… for long detailed descriptions in the nation’s press of old men showering with young college athletes, or hanging around saunas masturbating while watching the lads, this is your lucky day.

It’s not Penn State this time, but it’s another one of America’s most spirited and disgusting jockshops – Ohio State.

Ohio State! Type its name in my search engine for an entire afternoon of beyond-sick stories from the land of healthy mind/healthy body university sports.

[H]ead [wrestling] coach Russ Hellickson had to physically drag the voyeurs out of the building on multiple occasions, and reportedly begged the university to move the team to a private facility.

Feast your imagination on a vision of masturbators, their tongues still hanging out of their mouths and their dicks still hanging out of their pants, being dragged outside by the head coach on the campus of Ohio State University!

[Bob]: Hey Betty how bout that physics exam.

[Betty]: What was that? Did you see that?

[Coach Hellickson]: They don’t pay me enough to drag these jagoffs out of the building.

And yeah yeah that nice congressman who used to be a coach there knew nothing of any of this.

… full-on denial mode.

(Sing it with me.)

——————–

If you see me at the football camp
And I cry about an anal cramp
Walk on by, walk on by

I just can’t get over the anal rape
And so if I seem like I’ve been in a scrape
Walk on by, walk on by

*************

UD thanks David.

A university president who doesn’t know the difference between incredible and incredulous.

$95 million in legal payouts (so far) can put a real crimp in your proofreader budget.

Coulda knocked me over with a feather.

*************

Memory lane.

*************

Bad timing.

A Penn State person shares her scandal-wisdom with UVa.

I’m fine with this except for the writer’s suggestion that coaches, of all people, are unequipped to handle criminal investigations.

If university football coaches aren’t equipped to handle criminal investigations, who is?

Doesn’t experience count for anything?

From Andrew Sullivan.

Penn State University’s football program has the distinction of having nurtured – well, lionized – a man whose last name has now become shorthand for horror.

The guy the University of Illinois chose for – among other things – outreach to high school student prospects “was convicted of battery in 2004 and served a year of probation.” It was a drunken brawl, and Matthew Sinclair apparently beat a fellow brawler very severely. More recently – couple of days ago, in fact – a witness watched him stick a gun out of his car window and aim it at another car. “Officers found an unloaded firearm, a loaded magazine with 16 rounds of ammunition and a set of brass knuckles in the vehicle Sinclair was driving.” Brass knuckles! That’ll keep the lads in line!

But if you really want to discipline the young, there’s nothing like pointing weapons at them.

“[A]lthough [Matthew Sinclair’s] gun was uncased and unloaded, ammunition was accessible, and Sinclair didn’t have a concealed carry permit.”

Pish posh. A mere “lapse in judgment,” says UI’s head coach. So the guy likes to beat the shit out of people. So he likes to point guns out of cars. So he doesn’t give a crap about concealed carry laws or ammunition storage. So he’ll probably do jail time and not just probation on this go-’round. So what. Lapse.

If a local judge or jury jails Sinclair, UD has just the replacement for him.

Richie Incognito ain’t doing nothing these days. Sittin’ on his hands filing grievances is all. Richie knows how to do Sinclair’s job real good.

More good news for Penn State.

Nike University’s new facility: The reviews are in!

… with this rather baffling story about a high-ranking athletics adviser kept on staff for years and years although plenty of evidence of his sexual misconduct was apparently out there. Lots of news outlets are picking up the story as we speak, even though so far Paul Gray’s misbehavior doesn’t approach Jerry Sandusky’s. Among other things, “an unnamed UI student told investigators that Gray had exchanged money and football tickets in return for sexual favors from another person who was not affiliated with the university.” He made inappropriate sexual comments pretty routinely; he reportedly on occasion offered to perform oral sex on students.

All bad stuff; but without Penn State in the background, it wouldn’t get as much attention as it’s now getting.

What’s that? What was that you said? Professor? Sandusky a professor?

Ask yourself: What’s the most powerful constituency on a university campus? It’s almost always the professors. When professors get together they are very powerful. Where were Penn State’s professors when… Well, whenever? Why didn’t that totally fucked by football school have at least one Thomas Palaima, one William Dowling, one faculty member who spoke out about how sick the place was? You don’t have to have known anything about Sandusky to know the school was a football whore.

But no. Not only did the Penn State professors – displaying real degeneracy, franchement – just look the other way as their school turned into a cult of personality. Not one of them opened their trap to say… I mean, you don’t even have to write an essay! Just say you’re embarrassed! Just complain to the school paper now and then!

For that matter, where are the professors now? Where’s the formal statement from the faculty about how horrible these events are, etc? Why did it take Louis Freeh to complain about the culture of sport at Penn State? What happened to the headline that should have said

PENN STATE PROFESSOR ATTACKS CULTURE OF SPORT ON CAMPUS

Where did that go? Or – even better:

PENN STATE PROFESSORS ATTACK CULTURE OF SPORT ON CAMPUS

Jerry Sandusky wasn’t a crisis: a football team that had gone 5-7 the season before in 2000 was a crisis. What had happened to a 10-year-old boy wasn’t a tragedy; losing to Toledo at home on national television was a tragedy.

As revelations about Joe Paterno grow, the embarrassment of the Modern Language Association having as its director a person whose academic title is Paterno Family Professor grows.

University football in America is very rich, very corrupt, and to some degree in search of legitimacy. One lesson for universities to be drawn from the Penn State fiasco: Football is already well on its way toward becoming completely independent of whatever university used to house it. Go with that. Crossover stuff like the Paterno thing will bring you to grief.

… guilty.

And:

[T]he university began preparing trustees for the possibility of an indictment against former president Graham B. Spanier.

… if you need a little pick-me-up about university football, complete with excited invocations of ‘shirtless boys,’ read this. Its title is It All Begins With Football, and ain’t it the truth. This one little essay will put all your angst right in the shade and get you pissing your pants all over again for the team.