It’s rare that wee UD gets an actual scoop, but she can report here that in the wake of last night’s hookah club bloodbath, and with the memory of campus gun massacres past still fresh, just-retired General McKenzie has agreed to take over command of the Virginia Tech sector.
“The Tech front is particularly challenging,” McKenzie said in his first public statement as incoming commander. “Virginia Beach is also a hot zone, but a decision has been made to position our defensive forces here in Blacksburg at this time. We want students and their parents to be assured that we have established a machine gun perimeter circling the campus, with snipers positioned at vulnerable locations inside Blacksburg itself. Defensive training and equipment will now be standard for all students, faculty, and administrators. I pledge to make the campus and its surroundings a truly hard target. Go Hokies!!“