“Jimbo Fisher says Karlos Williams will play Thursday. Which would be unbelievable for any other school in the country except FSU.”

Florida State. The University of North Carolina Chapel Hill. Penn State. Certain schools stand out from the crowd.

One Two Three Four Five Six Seven…

… Where’s the team when it’s Nine Ten Eleven?
How do we get on the comeback trail?
Who plays ball when they’re all in jail?

Ya gotta envy their coach, though. He’s the functional equivalent of the laptop lecturer (see post just below). Both are getting paid to work with groups that aren’t there.

UD thanks Veblen.

Rape-Friendly Alcorn State…

is at it again.

Must be really weird being a cheerleader there.

“They stress the benefits of joining, and brag about attracting the prettiest, smartest or most athletic.”

Keep that third one in mind: most athletic. Read this article about sororities and add to an undergraduate woman’s non-academic time commitments participation in one or more university teams. Get the picture?

“DE-fense! DE-fense!”

These dedicated men and women worked tirelessly in the courtroom and together formed an ironclad defense that will be remembered for generations to come. Just as importantly, throughout their time here, they remained equally committed to the ideals and core values of Penn State.

Honoring Penn State’s finest.


UD thanks Wendy.

“Some of [UNC's fake] classes were listed on course schedules as lecture classes with classrooms assigned, but they never actually met. Didn’t anyone wonder why those classrooms were empty?”

So here’s where the ethos of the serious university hits up against a perfectly reasonable question from a person outside the university.

The greatest damage UNC’s corruption has done is not to its students’ degrees (despite all the coverage and hoo-hah, no one cares about what happened at UNC, and they won’t look at its graduates’ degrees any differently than they did before), but to the American university as such.

Why? Go back to those empty classrooms nobody noticed. Of course many people did notice; but they were in on the game. What about everyone else?

Serious American universities, like the American economy, ultimately run on trust. They are special places in part because there isn’t anyone racing around checking to see if you’re meeting your class. The assumption at serious universities is that faculty obviously meet their classes. It is that kind of community. It is a serious place full of serious people, both students and faculty.

UNC isn’t a serious university anymore (it can become one again); at UNC, in the wake of the scandal, all professors are subject to spot checks. At UNC

administrators are making surprise inspections in class to make sure courses are actually taking place.

You’re in the army now, fella! Sheets on tight? Maybe I’ll just burst in on you some afternoon…


That is why no one noticed the empty classrooms. No one was looking. Everyone was trusting that a tenured professor, the chair of a department, a researcher in a recognized field, would – duh! – meet his classes. Are you kidding me?

UNC has fucked it up for all of us, especially those sentenced to life at a sports factory. Because now that the lid has fallen off UNC, it’s going to fall off a lot of other schools. Don’t forget that a critical mass of these absurdity-based institutions has been growing: Exactly the same academic hoax has been reported on at Auburn, SUNY Binghamton, etc. Everyone knows that a variant of the UNC scheme operates at virtually all of the big-time sports schools, and now that we’re paying attention, we can expect dozens of other unshocking revelations from other campuses.

The UNC thing goes straight to the heart of what distinguishes universities from all other institutions, all other workplaces. The university is an odd creature, a rare thing. Bartlett Giamatti called it “a free and ordered space.” Get it? Free and ordered?

It’s also a delicate thing. Our friends from the southland have really done a number on it.

What it’s like on the ground in Chapel Hill.

There’s too much deflection out there already and a pervasive, practiced defensiveness that’s without even a whiff of contrition.

What’s essentially behind that response: Everyone does it. We just got caught.

UNC Scandal Too Intellectual

The “everybody does it” sentiment is so widely held when it comes to academic fraud and big-time college athletics that it’s almost impossible for any individual instance to shock or even register with the national public anymore. It doesn’t matter that UNC athletes received a collective GPA of 3.61 in their “paper” classes and a 1.91 in their “real” ones; this isn’t the type of cheating that grabs attention these days. Show us some money changing hands or a star player getting caught stealing something funny from an easily mockable location. Give us something we can turn into a joke that will make our co-workers laugh.

Eventually this country will begin ranking colleges exclusively in terms of how academic their sports scandals are. The more scholarly content in the scandal, the higher the college’s academic rating.

I mean, after all…

… FAMU is like any other American university.

