Let us all applaud that great good man, University of Oregon football coach Willie Taggart, for having the courage and moral clarity to dismiss a very valuable player from the team. Let us all read this testimonial in the local booster press about this heroic coach, who just said no to Darren Carrington. No, you might be a great player, but there are moral standards here, and we uphold them, dammit.
**********
Let’s not look too closely, though, at precisely how UO football does the morality thing. UD is the last person to want to bring up the fact that they kept Carrington on the team after he
1. broke a visiting UO alum’s arm in an act of unprovoked violence;
2. failed an NCAA-run drug test; and
3. “was cited by Eugene police for having an open container of alcohol while underage.”
No, no, all that was fine. Break an arm or two – no problem. But while using your massive footballer bulk to practically tear the arm off of a student is fine, fucking up a McDonald’s drive-through with your car is apparently the last straw. Students are just students; McDonald’s is not only private property, but a sacred symbol of what’s best about this land. You don’t come back from fucking up a McDonald’s drive-through.
Commentary on the plot of an ongoing work of speculative fiction:
In 2026, … on Earth, people stopped dying or being born, meaning that the future world is populated by eight billion or so adults who have been left to confront the blessings and curses of immortality. To pass all that time, many Americans have turned to football, contorting it in a variety of strange ways to suit their new reality. People play thousands of simultaneous games, most of which take place over many years and cover extreme long distances — say, from Washington State to the Mexican border. In one of the story’s funniest sequences, two teams are stuck against the walls of a narrow canyon, both unable to move the ball but neither willing to stop playing. The great joke of the story, at once darkly comic and hopeful, is that men and women, faced with eternity and all its possibilities, have decided simply to fall back on the familiar comforts of the country’s favorite sport. Like the space probes processing the information sent out from the people back on Earth, they have nothing left to do but, as Pioneer 9 puts it, “perpetually hang out.” And so, everywhere and for all time, it’s football night in America.
… [For] the doomed people of this American future, “Boredom is their only enemy. And they get up in the morning and fight it every day of their eternal lives. Recreation and play sustains them. Football sustains them.” In what might be the most striking chapter so far, called “An answered prayer,” a video pans over the curvature of the Earth while playing audio of the announcer Verne Lundquist calling the famous final sequence of a game between the Universities of Alabama and Auburn in 2013. This glimmer of a moment has been transmitted out into the universe, to float on forever.
*******************
Reminds UD of Nevil Shute’s On the Beach, only there the sports obsession (car racing, not football) was about time rapidly running out — nuclear fallout has destroyed the entire world north of Australia and is rapidly reaching Australia itself. But there’s the same underlying motivation: boredom, anxiety, despair.
Tate High Athletic Director Mitch Ashford won’t face disciplinary action from the Escambia County School District despite being arrested this week on charges of larceny and fraud.
Ashford was arrested Wednesday morning by the Santa Rosa Sheriff’s Office, who executed a warrant on behalf of Escambia County. It was the third time in four years that Ashford has been arrested on various charges related to contracting work.
… “We had our attorneys look at it, it’s a civil matter that is not connected to the students or the school district,” said Escambia County School Superintendent Malcolm Thomas. “From what I can see, it’s a non-disqualifying offense. The only way I can suspend an employee is if the offense is a disqualifier.”
The chair of the board of trustees at Baylor University who wrote a now nationally notorious email calling women students who drink alcohol “perverted little tarts” has done his bit to help Baylor know when to fold ’em. Why bother resisting the zillion sex discrimination lawsuits from women students with which that school is now dealing, when every day another high-ranking sexist asshole on campus gets, er, exposed?
People like good ol’ boy Buddy Jones are making these women’s arguments for them, and ain’t nothin Baylor can do but cough up the cash. Again and again and again. There are many of these lawsuits, and Baylor’s almost certainly going to have to settle every one of them.
Why?
Because the claims in them are jaw-droppingly legitimate. And because even if they’re not, Baylor University can’t afford the optics of going to court.
Oh goody. Here’s an opportunity to see which American university decides to recruit a high school football player who has just been arrested for armed robbery.
Cincinnati, Georgia Southern, Georgia State, Memphis, USF… hm… hm… Who will be the winner?
UD says: MEMPHIS!
But ol’ Buddy ol’ pal — echt Wacoan, echt Baylor trustee, echt pious hypocrite (“[Ken] Starr … chronicled frustration with Jones in a recent book. Starr almost resigned in 2011 after Jones made a crude remark about the Baylor Alumni Association at a Baylor football game…”) — inexplicably restricted himself to calling female Baylor students who drank at a party (none, apparently, were underage) “perverted little tarts.”
Then-Baylor University Regent Neal “Buddy” Jones referred to female students he suspected of drinking alcohol as “perverted little tarts,” “very bad apples,” “insidious and inbred” and “the vilest and most despicable of girls” in 2009 emails to a faculty adviser, according to documents filed in a Title IX lawsuit against the university.
Ten alleged sexual assault victims suing Baylor attached the emails in a Friday legal filing to show a culture “using the alcohol policy as a pretext to shame, silence and threaten to expel a female student.”
Cunt and tart are both monosyllabic, and both end in T, but if you want to be president of the United States, not just a former Baylor trustee and current national laughingstock, you’re going to have to go all the way, like Mr. Trump.
