Scathing Online Schoolmarm reads the sports news.

The University of Kentucky distinguishes itself not merely in football and basketball. The federal Office of Research Integrity has singled out one of its highest-profile professors for a decade of research fraud.

Eric J. Smart, a former UK professor of pediatrics and physiology, pediatrics vice chair of research and the Barnstable-Brown chair in diabetes research … falsified data that was included in at least 10 published papers and numerous reports and applications.

… Among the falsified data … were five grant applications and three progress reports about nonexistent “knockout” mice, which have been genetically engineered to have at least one gene turned off, or “knocked out,” through a targeted mutation.

The ORI found many of Smart’s published findings to be falsified also. In more than 33 instances the office found Smart to be guilty of manipulating “western blots” — an analytic technique that allows scientists to find a specific protein in a sample of tissue — to falsify data in publications and reports in order to complete his research.

Vice chair of research! As with their coaches, UK really knows how to pick ’em.

Smart’s now teaching high school at the wonderfully named Bourbon High; but the county superintendent says Smart has assured her “there is no evidence to base their (the ORI’s) allegations on.” Whew! You wouldn’t want someone who’s been systematically lying about the results of medical research for over ten years teaching your kids.

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By the way, Scathing Online Schoolmarm will point out that the article about Smart in UK’s paper says his research has now been “censored.” I think they mean “censured.”

… that the New Yorker magazine used to have an amusing feature (maybe it still does?) called Block that Metaphor!, in which the editors printed excerpts from writing that featured mixed or excessive metaphors.

SOS considers the problem of excessive and awkward metaphors in a recent piece of writing by a North Carolina state senator denouncing the athletic/academic scandal at Chapel Hill. As always, her comments are set off from the main text. The senator’s writing is bolded.

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The UNC academic fraud scandal is like a pesky staph infection that just won’t go away for university officials — nor should it. As reporters at the Raleigh News and Observer continue to dig, they uncover more and more dirty little secrets. The latest problems swirl around a pus pocket called the Academic Support Program.

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Okay, so first things first: Figurative language is basically a good thing; it’s there to pep up your writing, make it more vivid. But the figures you choose should have some pertinence to the situation about which you’re writing; they should help us envision it, or think about it, more clearly, as in this famous opening paragraph from Orwell’s essay, “Down the Mine”:

Our civilization, pace Chesterton, is founded on coal, more completely than one realizes until one stops to think about it. The machines that keep us alive, and the machines that make machines, are all directly or indirectly dependent upon coal. In the metabolism of the Western world the coal-miner is second in importance only to the man who ploughs the soil. He is a sort of caryatid upon whose shoulders nearly everything that is not grimy is supported.

The caryatid image takes our mind to that paradigmatic location, the Acropolis. Orwell thus has us, from the outset, exactly where he wants us, equating the miners with the foundations of civilization. Thom Goolsby’s pus pocket does have a connection to his subject in that we often talk about corruption in the language of spreading sickness. The “cancer of corruption,” for instance, has become a cliche. But his elaborately evoked, way icky, somehow comical image is simply over the top, especially for an opening paragraph. It suggests an out of control anger about his topic that immediately diverts the reader’s attention from the subject at hand to the mentality of the writer.

Here’s a really extreme example of a bad comparison, from Morrissey:

“We all live in a murderous world, as the events in Norway have shown, with 97 dead. Though that is nothing compared to what happens in McDonald’s and Kentucky Fried [Chicken] every day.”

Of course Goolsby’s isn’t that grotesque, but it has that same feel of absurd incommensurability, an unfitness to the topic under discussion.

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For many years some football and basketball players, known to the University as “Special Admits,” were assisted by the Academic Support Program and allowed to take no-show classes in the Department of African and Afro-American Studies. Billed as lecture classes, the courses were offered by none other than the chairman of the department. The classes never met — leading one to wonder why the courses were scheduled at all.

Mary Willingham, a reading specialist at UNC, worked in the Academic Support Program. She told reporters she met numerous athletes who had never even read a book, nor did they know what a paragraph was. Willingham reported numerous instances of academic fraud, but no administrator wanted to hear from her. Why would they?

