If you can read through this without laughing out loud…

… I mean… If you’re having trouble knowing where to laugh (there are many laugh-locations), UD will insert parenthetical LOLs to help you.

Ready?

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Oh right. I need to remind you that … well, let UD‘s pal Mark Killingsworth remind you. Read this.

Ok? Now are you ready? Here goes.

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It’s been another difficult week being a Rutgers football fan. Keith Sargeant of NJ Advance Media reported on Wednesday that starting safety K.J. Gray and reserve linebacker Brendan DeVera had been dismissed from the program. On Thursday night, Sargeant reported as many as eight players were currently under investigation for credit card fraud [LOL] by the Rutgers police department. Sargeant’s colleague, James Kratch, also reported that Gray was recently charged for an incident in June that included driving with an open container and possession of marijuana. Training camp is less than three weeks away from beginning and the Rutgers football team already has their backs against the wall this season. For fans, this Friday the 13th certainly feels like another horror film sequel.

This new scandal will test the patience of even the most ardent Rutgers football supporters. It’s only been three years [LOL] since multiple arrests and embarrassments took place, resulting in the end of the Kyle Flood era. On the face of it, this situation appears different in the sense that during the Flood scandals, players were literally fighting people in the streets multiple times, robbing people’s homes and the head coach himself was pressuring a professor to change the grade of a player. [LOL] I’m not absolving current head coach Chris Ash of responsibility for this current mess, but the allegations appear to be one related situation, versus a pattern of misconduct. Ultimately, they are his players and while you could debate how realistic it is for the coaches to be aware of cyber crimes potentially committed by players, his culture [LOL] has been jeopardized if these allegations ring true.

… The old saying for Boston Red Sox fans before their success of the 2000’s was “they killed my grandfather, my father, and now they are coming for me.” Professional and college sports are different for many reasons, but that sentiment may ring a little too true for Rutgers fans after the past decade of repeated scandals, on top of a lot of losing on the field and court. [At least the program has an almost fifty million dollar deficit.]

… I want Rutgers to win more than anyone, but I want to be proud watching the players on the field, not feel dirty about rooting for criminals. [My, aren’t we dainty. Be a man and root for criminals like everyone else.]

… Big Ten fan bases will be foaming at the mouth to crucify the school that has forever stained their beloved, holier than holy conference. [LOL? Dunno. Just a very weird sentence.]

“[T]he wrestlers who have come forward have been maligned by Jordan and his colleagues as liars, paid operatives in a left-wing conspiracy, and now agents of the deep state. By next week they’ll be crisis actors.”

Shades of James Tracy, Mike Leach, and other campus conspiracists.

Rather than simply acknowledging the Sandusky/Nyang’oro Principle at our most sports-obsessed schools – university administrators can’t and won’t control anything having to do with big-ticket athletics – Jim Jordan and his fellow conspiracists deny the fucking obvious and the obvious fucking at one more degenerate American university sports program.

Called to account for what happened at Ohio State, they reach way, way outside the orbit of anyone’s moral responsibility.

Indeed the Deadspin writer I quote in my headline is right: Eventually Jordan and Louie Gohmert and company will determine that like the “dead” “kids” of Sandy Hook and Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, their accusers from the wrestling team are all crisis actors.

Bankrupting, Mentally Retarding, and WAY Kinky Big-Time University Sports…

… toddles along, universally lauded as financially and reputationally enriching, healthy for mind and body, and an epicenter of mainstream all-American manhood in a world gone mad. Massive incessant scandals involving psychotic team doctors, ancient horny ex-coaches in rut, and rampagingly rapist players discourages this nation’s enthusiasm for big-time college athletics not at all. Such things happen, to be sure; but they could happen anywhere – so why not at an institution of higher learning?

The current appearance on the scene of Jordan and Gordon – an ex-coach and an ex-jock school president (Gordon’s currently head of hopeless-drunk West Virginia University) – takes us yet again on a trip down memory lane as we revisit the notoriously sicko programs they oversaw.

Gordon Gee is of course famous for having said, when asked, as president of Ohio State, if he would fire the corrupt football coach: “I’m just hopeful the coach doesn’t dismiss me.” He remembers nothing of any sexual abuse scandal involving athletics when he led that school. Jim Jordan similarly remembers nothing of Ohio State’s psycho team doc when he coached there, even though eight players have come forward to say Jordan knew all about the sexual abuse of players, not just from their doctor, but from random members of the Ohio State community who’d jam into the team sauna to masturbate at the sight of the guys.

Yes, it’s a kinked-up world, and the kinkmeisters go on to other presidencies and other leadership positions and nothing happened and away we go.

Also Sprach Mark Coleman

Ohio State University (OSU) is currently investigating the actions of Dr. Richard Strauss over claims he sexually abused male athletes at the university while he was team doctor for the school’s wrestling program, and other athletic teams, between 1978 and 1998. Strauss [killed himself] in 2005.

OSU have stated that they have received allegations of sexual misconduct by Strauss from 14 sports teams and from patients of the school’s student health services unit …

Mark Coleman, the UFC’s first heavyweight champion, wrestled at Ohio State in the 1980s and 90s…

Coleman is one of [seven] former wrestlers who have come forward in recent days to not only claim Strauss molested them, but that U.S Representative Jim Jordan, a Republican who represents Ohio’s 4th congressional district, had knowledge of these types of accusations regarding Strauss.

