The choice is quite clear for Ivanka

Attend or clear out for Sri Lanka

If she’s nice to Joe

She might not have to go

Though her choice puts her dad in a funka

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UPDATE: Melania Trump also plans to attend: with a date! “Yes, eetz Johnny Depp. I like bad boys.”

This petition asks that he be given the Medal of Honor.

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Update: UD thanks a reader who points out that the Medal of Honor is reserved for the military. Apparently a Congressional Gold Medal would be more appropriate.

… changed Fuckface’s State Dept page to say that his terms ends today. I love my fellow Americans.

[Sen. Josh] Hawley’s idea of freedom is the freedom to conform to what he and his preferred religious authorities know to be right. Mr. Hawley is not shy about making the point explicit. In a 2017 speech to the American Renewal Project, he declared — paraphrasing the Dutch Reformed theologian and onetime prime minister Abraham Kuyper — “There is not one square inch of all creation over which Jesus Christ is not Lord.” Mr. Kuyper is perhaps best known for his claim that Christianity has sole legitimate authority over all aspects of human life.

“We are called to take that message into every sphere of life that we touch, including the political realm,” Mr. Hawley said. “That is our charge. To take the Lordship of Christ, that message, into the public realm, and to seek the obedience of the nations. Of our nation!”

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Sing it.

Every night I hoped and prayed

My dream lover would come my way

A man to rule in Jesus’ name

To blacken freedom with his holy flame

Cuz I want

The state

That Christ

Will bring

And I found Josh Hawley

To crown our Savior’s earthly king

Someday, I don’t know how

I hope he’ll hear my plea

Someway, I don’t know how

He’ll rule both you and me

Dream lover, until then

I’ll pray to God and dream again

That’s the only thing to do

Til my Rule-by-Jesus dreams come true

Cuz I want (repeat chorus)

[Note: The following notes – crayoned throughout a sheaf of Post-Its discovered by our reporter on the corner of Pennsylvania Avenue and H Street after they were – apparently – discarded by a fleeing White House staff member – chronicle the ex-president’s last days in the Oval Office. Handwriting experts agree it is almost certainly the work of the ex-president himself.]

7 dys to go: They won’t let me have any sharp ojects so hence the crayon. I am tired of masturbating all day also tired of the porn Pence providing! Getting my stash from the world’s biggest born-again prude: great. Only good thing about it: Leaving sperm stains in the Resolute‘s drawers for Biden to find!!!!

6 days to goe: Lara Trump badgering me with interoffice envelopes (Pence allows me no electronic devices = pure vindictedness) full of love notes. She has already secretly divorced Eric and wants us to ‘marry’ in what she calls ‘the bunker’ and then I’d shoot her and then I’d shoot myself and then staffers would cover our bodies with gasoline and set us on fire so no one can abuse our corpses. Or something. Fuck knows where she gets this shit.

5 days to go: Pence turns down my demand to take a victory lap around the country basking in the love of my followers and remembering all the great things I did. He’s still pissed I tried to kill him.

4 days to go: Kim Gillfoil burst in early this AM wearing one of her AMAZING tight red dresses to give me a pep talk. THE-BEST-IS-YET-TO-COME!! yada yada but I could only look at her tits and think about my next jack-off.

3 daze to go: Lin Wood just broke through the Oval Office door with an AK-47! He shot a bunch of people I think. Scared fuck out of me but said he only wanted to ‘touch the hem of your garment’ one last time then S. Service guys rushed in and shot him to pieces. Getting funky!

2 days to go: Pence lets no one in, right? But somehow that fucking niece of mine waltzes right in this morning, tells me to put my pecker away (she’s a lez and DEF. doesn’t like men) and says she’s there on behalf of the family to say goodbye. I tell her to fuck off and she goes away.

1 day to go: Wondered when Melania might show up. It was all about legal stuff – making sure Barron “gets EXACTLY as much as your other children.” Jesus. Yes, woman, yes.

BLASTOFF: Pence insists on praying with me, insists on telling me he forgives me. Three burly guys in white just walked in – taking me “to a great place where great people are going to take care of you!”

“Marriott, Blue Cross, Commercewhatever… No problem. Take all your donations away from us. Credit Suisse has been asked by the heirs of some of their most prominent account holders to transfer all of their money to us. Take that, suckers!”

PGA will Strip Trump Bedminster of 2022 PGA Championship

“[A]ny affiliation is poisonous.”

Although grainy, the image clearly shows a distraught president being comforted by the spirit of George Harrison.

LOL

Missouri’s Senator Josh Hawley, aka Wee Goebbels, has directly inspired a line of clothing that’s taking the country by storm. Everyone wants a SORRY ABOUT JOSH HAWLEY sweatshirt, t-shirt, or hoodie.

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Actually, things haven’t been going well for Hawley and his family. Friends are particularly concerned to keep them from doing something… rash … when The Leader abandons his bunker…

QAnon conspiracy theorists, praying for years that Trump would flush Satan-worshipping pedophile elites out of Washington, tore apart any scrap of data from the [Trump concession] video to prove that he was playing one final trick. They subjected the time stamps to numerology, thinking that there was a secret message encoded.

Because TWITTER JUST BANNED FUCKFACE PERMANENTLY!!!!

I wrote about it here.

Even so, he has gone back to work, writing up articles of impeachment, suffering with members of his family through the violent takeover of the Capitol, and now describing with heartbreaking eloquence and restraint what he went through on January 6.

I’ll tell you what was truly terrifying for me. I was okay. My son, whom we lost a week ago, was very politically engaged, and I felt him with me the whole time, so I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. But my youngest daughter asked me not to go in. I told her I had to because the stakes were so huge, and I invited her to come with me. So she was with me on the Hill Wednesday, as was my son-in-law, who is married to my other daughter. They were at the Capitol for seven harrowing hours and spent at least an hour hiding under a desk in Steny Hoyer’s office with my chief of staff while I was on the floor and this violent, rampaging mob was banging on doors and trying to get in and take over that office the way they took over and trashed Nancy Pelosi’s office. Offices were being stormed and people were being killed. While Donald Trump and his family threw a party to support this violent, seditious mob, my kids were hiding under a desk.

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And on the matter of Fuckface’s removal from office:

We have a president who is egging on violent, armed insurrection against the Congress of the United States in order to block the peaceful transfer of power. This president is either unable or unwilling to faithfully execute the laws and to uphold the Constitution. Therefore he cannot successfully discharge the powers and duties of office for the next 12 days. The public has no confidence, but more importantly here, the Congress, which is charged with making sure we are secure, has no confidence that this president can do it. Those Trump die-hard sycophants still out there will say this is some kind of partisan thing, but there is broad bipartisan consensus now that Donald Trump is a lethal danger to our republic. The only person who gets new power out of this is Vice President Pence, with whom I disagree about pretty much everything. But I do think that he is a sane person and has that basic respect for the Constitution.

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So proud I voted for this man. So proud he represents me.

The guys were carrying flex cuffs, the plastic double restraints often used by police in mass arrest situations. They walked through the Senate chamber with a sense of purpose. They were not dressed in silly costumes but kitted out in full paramilitary regalia: helmets, armor, camo, holsters with sidearms. At least one had a semi-automatic rifle and 11 Molotov cocktails. At least one, unlike nearly every other right-wing rioter photographed that day, wore a mask that obscured his face.

These are the same guys who, when the windows of the Capitol were broken and entry secured, went in first with what I’d call military-ish precision. They moved with purpose, to the offices of major figures like Nancy Pelosi and then to the Senate floor. What was that purpose? It wasn’t to pose for photos. It was to use those flex cuffs on someone.

She’s running!