These student-athletes (the term “student” is used lightly here) played in the all-important category of revenue-producing sports. Such individuals are precious commodities at any major university because college sports programs bring in billions of dollars every year to the schools that maintain them. The money comes from many different places, including trademarks, endorsements, media revenues, postseason games and big money from alumni donors.

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This is okay, though the final sentence in the first paragraph would have more impact if Goolsby dropped the last part of it (“which leads one to wonder…”). Just end with “met.” It makes the point, and the finality on the monosyllabic word “met,” combined with the white space before the next paragraph, nails the idea of the nothingness of the courses. In the same way, drop Why would they? at the end of the next paragraph. When expressing rage and disgust, you want to be cool, collected — even cold. Hot rhetorical questions dissolve the sharp substantive language you want.

Wordiness in general – saying much more than you need to – is a problem in this essay. Drop the parenthetic the term ‘student’ is used lightly here. It’s much better simply to use the term – without quotation marks – and proceed. Trust the reader to understand the irony you’re bringing to it. And think of the other words better dropped to make this attack lean and mean: The writer uses the ugly, clunky word numerous (just says lots, or tons, or plenty, or many, — trim your syllables when possible) twice. The final paragraph here would be better if you dropped all-important (precious makes the point). Individuals, like numerous, is a multisyllabic, vague, and rather pretentious word. If the writer had combined his first two sentences, he wouldn’t have needed to come up with another word for players. His second sentence should have ended at billions (same principle as in the first sentence of this excerpt). Or, once having dropped that verbiage, the writer could have attached his final sentence to this one:

These student-athletes played revenue-producing sports, making them precious commodities able to bring in billions from trademarks, endorsements, media revenues, postseason games and big alumni donors.

Okay, back to metaphors.

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It’s the gladiators who bring crowds to the arena and it should surprise no one that schools will do whatever it takes to field the best possible team. What is shameful is the continued smokescreen produced by the UNC administration around this scandal. Academic fraud has prompted no less than four investigations at UNC. One is currently being led by former Governor Jim Martin. So far the governing body of college sports, the NCAA, has not sullied its hands in the most recent fraud revelations.

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Should be no fewer than.

You see what I mean by an excess of metaphor and simile? In this short paragraph, gladiators wrestle with smokescreens and dirty hands. It’s not that any particular image is bad; but jamming them together, one after another, has the reader’s mind dashing off in distracting directions.

In the next few paragraphs, SOS will highlight in red language that if dropped would make this a more powerful argument.

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Governor Martin’s investigation should provide clear answers and solutions for dealing with the scandal. So far, administrators are using the former Republican governor’s inquiry as a dodge to avoid any comments. When asked about the problem, Chancellor Holden Thorp refused [say refuses] to talk, stating that everyone was focused on the Governor’s investigation and that’s all he had to say.

Further, university officials repeatedly claim that FERPA does not allow them to discuss developments in the academic fraud case or release records to the public. FERPA is an acronym for the federal “Family Education Rights and Privacy Act.” [Put this information in a parenthesis after your first use of FERPA.] The University claims this law does not allow them [Find a way to avoid repeating these words.] to release records or face the loss of federal funding. A few documents were disclosed, providing strong evidence as to the extent of the scandal.

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Weak or odd metaphor, redundancy, and unnecessary words will now appear again.

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It is past time for a criminal investigation into these fraudulent activities. For far too long, academic scandals have been treated with the soft glove approach. The local district attorney’s office should begin an immediate criminal probe. If the DA does not wish to handle this matter, he should request that the Attorney General appoint a Special Prosecutor to handle this case.

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The word “criminal” appears twice; you can drop into these fraudulent activities and for far too long. Adding the word “approach” to “soft glove” weighs it down. Just write with a soft glove. End on your strongest word – and that’s glove, not approach.

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The reputation of the state’s flagship university is at stake and someone must take this matter seriously. [This is just blahblah at this point in the essay. Drop the whole thing, or risk looking like a blowhard politician.] Any prosecutor worth his salt would turn detectives loose on staff and administrators involved in the fraud and subsequent cover-up. If necessary, the General Assembly could consider legislation to make prosecuting this type of academic fraud easier.

