Longtime readers know that UD uses that term to designate the tendency of the local booster press to respond to violent university football players by focusing not on the scandal of American schools recruiting people who rape and/or beat up their students, but rather on the sainted martyred suffering university football coaches who only meant well when they pulled out all the stops to attract Richie Incognito and others like him to our campuses. Let’s not talk about the gross neglect demonstrated by admitting dangerous people precisely because they’re dangerous (you want to assemble groups of big nasty types for the team – results range from Baylor on down); let’s talk about the poignant disappointment of Father Coach as he watches his wonderful lads go astray…
So there’s a perfect current example of Coacha Inconsolata, written by a University of Oregon hack. Let’s scathe through it, starting with its headline.
Eddie Heard’s Arrest Another
Headache Mark Helfrich Doesn’t Need
Did he give himself the headache? Yes – he and his recruiting guys went after people they knew posed an off-field threat. The important thing now is for everyone in the community – led by the hack – to forget that and to express shock and despair on behalf of the coach who just knew this guy would make an exemplary gentleman scholar… a more than worthy addition to the Oregon campus community…
[Coach] Mark Helfrich might want to buy stock in Advil.
The 2016 Oregon football season has been one headache after another with a bad defense, changing quarterbacks and a five-game losing streak. His job security has been under fire and only let up some with last week’s win and will quickly heat back up if or when USC defeats the Ducks on Saturday.
God knows how he’ll weather a possible humongous buyout from his “a five-year, $17.5 million contract worth an average of $3.5 million per season.” If you have tears, prepare to shed them now...
Now news comes out that linebacker Eddie Heard has been arrested on Wednesday evening on misdemeanor charges of fourth-degree assault and harassment that was a result of an incident at an off-campus bar. Heard was immediately suspended for Oregon’s upcoming game, but more importantly, the incident is just another unwanted issue that Helfrich needs to explain to the media.
… To Helfrich’s credit, however, he seems to be on top of the situation. Chip Kelly didn’t have many weaknesses in his time at Oregon, but dealing with off-the-field problems wasn’t his strong suit. He was often slow to recognize those issues and tended to “get all of the information” before acting. Helfrich suspended Heard the very next day after Heard’s arrest.
This good and great man! Now comes news that one of the bruisers he recruited beat up a student! How much can one person bear? But listen – here’s the good news. Unlike the last coach, with all his bruiser arrests, this one dumps the guy right away.
While everything wasn’t rosy on campus, things were beginning to take a turn and a win over USC on the road might complete that turn with the thoughts of the Ducks might be contenders once again next season.
That still may be the narrative around 8 pm Saturday night. Oregon is a double-digit underdog and an upset would be huge.
Heard’s arrest, however, puts a temporary halt to the good feelings that were just starting to become apparent at Oregon.
This is straight out of the Monty Python restaurant sketch.
Manager: It gets me here. I can’t give you any excuses for it – there are no excuses. I’ve been meaning to spend more time in the restaurant recently, but I haven’t been too well. Things aren’t going very well back there. The poor cook’s son has been put away again, and poor old Mrs Dalrymple who does the washing up can hardly move her poor fingers, and then there’s Gilberto’s war wound – but they’re good people, and they’re kind people, and together we were beginning to get over this dark patch. There was light at the end of the tunnel… now this… now this!!
*************
Hey ladies! Duck!
Details on the latest player assaults… against women.