[Note: The following notes – crayoned throughout a sheaf of Post-Its discovered by our reporter on the corner of Pennsylvania Avenue and H Street after they were – apparently – discarded by a fleeing White House staff member – chronicle the ex-president’s last days in the Oval Office. Handwriting experts agree it is almost certainly the work of the ex-president himself.]

7 dys to go: They won’t let me have any sharp ojects so hence the crayon. I am tired of masturbating all day also tired of the porn Pence providing! Getting my stash from the world’s biggest born-again prude: great. Only good thing about it: Leaving sperm stains in the Resolute‘s drawers for Biden to find!!!!

6 days to goe: Lara Trump badgering me with interoffice envelopes (Pence allows me no electronic devices = pure vindictedness) full of love notes. She has already secretly divorced Eric and wants us to ‘marry’ in what she calls ‘the bunker’ and then I’d shoot her and then I’d shoot myself and then staffers would cover our bodies with gasoline and set us on fire so no one can abuse our corpses. Or something. Fuck knows where she gets this shit.

5 days to go: Pence turns down my demand to take a victory lap around the country basking in the love of my followers and remembering all the great things I did. He’s still pissed I tried to kill him.

4 days to go: Kim Gillfoil burst in early this AM wearing one of her AMAZING tight red dresses to give me a pep talk. THE-BEST-IS-YET-TO-COME!! yada yada but I could only look at her tits and think about my next jack-off.

3 daze to go: Lin Wood just broke through the Oval Office door with an AK-47! He shot a bunch of people I think. Scared fuck out of me but said he only wanted to ‘touch the hem of your garment’ one last time then S. Service guys rushed in and shot him to pieces. Getting funky!

2 days to go: Pence lets no one in, right? But somehow that fucking niece of mine waltzes right in this morning, tells me to put my pecker away (she’s a lez and DEF. doesn’t like men) and says she’s there on behalf of the family to say goodbye. I tell her to fuck off and she goes away.

1 day to go: Wondered when Melania might show up. It was all about legal stuff – making sure Barron “gets EXACTLY as much as your other children.” Jesus. Yes, woman, yes.

BLASTOFF: Pence insists on praying with me, insists on telling me he forgives me. Three burly guys in white just walked in – taking me “to a great place where great people are going to take care of you!”