Additionally, the UNC Board of Governors should seriously consider [Drop seriously consider; makes you look weaselly. If you think they should resign, say it forthrightly.] asking for the resignations of current UNC Trustees who failed to safeguard academic integrity. They have shown little willingness to get to the truth of this scandal and cure the infection. When UNC comes to the General Assembly for more funding, university officials should expect that legislators charged with representing the taxpayers will demand answers.

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He does circle back nicely at the end to infection, which gives the piece some coherence.

… loser.

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Swift and excellent statement from the chancellor:

“… [T]he reports of uncivil language and shouted racial epithets appear to be accurate and are universally condemned by the university, student leaders and the vast majority of students who are more representative of our university creed.”

[Dan] Jones said parents are being notified that “one of America’s safest campuses is safe again this morning, though all of us are ashamed of the few students who have negatively affected the reputations of each of us and of our university.”

SOS would only tweak this in the following way: Instead of negatively affected, just say hurt, or harmed, or damaged. Remember Thomas Jefferson:

The most valuable of all talents is that of never using two words when one will do.

… to whom he has just lost that he’s a fucker – and to do it on Military Appreciation Day, when the winning coach’s team is the Air Force Academy. It’s one thing for the video someone shot of the coach losing it to go viral and embarrass the whole university.

It’s quite another for the head of the university’s booster club to reveal a shocking overuse of quotation marks in his email complaining to the University of Wyoming athletics director about all of this.

At this time — the UW Foundation is feeling ‘foolish’ in funding an ‘f-bomb screaming loser’. Sorry to be harsh. But, I am starting to get hammered myself with the UW Foundation Board. I take my responsibility very seriously in helping the UW Foundation Board make “good decisions.” Right now ‘do not’ feel that I have guided a ‘good decision’.

… From the day of the Foundation investment in Dave — the Pokes have gone 1-7???. There is the ‘layman’s view’ that the Pokes were not competitive in the bowl — as Dave seemed to spend more time that weekend focused on his contract than preparing for the Bowl game. And, now 1-6 this season. And, now the YouTube ‘f-bomb’ fest by Coach Dave????

… Guide me … I need to know what to say when my Board members call me and question ‘the investment’ in Dave????? I know we said the ‘obligation’ from the Foundation would likely be only 2 years as Coach Dave ‘vaulted his career’ to a BCS school. But, we know the commitment could be 5-years??!!! And, it is doubtful that any BCS schools are lining up to recruit Coach Dave. At the rate Dave is going — would be nice to know that Coach Dave is ‘committed’ to win with the Cowboys — and, committed to accomplishing something in Wyoming.

Pelted with this quote-hail, Scathing Online Schoolmarm can only avert her face and ask WHY? WHY?

“WHY?”

I mean, what does the act of putting words and phrases in quotation marks do? It either

1. makes it appear that you are quoting someone else’s words; or

2. makes it appear that you are signalling irony or skepticism or sarcasm.

Look over the email and note the quoted words. Are they meant ironically? Noooooo. “Au contraire.” He has “put in quotation marks” precisely those words which are most “heartfelt.”

“”””””””””””””WHY?””””””””””””””””

From the student paper at the University of South Dakota (My comments are in parentheses.):

‘With a 10-3 lead over Western Illinois and a crowd of 10,200, the University of South Dakota football team had it all going for them heading into halftime of the Dakota Days game Oct. 6.

“We need the students to be completely honest with us,” Sayler said. “We want them to tell us what they want to see at football games. If they are leaving because our team loses, or because there isn’t enough interaction, we want to know. Once we have a clear understanding at what is driving students away at halftime, we will being to work towards improving the experience as much as we can.” ‘ [I think the university knows perfectly well why students leave. They’re basically bored. Being drunk, as we know, is an excellent way to tolerate boredom. They’re leaving because they don’t feel drunk anymore, and as result they’re bored.]

The solution seems to UD obvious. You’ve got everything else in place – presents, student heavy music. You’ve almost put them out. But without something like this –

– a personal at-will dispensing mechanism at every seat so they can suck on that teat the minute they start to feel sober – you’re going to lose clients.