[A lawyer for the defense in the Florida A&M marching band hazing/manslaughter trial noted that] students at the University of Florida have organized “Tough Mudder” teams for a competition so demanding and hazardous that participants are required to sign a “death waiver.” He also noted that University of Central Florida students have volunteered to compete in the “Warrior Dash,” an obstacle race that includes a crawl through a tent known as the “Poop House.”

“Six University of Cincinnati Football Players Have Been Arrested in Just…

two months.”

Look sharp, lads! At schools like yours, the two-month number is usually closer to ten.

“Three Morgantown police cruisers, two fire marshal’s office vehicles, one fire engine, three university patrol cars, a county patrol car and a Westover police patrol car were damaged by rocks, beer bottles and construction debris…”

When there’s a university in your midst, it so heightens the tone.

The Morgantown Police Dept. ordered equipment and supplies officers would need to better control a crowd or riot in the future. The inventory, which totals $28,209.13, includes riots shields, smoke rounds, pepper spray cans and pepper balls, gas masks and equipment needed to release pepper balls into a crowd.

Who came up with the idea putting the word “University” together with “West Virginia” in the first place?

Ungood and Distrue.

At the two minute mark on Weekend Update, University of North Carolina students defend themselves.

“The Don Sterlings of Academicians”

Al Sharpton on the people who run the University of North Carolina Chapel Hill.

He’s got a point. Sports/money types exploiting black athletes.

‘Dramatic art professor Bobbi Owen is the only person facing disciplinary action [for the University of North Carolina bogus courses scandal] who has tenure. Owen was senior associate dean for undergraduate education in the College of Arts and Sciences from 2005 to 2014. According to Wainstein’s report, she asked Nyang’oro to cut back the volume of his independent studies. Despite being aware of issues, Owen apparently did not mention them to “anybody above her in the administration,” the report said.’

Owen needs to explain more than her failure to mention to anyone a grotesque situation in the AFAM department. In response to a “Board of Governors member who asked [Owen in 2012] if the academic support staff was steering athletes to particular classes,” she responded:

“I hope not. I believe that they understand their responsibility to support the student and to help them make wise choices, but it is not in their purview to direct students to particular courses.”

However – given the fact that she’s been disciplined – she probably knew perfectly well that that’s exactly what was happening: Academic support staff were steering athletes to bogus classes.

Then there’s Owen’s remarkable lack of curiosity.

[Owen] learned roughly nine years ago that the department was offering far more independent studies than it could manage, and told [head of AFAM chair Julius] Nyang’oro to reduce them, the report said. But she never investigated why there were so many in the first place.

Yes, Julius, how about bringing them down from 150 to, say, 100? That would be more seemly…

It all makes UD nostalgic for Thomas Petee, chair of Auburn University’s “dumping ground for athletes,” aka the sociology department. Petee, like Nyang’oro, worked his balls off, typically taking on dozens and dozens of independent study students a semester.

Indeed, keep in mind, if you want to create a dumping ground for athletes in your university, that these guys – Petee and Nyang’oro – were both department chairs. That’s important. For bogus course schemes to work at maximum efficiency at sports factories like Auburn and Chapel Hill you really need a department chair to run them, because chairs have more institutional power than regular faculty, and because regular faculty in totally deeply corrupt departments can be counted on to keep their traps shut. They don’t want to piss off the chair, who must be hugely powerful – untouchable – if he’s able to get away with what he’s been getting away with for decades.

It’s obviously icing on the cake if you’ve got a dean in on it too.

“But the real reason I’ll be cheering is because, at a certain level, I’ll have done what you need to do to be a college sports fan these days: adopt the mentality of a 7-year-old—blissfully unaware of the rot that exists just beyond the field of play.”

Lord help me I know I shouldn’t watch these poor fuckers on the field but I can’t help it. Dear God…

Yet another anguished confession from a guy announcing his impending self-lobotomy in preparation for the University of North Carolina’s next basketball game.

UD has been collecting such confessions. There are so many. I know I have to be a moral degenerate and a cretin to watch these university-sponsored events, but sweet Jesus I cannot stop myself. Pretty much every guy with a keyboard is acknowledging to the world the failure of his efforts to rebuke the satanic rot of big-time university football and basketball.

I-have-sinned-wise, the industry standard is of course Brother Jimmy, whose weakness was the ladies. But Satan’s as hard at work on the basketball court as he is in the house of ill-repute, and UD is disappointed to see so many men give up the fight for their souls before it’s really gotten started.

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