Okay, so it’s unnamed so far, so… uh… so… (thinking quick here!)… So here’s the description of U6:

University 6 is described as a public research university in Kentucky with an enrollment of 22,640. The University of Louisville is Kentucky’s only school that matches that description.

Here’s our play, guys. Listen up.

You’re getting hundreds of millions from Adidas in a sponsorship deal… In fact, you are

the highest-earning school in Adidas’ college portfolio.

Adidas sure don’t give a shit about that whole whormitory thing! Anyway.

Now, assuming the deal still goes through even though the FBI just arrested their head of global sports marketing, you take that money and with it you establish an entirely new public research university in Kentucky whose enrollment happens to be 22,640. This is an online university, of course… It’s all on paper… You recruit students (the names of students; no actual classes will ever be offered) the way many other online universities do… Hanging out at homeless shelters and offering bribes…

So anyway – this way you protect the U of L…

UD wondered why the U of Smell wasn’t one of the four schools charged by the US government in the current bribery scandal. But hold onto your basketball players’ university-provided whorehouse!

[In the case of the so-far-unnamed] “University 6” … the indictment accuses four people… of funneling approximately $100,000 to an All-America high school basketball player in order to secure that player’s commitment to the school. The player was then to sign with adidas upon entering a professional basketball league.

CBS Sports college basketball reporter Gary Parrish believes that player is Class of 2017 Louisville commit Brian Bowen.

According to a report by Louisville-based TV network WDRB, the money was wired to third-party consultants who then made cash payments to the player’s family in order to conceal the transaction from university officials.

Louisville gets extra points for having allegedly transacted this business even though it was already under probation for running a whorehouse.

Louisville received its punishment from the NCAA 6/11. A bball assistant was in a hotel room in Vegas w/Adidas conspiring to cheat on 7/27.

UL does not miss a beat. More details:

The indictments also indicate that Bowen was not the only player recruited by Louisville in this manner. WDRB.com reported that the FBI recorded a meeting in Las Vegas involving a Louisville coach recruiting a high school player in the Class of 2019.

In the meeting, one of the participants noted that the school was already on probation with the NCAA and would have to be “particularly careful” about how the money was passed to the high school player and his family. The coach agreed, saying, “we gotta be very low key,” according to the indictments.

UD keeps thinking this school can’t go any lower. Then it goes lower.

… coach a bit of a hassle.

Louche Louisville again. Yes.

Now Coach Pitino’s guys argued that the penalty for running a long-established house of prostitution in a special dorm just for its teenage basketball recruits and their fathers should be, like, almost nothing because

… the “monetary value” associated with the strippers was so low — reasoning that Jo Potuto, who previously chaired the NCAA infractions committee and is a constitutional law professor at the University of Nebraska, found “absurd.”

… “To suggest it’s not as significant because there’s no monetary value,” [she] said, “well, I think parents would think paying a kid $1,000 is a whole lot more respectful in the way college athletes should be treated rather than giving them a prostitute.”

Babe.

First, the parents didn’t mind fucking low monetary value whores either.

Second: Tell an eighteen-year-old lad trembling on the brink of the joy of sex that he has a choice between an orgy for him and his dad, with professionals who’ll do anything for them, and a check for a thousand bucks. Other opportunities to make a thousand dollars will present themselves to him; but this precious chance to bond with the old man while balling his brains out may never come again.

***********

UD thanks Wendy for the update.

Daniel Tosh is a comedian revered because he’ll say anything for a laugh. What he said during his show at the KFC Yum! Center Wednesday night was exactly what you’d expect a world-class wise guy to say.

Wearing a University of Louisville basketball jersey on stage, Tosh thanked everybody for their hospitality – especially the hookers waiting backstage.

A local wit sets the scene at revered University of Louisville, where the athletics department turned a jock dormitory into a jock whormitory for the greater comfort of recruits and their fathers. (Family values, U of Smell style.).

You know this. I mean, yes, a few campuses, like the University of Louisville, outsource to local professionals; but it’s more common for campuses to establish so-called hostess programs, in which twenty year old female students… entertain… eighteen-year-old recruits. Taking one for the team.

