It is because you are so entitled.


It’s an age-old problem, and it’s hitting, of all places, ‘bama. The smarter your students, the less likely they are to do something as stupid as go to a football game.

So, you know, you make the argument that football deserves all this revenue cuz it’s going to make the school so much better, and in ‘bama’s case it does. It does make the school better. Much smarter students have been enrolling.

However: The fewer your drunken dipshits, the emptier your seats; and ‘bama’s student section is emptying out, man. Big-time.

I believe the pertinent phrase is victim of your own success. Hoist by your own petard.


You know it’s getting really bad when the local press starts trying to educate ‘bama students in how to be fans.

[I]f Alabama fans really wanted to help create a home-field advantage inside Bryant-Denny Stadium on Saturday, then they wouldn’t drink (too much) alcohol before the game.

Most Alabama fans don’t know what it’s like to go four quarters in the heat, but it’s tough work. It’s a process, and that process starts long before game time. Look, it’s going to be dangerously hot on Saturday. Don’t be that fan passing out in the fourth quarter. Be safe. Drink something other than Pappy’s whiskey.

These instructions might be meaningful to the great-grandchildren of tenant farmers; I doubt out-of-state merit scholars looking for low tuition will make much sense of instructions about game attendance that involve fine-tuning your alcoholism so that you can withstand hours of torturous heat.


Tsar Nicky’s anger with his subjects grows with each game. Eventually he will order a random group of non-ticket-holders lined up at the very top of the stadium and shot so as to fall ever so slowly all the way down to his statue. The rest of the students will get the message.

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3 Responses to “I make twelve million dollars a year. You walk by my monument every day. I am your liege. And yet you fail to swear fealty to me.”

  1. dmf Says:

    better students might be part of the equation but more likely the growing number of entertainment alternatives (even on the kids’ phones) is really the killer just as church attendance dropped when other options opened on sundays

  2. charlie Says:

    What Little Nicky failed to mention is that students must pay for those football tickets. Gone are the days when Bama tuition coveted the cost of sports attendance, and all you had to do was flash your ID card to get in. Now, UA’s football payroll is among the highest in the nation, tuition has exploded in order to finance athletic buildouts, but none of that matters to The Crimson Clown. Buy those Bama vs Rajun Cajun ass kicking tickets, or Little Nicky will get mad…

  3. john Says:

    Tip No.3: Students should never leave.

    Why do students leave at halftime? Where do they go, the library?


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