The next student athlete to speak
Is defensive lineman Tydreke:
“Coach told us ‘Test learning disabled.
All courses not AFAM are tabled.
And oh by the way you’re all freaks.'”

———
UD thanks Dave.

Lament on Chapel Hill

Time was when we couldn’t be prouder
Of Professor… er… Ms Deborah Crowder.
Her work with Nyang’oro
Was rapid and thorough
And no one was able to out her.

A director of ours name of Peter
Likes to whip out and point his big heater.
Hip hip hip hooray
He so blows us away
We decided to make him our leader.

Of course now that we all know Barrow’s (named after Clyde, I presume) neuroengineering director likes to take semiautomatic rifles off his shoulder at the airport and point them at people, the place has had to drop him like a hot AR-15.

But where’s the NRA? They’ve got plenty of money to defend Second Amendment martyrs (“[H]e’s putting his life, his fortune and his sacred honor on the line for his beliefs…”). Why the silence?

Teach naked, steal shit, and steal signs:
Why behavior so outside the lines?
Are you jumbled and jivey
‘Cause you teach at an Ivy?
Does the league make you out of your mind?

In the matter of Christine Lagarde
Take notice, heads up, et regarde:
The College of Smith
(To get right to the pith)
Has been hoist by its very petard.

At Stanford the nasty aroma
Wafting westward from Mathew Martoma
Has become so intense
That it seemed to make sense
To decide to revoke his diploma.

A music professor named Sandy
Used a U-issued Mac to be randy.
He tried not to be caught
But he outright forgot
That they had his IP address handy.

A cheater named Mathew Martoma
Lied his way to a Stanford diploma.
His scam MBA
Was so artful a play
It deserves to be hanging in MOMA.

A pharm-loving doctor named Stossel
Is a fervent free market apostle.
But Glaxo’s stopped bribing
For over-prescribing,
And Stossel’s upset is colossal.

For Moody’s it’s tricky to rate
The train wreck that’s Alabam State.
“It should be a D
But our lowest is C.
We’ll need to revise the whole slate.”

The Lions’ big center Raiola
Went off to collect his payola.
His manner was blunt
He called everyone cunt
And signed his own name with Crayola.

Brian Emanuel Schatz
Expresses himself via blats.
“I learned it from Rona.
We met at Pomona.
It dates to my time in the frats.”

It’s hard to take very much glee
In the matter of E. Gordon Gee
He’s merely symbolic
Of crap hyperbolic
At all of the sports factories.

A curious conference at Bard
Has left its professors quite scarred.
When asked about Summa
They say Man what a bumma.
Disregard! Disregard! Disregard!

************************

UD thanks Josh.

From Harvard the gift of the Niall
Approaches with crocodile smile.
To contemplate him
Is to think of the hymn:
“And only the human is vile.”

***********************

Update: A British reader corrects my pronunciation of Niall (should sound like neel). All I can say in my own defense is that I had an Irish boyfriend once who pronounced it nile. (At least that’s how I recall it – it’s been a long time.) I’m also rebuked here:

Niall pronounce Nile is an Anglification of the name and it takes the heritage out of the name

Gevalt. Excuse me.