Now Deadspin is sending a shout-out to all university hostesses, asking them to get in touch because, you know, Baylor and all. (Says here “Baylor coaches encouraged members of Baylor’s hostess group to engage in sexual acts with players and recruits.”) Should be interesting.

… news that UM’s football team is boycotting the rest of its season (the little that’s left) unless ten suspended players are unsuspended, and unless it gets an apology from the school’s president for having suspended the players in the first place, ol’ UD‘s been pondering this one.

This is a new one on her. A university football team, en masse, refuses to play or practice, goes on strike, puts a jock school’s big-money super-ticket on ice. All at once a hundred and twenty glutes hamstrings and quadriceps enter the inactive list.

*****************

The announcement made for a spectacular visual. With trembling hands a wide receiver read from a sheet of paper, while behind him loomed suited-up troops.

The next day the university’s president issued a vaguely conciliatory statement, and today (Saturday) he has issued another, less conciliatory, statement. Here’s what he’s trying to convey to the lads.

Even though the courts decided there was insufficient evidence to go after a bunch of players who seem to have been involved in a gang sexual assault against a student, the university can do its own punitive thing. The team’s thing is that the guys are unjustly condemned since the courts turned down the case; the school’s thing is fuck that this place has had a shitload of sex problems from players as well as coaches in the last couple of years and we can’t afford to look as though we’re doing nothing.

I mean the school doesn’t say that; it doesn’t say that a random half-attentive blogger like UD can scroll through her University of Minnesota posts and be astounded by the number of sex scandals its sports teams have generated lately, but c’est entendu. It’s like Baylor or Penn State – do you really think this nation’s galloping-fucktard campuses are going to let the next run of rapes slide? We’ve got a critical mass problem here. We’ve got a money problem here. You know how much clean-up costs? The latest estimate for rapeabilly rapscallion Baylor is $223 million. (UD thanks JND for the link.)

*******************

So. A few more comments on this story if I may.

The team’s gotta be counting on a groundswell of support from students, alumni, the local community. They might not want to hold their breath. Fuck Fatigue has set in, UD suspects, as well as General Gross-out. Whatever else you want to say about the incredibly detailed university report on the events of that night, it for sure makes for nauseating reading. It even features a high school student, a person the team’s trying to recruit. One of his possibly future teammates is quoted saying “it was good the recruit was having sex because that might make him more likely to come to the university.”

Shades of the University of Louisville, our first official house-of-prostitution university.

Another reason we probably shouldn’t expect much support: There isn’t even that much interest in the game. After having built an insanely expensive new stadium because that would bring in huge numbers of fans, UM has watched the stadium steadily empty of spectators even as UM has got a huge debt to pay back on the place.

Datz right – tanking football game attendance is a national trend. But add to that the peculiarly off-putting business of rooting for a sorta scummy team and you’re talking rows of dead bleachers.

So the team isn’t playing and the students aren’t watching – a quintessentially postmodern moment here, no? Simulacrum City. Animatronic fans and billion-dollar gifts from trustee venture capitalists are going to have to keep the show going.

*****************

UPDATE: That was quick. Boycott over.

UD‘s gotta figure that the guys had a chance to read the university’s report on the incident. I ain’t kidding when I say it’s stomach-churning. Maybe you don’t want to put yourself on the line for the people featured in the report.

UD admires the team’s solidarity in defense of their teammates. But anyone making their way through the eighty sickening pages describing what these guys actually seem to have done will conclude they’re not worth fighting for.

*****************

It’s all over but the satires.

If it bleeds, it leads, and if it’s Harvard it leads too. If the Harvard men’s soccer team has been keeping fuckability “scouting reports” on members of the women’s team, the eyes of the nation must as one swivel to Cambridge, and everyone must feign astonishment that a country whose incoming president compulsively grabs pussy also contains high-SAT men who consider women animated vaggies.

Ecoute. I cover SEC players. I really can’t get it up for the Harvard story.

