… SNL noticed.

VOLVO CRASHES INTO WHOLE FOODS IN BETHESDA

Just down the block from ol’ UD. For other DeLillo headlines, some eerily similar to this one, go here.

Long article in the NYT on a subject of steady interest to this blog: University student suicides. The excerpt in my title goes to one of the many conundrums specific to this heartbreaking thing: You want to honor the student, but you’re rightly scared of contagion if you speak too loudly.

… The only thing missing, for the compleat Republican leadership scandal, is three-way sex.

As we contemplate two rather addled oldies vying to run our country, we need to buck up and realize the amazing achievements of the superannuated.

Example: Being 86 – almost 87! – didn’t stop Joe Lewis from racking up “the largest financial penalty for insider trading in a decade.” Securities fraud is typically a younger crook’s game, but Lewis shamed the whippersnappers and despite his age now faces twenty years in jail. Go, Joe!

SO reminds UD of an earlier tinpot dictator, Harvard’s disgraced Marc Hauser:

In 2007, a member of the laboratory wanted to recode an experiment involving rhesus monkey behavior, due to “inconsistencies” in the coding.

“I am getting a bit pissed here. There were no inconsistencies!” Hauser responded, explaining how an analysis was done.

Later that day, the person resigned from the lab. “It has been increasingly clear for a long time now that my interests have been diverging sharply from what the lab does, and it seems like an increasingly inappropriate and uncomfortable place for me,” the person wrote.

And that is for a really interesting reason: The vast majority of Wyomingites appear to be, looked at closely, pro-suicide.

I mean, think about it. You don’t get Wyoming’s astounding number of suicides year after year unless you’re practically advocating for it.

Here’s a local commentator:

Like most good ol’ boys, [Wyoming St. Sen.] Kolb hemmed and hawed and found an excuse to do nothing, even while kids in his community kill themselves… [Kolb says:] “As soon as we start dragging [suicide] down the emotional road, we’ve lost… ”

Kolb’s attitude about suicide — that we shouldn’t get emotional about it, that we don’t really need to take action — reflects the cold-hearted stubbornness that has kept Wyoming from dealing with [the state’s suicide] crisis in any real way… [A]s long as people running the state maintain the same harmful and lazy attitude that caused our state to become the worst in the nation for suicide in the first place, we won’t see anywhere near the progress we need against this issue that tears so many of Wyoming’s families and communities apart.

Don’t get all boohoo. Don’t take action. Guns are there to kill people, including yourself if you feel like it.

Cowboy nihilism is super-chic. The macho charisma of killing yourself with Marlboros, Wyoming Whiskey, and a Kahr CM9 Polymer 9mm.

The state’s most popular book.

Second highest rate of car crashes in America, even though no one lives there. Most guns per capita in the nation. One psychiatrist every whatever … every five thousand miles…

Sing it.

Four million dollars, Laurie Glimcher

Plus corporate boards O greedy Glimcher

Rich and important, research dimmer,

No time at all for thoughts to simmer

Shine little fraud-worm, glimmer glimmer

While Harvard’s rep gets dimmer, dimmer

Look out!  The software’s gotcha, folks.

It’s coming for your hoax.

********************************

[T]hese didn’t appear in a bunch of open-access journals that are run out of someone’s van in Samarkand  – no, these are scattered across Science, Nature, Cell, and other marquee sites. And I can’t overemphasize just how many examples there are – [the whistle blowing] post just goes on and on, with cut-and-paste jobs in blots, graphs, photomicrographs, you name it.

… arrival at the surrealistic Sujan desert camp – the high point of the India trip for UD.

For a dark sky type like UD, the nights were … indescribable.

UD‘s buddy Peter Galbraith strolls in a Mughal garden. Peter lived in India as a young boy, when his father was the American ambassador.

Palace musicians.

Sarah Peck tells a cow to smile for my camera.

Birds, breakfast, fort.

For more than four years, Leonid Schneider and many other scientists have been screaming about the seemingly rampant fraud in bigshot Temple University brain researcher Domenico Pratico’s taxpayer funded published work.

Finally, this ancient story has hit the big time, and we’re getting from Pratico exactly what we’d expect: All 35 or so apparently fraudulent studies are the work of one evil anonymous grad student.

********************

Here’s the special current dilemma facing research fraudsters.

Their motives remain the same they’ve always been:

 [T]he cutthroat pressures of academic publishing can tempt a person to cut corners. “When the results look better, you’ll have a better chance of getting the next grant or the next scientific award,” [Elisabeth Bik] said. “I think that’s a slippery slope that as a scientist, you need to be careful [about].”

BUT:  “[B]etter detection of misconduct and error thanks to technology and a growing army of sleuths” is outing bad actors a mile a minute.

**********************

What’s a cheater to do? The monetary/career incentives are now gargantuan, babe, so you’re not gonna want to stop duplicating images and shit like that. But unless you find some technological upgrade for your MO, you’re heading into a world of pain.

The only answer, far as UD can tell, is consultants. Go to Oracle, or some amazing enterprise like that, and find the world’s specialists in the emergent field of DDD (Deceptive Data Defense), geniuses who can anticipate what the sleuth army’s going to be focusing upon, and, with that knowledge, distort fraudulent results in undetectable ways.

HAMM (exasperated):
Have you not finished? Will you never finish?
(With sudden fury.)
Will this never finish?
(Nagg disappears into his bin, closes the lid behind
him. Nell does not move. Frenziedly.)
My kingdom for a nightman!
(He whistles. Enter Clov.)
Clear away this muck! Chuck it in the sea!
(Clov goes to bins, halts.)
NELL:
So white.
HAMM:
What? What’s she blathering about?
(Clov stoops, takes Nell’s hand, feels her pulse.)
NELL (to Clov):
Desert!
(Clov lets go her hand, pushes her back in the bin,
closes the lid.)
CLOV (returning to his place beside the chair):
She has no pulse.
HAMM:
What was she drivelling about?
CLOV:
She told me to go away, into the desert.
HAMM:
Damn busybody! Is that all?
CLOV:
No.
HAMM:
What else?
CLOV:
I didn’t understand.
HAMM:
Have you bottled her?
CLOV:
Yes.
HAMM:
Are they both bottled?
CLOV:
Yes.

Yeah, yeah, lotsa shit in there and we’re retracting up the wazoo but just as Pres Gay didn’t plagiarize, none of the Harvard scientists who had to retract all those articles committed research fraud. Don’t you worry your pretty little head! Harvard remains an unassailable and unassailed bastion of research integrity cuz the Harvard people didn’t mean to do whatever happened, and cuz some of the naughty bits came out of non-Harvard labs, and years of investigation of these nasty claims coming from some nobody, some GOTCHA, blogger, are obviously warranted before we can draw any conclusions at all about this odd event. You just sit tight and shut up and let us handle it.

******************

“Everybody — the author, the journal, the institution, everybody — is incentivized to minimize the importance of these things.”

… Haile Selassie.’

Clap, clap.

Could have used one of her smaller handguns.