****************
Buddy Jones – Bobby Lowder reincarnate – is Baylor. Know what I mean? You wanna know the deep structure, the god’s own truth, of a university, you take a good look at Buddy Jones, moral scold, sexist pig, and his state’s third-biggest water hog. Just like Ken Starr, he’s a walking talking religious hypocrisy doll; and boy do he sure hate women.
Buddy ain’t too bright when it comes to committing his thoughts to email. I mean, he knows enough to ask his correspondents to keep the emails private, but he doesn’t seem to understand the unlikelihood of this approach to privacy working.
In the 2009 correspondence, Jones also asked Davis to remove his name and comments from the email and wrote that his comments “are meant solely for you,” adding that at least one of the women should face expulsion.
Davis responded to Jones that day, saying the photos chronicling an engagement party did not include minors.
**************
So here comes all that correspondence for all of us to read – onaccounta oodles of never-ending Baylor rape trials and their evidence – and we get a good look at what we already knew: Southern sports factories are typically run by endless layers of assholes. The management structure of these schools is like that dim sum dish, thousand layer cake, only here it’s thousand layer assholes. Art Briles, Ken Starr, Buddy Jones – a whole royal asshole family ran Baylor, and now the place is trying to replace them with less assholery, but we’ve got a tradition here, people.
**************
For earlier posts on the asshole triumvirate, go here.
***************
NEW BAYLOR FIGHT SONG
(sing it with me)
Perverted Little Tarts!
Perverted Little Tarts!
Drunk and slutty through the years
Seducing with their arts!
They tempt our jocks and bring them low
Then claim that they were raped
Lord guide us as we courtward go
And pray that nothing got taped.
Darren Carrington, a [University of Oregon] senior wide receiver, was arrested early Saturday morning on misdemeanor DUI charges. Carrington was arrested at 3:15am after his car collided with a McDonald’s drive-thru …
Carrington [broke] a man’s arm the night before Halloween while dressed as The Joker. He failed a drug test before the 2015 National Championship Game and was suspended the first 6 games of last season. In October 2015 he was cited for an open container. [BUT!!!] Carrington had 43 catches and 5 touchdowns last season.
In other words: The kid stays in the picture.
Well, what else would he hang him from?
According to court paperwork, [East Tennessee State University defensive line coach Jeffrey] Brumett threatened to kill, beat, and hang a hotel clerk “from a noose” because his room key card didn’t work… He’s charged with disorderly conduct, assault, and public intoxication.
Sing it with me!
Third Vanderbilt rape;
Third Vanderbilt Vanderbilt rape;
Third Vanderbilt rape;
Third Vanderbilt Vanderbilt rape;
Third Vanderbilt rape;
Third Vanderbilt Vanderbilt rape
Third Vanderbilt rape
Third Vanderbilt Vanderbilt rape.
***********************
For UD‘s many Vanderbilt rape posts,
go here.
UD thanks Keith.
… coach a bit of a hassle.
Louche Louisville again. Yes.
Now Coach Pitino’s guys argued that the penalty for running a long-established house of prostitution in a special dorm just for its teenage basketball recruits and their fathers should be, like, almost nothing because
… the “monetary value” associated with the strippers was so low — reasoning that Jo Potuto, who previously chaired the NCAA infractions committee and is a constitutional law professor at the University of Nebraska, found “absurd.”
… “To suggest it’s not as significant because there’s no monetary value,” [she] said, “well, I think parents would think paying a kid $1,000 is a whole lot more respectful in the way college athletes should be treated rather than giving them a prostitute.”
Babe.
First, the parents didn’t mind fucking low monetary value whores either.
Second: Tell an eighteen-year-old lad trembling on the brink of the joy of sex that he has a choice between an orgy for him and his dad, with professionals who’ll do anything for them, and a check for a thousand bucks. Other opportunities to make a thousand dollars will present themselves to him; but this precious chance to bond with the old man while balling his brains out may never come again.
***********
UD thanks Wendy for the update.
Chick claimed that our blessed Joe Tumpkin
Was doing some violent humpkin.
This hysterical muff
Tried to mess up our Buffs!
We ignored the embarrassing lumpkin.
****************
UD thanks Keith for the update on this story.
… but as a writer you want to remain calm and control your prose as you discuss the upcoming HBO movie. This prose has too much figurative language all over the place, creating the chaos of mixed metaphors. SOS has helpfully italicized the problem areas:
Make no mistake: there’s plenty of material to be mined for the HBO drama. The firestorm that ensued following the 2011 arrest of Sandusky nearly tore the Penn State community in half and caused a flurry of controversy in all areas of public conversation. Resurrecting these events and examining the tense subject matter through the lens of famed director Barry Levinson and the prowess of Pacino will be mighty fascinating.
This prose literally runs hot and cold, as we venture from a firestorm that neatly cuts a community in half to a snowy flurry. Mining and resurrections are thrown in for good measure, leaving the reader all of a mucksweat (to quote Bella Cohen).
‘CAL IS FUCKED BECAUSE OF ITS STUPID STADIUM DEAL’
The [University of California – Berkeley] stadium debt is so large that funding may have to come out of the school’s non-athletics budget soon. The school’s largest donors donate to both the school and the athletics programs, and any disruption of sports could decrease the overall amount of donations.