The NCAA doesn’t like what the U of Smell has been up to. It’s one thing to run a morally prostituted organization, and a whole other thing to run an actual house of prostitution.

As long as President-for-Life Rick Pitino‘s University of Louisville maintained whore-parity with the NCAA by way of greed, cheating, and hypocrisy, things were copacetic; but Louisville went too far when the university extended the logic of sports recruitment to the establishment of a dorm-centered sex biz dedicated to the pleasuring of seventeen year old prospects and their fathers.

Pitino’s wittle interim campus mouthpiece has denounced the monstrous NCAA charges against The Dear Leader and pledges the full resources of the university in defense of their sovereign.

Your father keeps a brothel. Your best buddy lost his job because he drinks too much and tells random women to let him go down on them. The terrible team you coach keeps losing players due to sex crimes. If you’re Minnesota’s Richard Pitino, you’re going to want desperately to get the hell off campus – pronto – at the drop of a hat. And that’s what your fleet of private planes, paid for by the good people of that state, is for. (They also recently paid for the football stadium. They are very very good.) That’s why you’re always flying away.

Gophers men’s basketball coach Richard Pitino has spent twice as much on private jet travel as his contract allows since arriving at Minnesota — doubling his budget in his first season, and tripling it his second season… Pitino spent $116,041 on private jet usage in fiscal year 2014 (spanning June 2013 to June 2014) and $156,440 for fiscal 2015. … [As] of February, Pitino had already spent $53,388 on private jet usage for fiscal year 2016. During [a] three-year period, Pitino also took two private jet flights that were “unallowable” because they were less than 200 miles from campus.

Less than 200 miles? Whatever. Gotta get it up.

*********************

Best headline so far:

Report: Richard Pitino Overspent Private Jet Allowance With Permission Of Sexually Harassing Ex-AD

Big-time university sports: You stay classy.

That’s the beauty of it. The regents would never know. That’s the beauty of it.

Rick Pitino’s raise this year will be in the millions.

*************

And turning your athletics dormitories into whorehouses for recruits, players, and the fathers of players, will, uh, continue to be viable:

If missing the tournament this year is the only penalty, more schools will take the chance.

The highest profile, highest paid representative of the University of Louisville, the front man of that university’s front porch, the keeper of the keys to the UL whormitory, has now entered the moment in his long day’s journey when he wanders onstage and, like morphine-addled Mary Tyrone, speaks his delirium. It’s curtain-speech time for Rick Pitino.

As locker rooms full of guilty and embarrassed journalists look on, Pitino floats into – as the Chicago Trib puts it – “an alternate reality,” in which he confesses that he has had it with a world intent on sullying his purity. He has brought to university sports the same saintly ways of Joe Paterno, and, like Paterno, has been done in by Assistant Coach Iago Hitler.

************

Bides there a university somewhere in this tumult? No. So editorials of this sort, which reference things like presidents and trustees, are a waste of time. The University of Louisville is an empty stage on which its coach struts his last.

LOUISVILLE U

folks you’ve heard of scandalous schools
history is full of scandalous schools
but you ain’t heard nothing til
you’ve heard about louisville

it’s a place that’s crawling with thieves
has a board that trustees try to leave
till you’ve seen dorm rooms rockin’ with whores
you ain’t even darkened their doors

they call the campus louisville u
what a fucked up campus can do!
it’s the lowest graduatingest, med school on probationest
school the world ever knew

the ed school dean’s in the pen
med’care fraud hits again
pitino petrino mcgee
sexy sexy whooooeeeeee!

they keep their audits on the down low
about their bank accounts nobody knows
secret foundations funnel the cash
the u of lou has made itself absolute hash

lots of low-lifes among their teams’ lads
and even the president’s paid to be bad
so here’s my warning to you
keep away from louisville u

Rick Pitino’s recruitment practices: A gift that keeps on giving.

Jalen Rose, on an ESPN podcast, said that such “bachelorette parties” are vital to the recruiting process. “As a 17-year-old, if I’m not getting (serviced), I’m not coming,” he said, pointing out that he visited UNLV, Syracuse and Michigan and “you know where I went (Michigan).”