in the title of the destined to be much-read SPARE by Harry.

You can see the problem currently in three royal houses: England, Denmark, and Norway. Harry claims that at his birth his father washed his hands of the insultingly stupid Diana, remarking that “my work here [shtupping Diana enough to produce an heir and a spare] is done.” This, and the internationally broadcast death of one’s mother in a traffic tunnel, cannot be a solid foundation for a happy life. Harry has suffered bitterness, resentment, and mental instability for years, and it’s not his fault that the strong-willed, highly intelligent, and absolutely non-royal woman who has stabilized him repels his royal family. If he can come to terms with having very little relationship with that family, he will continue to generate his own family, friends, and meaningful projects stateside.

The spare in Denmark is super-pissed because his mother the queen, in a gesture lots of other contemporary royal houses are also making, has stripped his four children of prince and princess titles, reducing them to the risibly low count/countess. The gesture acknowledges the pointless expensive absurdity of modern royal houses, and seeks to make them much smaller objects of republican discontent. Prince Joachim is taller, smarter, and more articulate than the crown prince, clearly believes he himself should be king on his mother’s death, and has not at all hidden his rage at his mother’s swipe at his kids. He’s moving his family to (where else) America, and seems disinclined to look back.

Norway is the most … baroque example of surreality among the surviving royal houses of Europe. The rightful heir to that throne, if you don’t count her lack of a penis, is Martha Louise, the elder of the king’s two children. Her brother seems a presentable, somewhat full of himself, king to be; but you can’t blame Martha for being a little annoyed about how things worked out. She too lives in the United States, with her New Age Shaman husband to be. Her failure to be lifted up to the throne of Norway has meant the freedom to pursue a large set of incredibly stupid beliefs and rituals in Los Angeles.

Their blastula’s Fetal Prelude will emerge in ghostly notation on its ultrasounds.