Longtime readers know that UD often wonders what it’s like for foreigners – even those who speak and read very good English – to come across certain obscure bits of our language. This headline, for instance…

Get ready to hear a lot about Premature Tackle Syndrome (PTS), where a just-signed football recruit starts beating up women after signing his letter of intent, but before enrolling.

[Dantne] Demery’s next stop [player-arrest-ridden University of Georgia has dropped him after his arrest for pummeling his girlfriend], assuming he takes one, might not be another SEC school: The conference passed a rule last year prohibiting any school from accepting a transfer with a history of sexual or domestic violence.

However, it’s not clear if that rule applies to Demery, who had signed a letter-of-intent but had not enrolled at Georgia. A request for clarification has been sent to the conference office for comment.

Herein lies the tragedy of PTS. If you can just wait a few days after the letter of intent – if you can just hold on until you’re enrolled – you can maybe do all the woman-beating you want.

For most of us, that doesn’t sound like too tall an order: Just wait say 48 hours until your next woman-beating. But for those with PTS those 48 hours loom like an unscalable mountain. PTS sufferers simply must knock the shit out of their girlfriend, and they don’t do things by the clock. Let’s hope the SEC understands this.

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“People are angry with me,” [said his girlfriend, who went to the police,] but … she didn’t understand why.

“Is it OK for him to hit females?” she said.

Answer #1: You bet your ass they’re angry. He was a hell of a player, hotly recruited.

Answer #2: Absolutely, if and only if he can also hit quarterbacks.

PS: Raping’s okay too.

A perennial jockshop joke on this blog, CMU is shutting down the academic apparatus of the school to put on football games no one attends. Faculty is too expensive there, which creates a drag on the school’s sports subsidy.

Explaining this to professors and students in an open forum is certainly a challenge, but UD finds CMU’s approach to it impressive and instructive (pay attention, Rutgers).

1. Provide a safe house for the president [“CMU President George Ross was not in attendance.”]. A popular variant of this is to have the president attend, but be sure she has just been appointed the most recent of twelve or so interim presidents in the last three or four years. This allows the president to be there, but to explain in answer to all questions that she doesn’t know anything.

2. In their answer to all questions, administrators in charge of the public meeting must never use the phrase “student education,” and instead always use the phrase “student experience.” The adjectives holistic, organic, comprehensive, all-around, full, multifaceted, diverse and community may precede the phrase.

3. Constant references to the infinite delicate complexity of the budget are a must; the audience must be made to understand that a vanished faculty and behemoth empty stadiums and a president who presides over this outcome always getting raises are all, according to the math, budget imperatives that keep the university in glowing health.

How to spot research fraud.

An envelope containing a bundle of bills amounting to 200 million won ($177,000) was found in a student locker at Sungkyunkwan University campus in Suwon, Gyeonggi.

The owner happens to be a professor of Sungkyunkwan University and husband to attorney, Choi Yu-jeong, who was arrested last year for her involvement in corruption.

The life science student association at the Sungkyunkwan University Natural Sciences campus in Suwon was undergoing spring cleaning on March 7 when they discovered a locked locker. Unable to identify the owner, they forced open the locker.

Inside they found a yellow envelope containing 1,800 50,000 won bills and 1,000 100 dollar bills. The student association immediately notified the school and reported this to the police.

… The attorney, Choi, was charged for having received 5 billion won each in legal fees from Jung Woon-ho, former Nature Republic CEO, and from another individual named Song for bribing the judiciary. Choi was sentenced to six years in prison and 4.5 billion won was confiscated, leaving the possibility of future discoveries.

As always, camera-work played an important part.

“Men need to feel comfortable, to say, ‘Yes, I am proud to marry a woman who is not mutilated,'” she says.

Daniel Tosh is a comedian revered because he’ll say anything for a laugh. What he said during his show at the KFC Yum! Center Wednesday night was exactly what you’d expect a world-class wise guy to say.

Wearing a University of Louisville basketball jersey on stage, Tosh thanked everybody for their hospitality – especially the hookers waiting backstage.

