There are a couple of things you need to know if you’re going to survive a culture where huge numbers of people – some as young as nineteen, a rather volatile age – carry and, at the drop of a hat, shoot, guns.

1. If you are loving parents who worry that your drug-addled, illegal-gun-toting nineteen year old is becoming suicidal, do not call the university he attends and ask for a welfare check. Things could get dicey, and he could pull out his gun and shoot off the head of one of the people checking on him. Then you get to spend the rest of your life and all the money you have trying to keep your pothead kid from graduating to the harder stuff (“An anesthetic such as sodium thiopental or pentobarbital is used to induce unconsciousness, pancuronium bromide [Pavulon] to cause muscle paralysis and respiratory arrest, and potassium chloride to stop the heart.”) In order to avoid this outcome, call the local SWAT team, not the campus cops. SWAT teams are better at approaching babies with berettas.

2. This is directed to university staff: As the Scientologists put it, Go Clear. Shake your head of cobwebs and understand with piercing precision where you are and what’s going on. Situational Awareness is another way of putting this.

Let’s start with where you are. You are in the state of Texas, where people start sucking glock about the same time they start sucking teat. Guns are in the DNA. They are in the bloodstream. Concepts like “minimum age,” “legal,” and “illegal” are quaint nothings. For your own protection, assume that everyone, as soon as they can walk on their own, carries. Under no circumstances assume that the skinny, well-dressed, tow-headed little freshman from a prominent family in Seguin who is standing just to your right while you type up his report does not carry.

Unless you want to die, you will have to adopt a new attitude toward college freshmen at NRA Blue Ribbon schools like Texas Tech. You will have to deal with them as the cold-blooded killers that some of them are. Protecting yourself against the freshman class of Texas Tech University is a matter of life and death. That’s the new reality of legal and illegal, infant, baby, toddler, pre-teen, and teen (“Snap, Crackle, Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop Pop!!”), campus carry.

And a word to Texas Tech professors: …. : ….

Ah, forget it.

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5 Responses to “Thanks, Mom! Thanks, Dad!”

  1. DRC Says:

    From the linked article: “campus carry dorms.” Wow.

  2. charlie Says:

    Where do you start? An underage, illegal gun toting imbecile, kills an LEO, who failed to follow protocol and procedure. Does anyone doubt that mitigating circumstances will be cited by the insurance carrier for not making a payout? The best thing that could happen is that financial culpability is shifted to the above mentioned imbecile’s prominent family, making them not so prominent….

  3. dmf Says:

    we need a new JG Ballard to plot this out for us.

  4. theprofessor Says:

    Well, if you are the affluent, progressive, and gun control advocating mom of the perp, of course you ask for a welfare check. That way, sonny does not have to say, “Do you know who I am?” The police know, and they also know that the little darlin’ better be treated right carefully, not like those bubbas from the wrong side of the tracks. My guess is that some consideration like this explains why the boy was not cuffed and patted down.

    How this excellent example of an entitled, drugged-up young’un violating a number of existing gun control laws explains why we need more gun control laws is not something I exactly follow. Virtually every one of the solved gunshot murders locally over the last decade have been committed by people (mostly ex-felons) who could not legally possess any firearm, with most of the guns used never having been registered anywhere.

  5. charlie Says:

    The question isn’t about gun laws. The real question is why does anyone think a uni campus is an appropriate place to have guns. Campus police responded to a mother’s plea for a check on her kid. That underscores that security was adequate enough that no one needed a gun for their safety. That’s the only reason a weapon is needed, personal safety is compromised. Nothing I’ve read claimed that attending TTU meant that you put your life at risk.

    But if someone did think that their personal safety was at risk attending any college, here’s some advice. Don’t go. If you think you need guns to attend church, kid’s parties, concerts, or strip clubs, don’t go. Get your life in order, and if you can’t, then none of those things are available to you. Allowing college kids to have weapons of any kind on campus is stupid….

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