From Mozart and Chopin over station loudspeakers to blue mood lighting and safety patrols, railway companies are taking proactive measures to prevent suicides, which wreak havoc on train schedules that run like clockwork.

Asahi Shinbum

She’s not the only one.

(A picture caption in today’s Daily News.)

… if you’re the New York Times editorial page, we expect better of you.

If Pakistan has a future, it is embodied in Malala Yousafzai. Yet the Taliban so feared this 14-year-old girl that they tried to assassinate her. Her supposed offense? Her want of an education and her public advocation for it.

As La Kid (UD‘s daughter, if you’re new to this site) would say, AWKward.

Here’s what you do.

You drop supposed.

You sit down and think about how confused your use of the phrase “want of an education” makes your reader. Do you mean desire for? Do you mean lack of?

You change advocation – which is certainly a word, and it means what you want it to mean, but it’s seldom used – to advocacy.

You think some more about how the way you’ve written the sentence makes it sound as though Malala is advocating for an education that’s wanting.

Local reporting of the police killing of a naked and threatening University of South Alabama student makes ye olde diffuse/defuse error. The officer did not want to diffuse – as in spread, or enlarge – the situation. The officer tried to defuse the situation.

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Scathing Online Schoolmarm doesn’t know what to say.

George Orwell wasn’t referring to the 2012 [Cleveland] Browns when he wrote that progress is “slow and invariably painful.”

Orwell died in 1950. The Browns were good back then.

But the great writer’s words sure do apply to a franchise whose fits have far outnumbered its starts since it returned from NFL exile in 1999.

Watching the Browns’ attempts at improvement have been painful. Painful like gout, if gout also came with the flu, a bad rash and a nasty hangover.

There’s been nothing particularly not painful about it, not the turnstile of failed coaches, not the heap of discarded quarterbacks, not a soccer-crazed owner.

Which gambit? The gamut gambit?

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Update: The writer corrected the error.

Imagine the absurdity of a university with a serious obesity problem that pledges to promote healthier lifestyles on campus by jumping into bed with, say, Burger King. Even if every Whopper advertisement in the country were plastered with the words “Eat a Salad,” the relationship would still be inherently problematic because Burger King’s behavior is motivated not by a vested interest in collective health but by the existential corporate necessity to sell more fast food.

A University of Iowa student lays down some nice prose about his university’s deal with Anheuser-Busch.

Yes, it’s “notoriously disgraceful,” as his dean put it, that a professor at the Merchant Marine Academy made a tasteless joke about the Aurora shooter to his students – especially since he’d been sent an email informing him that one of the students in that class was the son of a man who’d been killed in the incident. The school plans to fire the guy, though this seems to me to be going a bit far.

Also disgraceful, by the way, is what the guy was doing as he made the comment. See how the article starts? See what the professors you and I pay for do in their classrooms?

After turning down the lights in his classroom at the United States Merchant Marine Academy, Prof. Gregory F. Sullivan began showing a documentary and prepared to step out for a moment.

But first, according to an internal personnel document, he paused to make a parting joke: “If someone with orange hair appears in the corner of the room,” he is said to have remarked to his students, “run for the exit.”

That’s right, kiddies. They’re showing movies. We’re paying for them to turn off the lights, turn on a machine, and leave.

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Outside the classroom, Sullivan writes about Japan.

It is especially in the state interventionist measures that Oka finally came to endorse in order to forestall orthogenetically-driven degeneration that the technocratic proclivities of his statist orientation become most apparent.

Scathing Online Schoolmarm calls this writing style Translation from the German.

The wisdom of commenters. This one even knows how to use a semi-colon. UD bows down.

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Speaking of writing, Scathing Online Schoolmarm is relieved to see wordplay starting up on the last name Peppers. It’s taken far too long. Philadelphia Inquirer:

PEEPING AT PEPPERS’ TRANSCRIPT

Alliteration is the obvious first move, though SOS also looks forward to some pun-seepage.

Pepper is of course part of a famous alliterative Mother Goose thingie:

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers;
A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked;
If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,
Where’s the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

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Chapel’s campus posted pickled Peppers’ transcript;
A peek at pickled Peppers’ GPA took place.
It shows how Chapel Hill kept up its pecker
And won the big athletic college race.