Montana’s governor has a new commercial out, directed to Colorado-based gun manufacturers, in which he tells them to move their business from Colorado to his state. Colorado is insane, incredible, obscene, demented, and insane for having recently passed some gun control legislation.
“Move back to America!” shouts the guv; move back to Montana, Real America! “I don’t want to brag,” he enthuses, “but the gun suicide rate up in our magnificent hills is the highest in the country; and some of our counties, like Anaconda, have so many suicides everyone knows someone who’s used a gun to blow his head off!”
It’s true.
‘”This is a norm — people die by suicide,” said [child psychiatrist Kelly Irons,] who moved to Anaconda in 2019. “Everyone has someone in their family here who has died by suicide.“‘ ‘“It’s in the culture,” [says another Montanan]. “If you don’t know someone, you know of someone who has died.”
“Come home to America I say! Just look at this suicide rate-by-state map and compare the pathetic washed out peach color of Colorado to the deep bloodred of Montana! We’re Number One, and every blown off head in the state needs a gun, and you sell guns. Get the picture? Get on over here!”
The governor concludes by singing the national anthem.
“The bullets’ red glare! The brains bursting in air!
More lonely drunk men than you’ll find anywhere!”