While the death penalty is not believed to be in effect here, some think that the [NCAA] penalty [against Penn State] might actually be longer and considered more harmful than the death penalty, and [it has] been labeled as “unprecedented.”
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What could be worse than death itself?
A long arid life in which without football scholarships your university devolves into…
… dear God, into a university.
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Try to imagine the president’s official response:
These are uncharted waters.
Already the Princeton Review is scrutinizing our perennial top placement among party schools.
Some have likened this punishment to having been given life imprisonment instead of death. Who can say which of those two is the more excruciating?
In the short term, the university is doing what it can. We have set up a carnival in the stadium where you can watch a freak show.
But this is no substitute, as we are keenly aware. Some of you may want to visit the student counseling office. Others may want to visit the library and its resources.
Most of you, we trust, will want to hit the bottle. Penn State has lost its competitive football program, but it has not lost its proud array of bars. Go to it.