A local wit sets the scene at revered University of Louisville, where the athletics department turned a jock dormitory into a jock whormitory for the greater comfort of recruits and their fathers. (Family values, U of Smell style.).

… is the mantra of many an academic scammer, as in the case of Ireland’s Fergus Heffernan, a floridly compulsive liar with a thriving business as a lecturer on mental health.

Like a lot of degree frauds, Fergus seems to have decided somewhere way back that having issued himself a PhD, he might as well manufacture an array of further achievements.

[H]is doctoral qualification in psychology is fake …

[An] investigation also revealed he had falsely claimed to be a visiting professor at a number of top international universities, and that his claim to have served with the Irish Defence Forces in Lebanon in 1976 was untrue — as there was no conflict in Lebanon until 1978.

In response to these discrepancies, he said he used the wrong terminology and that he was a “visiting lecturer”.

He also claimed that he was in fact in Lebanon in 1978.

… [He] claimed to be a visiting professor at Trinity College Dublin, Boston University, and Columbia University in New York.

All three institutions have ­confirmed they have no record of any employment or affiliation with Mr Heffernan.

There is always a required and bittersweet rhetoric of death in moments like these, especially when it involves a once-star athlete dying young.

The time you won the champions’ game
Gainesville sang and cheered your name
Prof and prez let out a cry
And home they brought you shoulder-high.

That school so hard recruited you!
Yet now it’s silent. (Aaron who?)
Hero of a college town
Now a god without a crown.

Smart lad, who slips away
From fields where glory does not stay;
Or fields that never glory knew —
For all who saw the truth of you.

Eyes the shady night has shut
Cannot see the record cut,
And silence sounds no worse than jeers
After earth has stopped the ears.

Now round that early-laurelled head
Gather fans who sometime said
He’s made us proud to be UF!
… Why don’t we feel too much bereft?

Things have gotten so twisted that no one asks why a violent sociopath was not only admitted to a respectable American university, but aggressively recruited.

Why are so many universities, like the University of Florida, criminally negligent (hello, Baylor) in welcoming to their campus community people who stand a reasonable chance of hurting members of that community (and environs) very badly?

Why – as if it weren’t bad enough – do these universities actually indoctrinate these admitted students in ever more heightened aggression (see, for instance, the EAT YOUR ENEMIES sign at the luxurious new cafeteria for University of Oregon athletes)?

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I mean, duh. You want the biggest and nastiest and most hopped-up fucking assholes out there for your football team.

So what’s all of this doing at a university?

The University of Florida’s finest.

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He has been linked by prosecutors and a civil lawsuit to a series of assaults, shootings, and, ultimately, three killings.

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If some poor sap spilled a drink on him or challenged him in any way, that person was likely to stop at a red light, have an SUV pull alongside and see flashes from the barrel of a .38-caliber handgun.

If you want to feel sorry for anyone, feel it for Daniel de Abreu and Safiro Furtado. Hernandez was acquitted last week of murdering them, but that was more a case of crafty lawyering than justice being served.

Feel sorry for Odin Loyd. Hernandez didn’t just shoot him. He executed him in a deserted industrial park.

Take a bow, Urban. “Meyer didn’t care, as long as the team was successful.” But of course it takes a village, not just one coach who let a violent troubled young man keep being violent and troubled because he played good football. It took the University of Florida fans, the University of Florida admissions committee, the University of Florida leadership…

Urban thinks that because he sprinkled God-dust on Hernandez and paid for his babysitters, he was one of the good guys.

Hernandez joins Lawrence Phillips as one of the pantheon of university sports heroes dead in jail by their own hand.

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UD thanks David.

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We’re going to be getting a lot of this shit in the next few days. It’s not that we exploited – nay, encouraged – this wreck because we wanted to watch him play ball…

If you must read it, try not to vomit.

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Gotta love the headline.

HERNANDEZ SUICIDE MARS NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS’ WHITE HOUSE VISIT

The Butcher of Livonia goes to jail. No bond. Good.

Since she’s a product of one of this nation’s best medical schools – Johns Hopkins – and because the name Johns Hopkins is about to be dragged in the mud big time, I’m thinking a statement dissociating themselves from this woman would be a good idea.

An even better idea would be revoking her degree. If degree revocation means anything, doesn’t it mean this?

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Zero tolerance will also include some of the following:

The parents could face charges of child neglect, child abuse, and transporting their children across state lines for the purpose of criminal sexual activity. Since they transported the children across state lines, the charges are federal and have combined penalties that could lead to sentences of over ten years in federal prison. Even if the parents aren’t charged with crimes, their children could be permanently removed from their custody. Additionally, depending on their immigration status, they could also be deported from the United States. Federal law allows for the deportation of immigrants if they break the law, explicitly mentioned in the statute is “aggravated felony.”

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[One of the victims’] father told a child protection investigator that “if they knew what would come of it, this would never have happened,” the petition stated.

All we wanted to do was sentence our seven year old girl to a life of humiliation, shame, pain, anguish, and sexual mutilation; had we known we could get picked up for it, we’d for sure not have done it.

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It’s all the more shocking that a female doctor would engage in such practices. As an American female physician myself and as a human rights defender, I demand that, if guilty, the doctor be prosecuted to the fullest extent with the harshest punishments, though a federal imprisonment of five years (the current maximum sentence) seems paltry in comparison to the crime.

Without question, if found guilty the doctor in question must be stripped of her license to practice medicine permanently and be rendered a felon. Her alleged longstanding deception of parents (who claim they did not know, some reports suggest) and of the local medical community should also influence the severity of her punishment.

… These girls can never be made whole again. At age 7, years away from their own sexual knowledge, denied an intact clitoris, they will never experience sexual gratification as consenting women. Yes, they may be able to have babies, but their pregnancies, labor, and deliveries will be high-risk because of the profound anatomic destruction to the birth canal. And this is not even accounting for the incredible psychological injury they will come to experience.

When it’s not about much except football, you’re going to choose some of your professors from among professional sports agents.

There was Professor Carl Carey Jr.; and, if they’d only played their cards right, these other guys might also have shaped the young minds of that state. For who better to teach UNC’s student athletes than the agents who will be representing them when they go pro?

The only mistake these other guys made was … Well, you don’t just hand them the money right there and then, dummy!

First you gain their friendship and respect by interacting with them in the classroom; later you bribe them to make you their agent. Dummy!

Arrest season comes early this year for the SEC, and a local writer in Alabam assures us there’s nothing to see here.

When you have a group of 100-plus young men between ages 18 and 22, the law of averages dictates that a handful of them are going to get into trouble of one fashion or another.

As I wrote nearly three years ago, this sort of thing goes on everywhere and has for decades. Your least favorite team isn’t “recruiting thugs” or cutting corners on character any more than your favorite team is or ever has.

And anyway, I wouldn’t enjoy too much schadenfreude at the expense of your rival team if I was you. As history has shown us, your time is probably coming.

RELAX. Twas ever thus; it’s universal; and it’s completely 100% natural. These guys are just like all the other guys hardwired for violence. Richie Incognitos are not made; they’re just random young men statistically likely to get into trouble.

Why, UD wonders, do people like this dude bother writing articles about a perfectly natural phenomenon? He knows it will happen every year, and he admits it’s entirely unremarkable. So what is the point of covering each crime?

Or if you insist on covering something that’s not newsworthy but simply normal, why not cover it honestly? Why not admit that what’s abnormal here is a system of universities and their administrators turning themselves inside out to recruit not normatively trouble-making young men, but carefully nurtured steroidal grotesques like college star Richie Incognito? Let the university-cultivated and university-venerated Incognito stand for the legions of highly evolved human battering rams that dominate life at many of this country’s universities.

Remember what the Alabama guy forgot: The whole sick feed ’em and need ’em system set up by universities, of all places.

There’s your story: The angry pummeling gods of the American university campus, and the students, faculty, and leadership that love them.