If you’ve been yearning for the good old days of Jerry Sandusky…

… for long detailed descriptions in the nation’s press of old men showering with young college athletes, or hanging around saunas masturbating while watching the lads, this is your lucky day.

It’s not Penn State this time, but it’s another one of America’s most spirited and disgusting jockshops – Ohio State.

Ohio State! Type its name in my search engine for an entire afternoon of beyond-sick stories from the land of healthy mind/healthy body university sports.

[H]ead [wrestling] coach Russ Hellickson had to physically drag the voyeurs out of the building on multiple occasions, and reportedly begged the university to move the team to a private facility.

Feast your imagination on a vision of masturbators, their tongues still hanging out of their mouths and their dicks still hanging out of their pants, being dragged outside by the head coach on the campus of Ohio State University!

[Bob]: Hey Betty how bout that physics exam.

[Betty]: What was that? Did you see that?

[Coach Hellickson]: They don’t pay me enough to drag these jagoffs out of the building.

And yeah yeah that nice congressman who used to be a coach there knew nothing of any of this.

University basketball players get paid off! Shocker!! And double shocker that it happens here, at Mr UD’s institution…

… the University of Maryland.

Lawdy. Hand me my smelling salts.

Bits of comment thread to yet another article about dropping-like-a-stone college football game attendance.

The whims and vagaries of the TV people trump the attendees. The multitude of TV timeouts give the home viewer an opportunity to re-beer, recycle past beers, walk the dog, etc… while we in the stands are baked, rained and/or snowed upon while subjected to 120 decibel commercials or the always entertaining Guess What Our Starting Left Tackle’s Favorite Pizza Topping Is!

[W]e the ticket holders are asked to pay full price and get our lazy butts in our seats by kickoff to watch Our Guys pummel a Div II or III team 75 -3. My friends have dubbed these generic patsies the “Tennessee School for the Dead.”

I live in a state where the football program [is] getting out of hand and having several sexual assault claims has tanked enrollment. They rely on football to help get the school name out but that can go another way also.

Maybe the sight of men, who have never been in a college classroom, trying to give each other head injuries has simply become less entertaining.

… blaring music played on the sound system …

Clocked time of actual play in every NFL game over two seasons and found it averaged eleven minutes of action in a three-plus hour game. NCAA games are probably similar. Slow and boring, especially without the distractions a TV broadcast can offer. And that’s before you get into the issue of the apparent inevitability of brain trauma from playing gridiron football, which makes attending a game seem more and more like sitting in an ancient Roman arena watching gladiators kill and die for our amusement.

The majority of time spent in the stands is wasted listening to commercials, having music blasted at you during every stoppage in play, watching kiss cams, and being bored along with the players as they stand around waiting while referees review yet another play.

[Arizona State shows] people with milk mustaches sponsored by a local dairy, fans with weird hair styles sponsored by Sport Clips, muscle-flexing and air guitar contests sponsored by ??? All can be seen on the new 8 million dollar jumbotron.

A sport that almost guarantees that those who play it for any length of time are going to sustain cognitive damage cannot prosper for long.

[V]ery few football-playing rapists are ever held accountable.

Well…obviously the problem is all those outmoded stadiums! College presidents ought to vigorously campaign for new stadiums…you know, so they can attract the cream of the crop student candidates. And then they can hire coaches they can pay millions and millions of dollars. And then complain because the public isn’t supporting higher education.

And – check it out – almost no comments in defense of university football.

Comrades! Is announcing another glorious success in our latest five-year plan!

Da, is close to $85 million athletics debt at people’s university, but here is good news: Central Committee has just announced it is ‘implementing a budget management plan that will narrow annual deficits steadily until achieving slightly above break even in FY 2024′!

This is truly great news, and I cannot wait for totally deficits-free 2024!!

And remember, comrades – say it with me:

Success in athletics … is the biggest and best marketing tool a major university has at its disposal.

Finally, A Name For It.

The propensity of America’s sleaziest university presidents to recruit/admit/hire/defend the sleaziest imaginable players and coaches now has a name: The Heimlich Maneuver.

Named in honor of Luke Heimlich, convicted child molester and, thanks to the eager backing of OSU president Ed Ray (so eager he’s talked himself out: a spokesperson tells a newspaper Ray is “not available for Luke Heimlich questions“), hero of the OSU baseball diamond, The Heimlich Maneuver designates the complex series of moves by which sportswhore presidents and their … uh … Andre McGees… do everything humanly possible to keep miscreants who can catch and throw balls students in good standing at their university. It really doesn’t matter what you’ve done, or indeed, now that you’re on campus, what you’re doing; block and tackle at a high level, and go ahead and drink drug bully rape assault steal cheat and shoot off your assault rifle to your heart’s content. We were all young once. Or, if we’re Jerry Sandusky, we’re all young at heart.

Even the majors are saying no to Heimlich; the only place he’s welcome is at the contemporary American university.

“[I]f a university relies on students for a large part of its athletic department revenue in an effort to sustain expensive sports like football, then it shouldn’t have those sports.”

If your athletic department can support the massive amount of time and money involved in fielding a successful team, then by all means, go ahead and do it. But if your school is creating a football team from scratch as a way to raise revenues, or get attention for your school, or attract students, in the long term it probably isn’t worth it financially.

“Louisville hush money for my young gunners. / Rick Pitino, I take them to strip clubs and casinos.”

Pitino rapped.

UD loves this shit.

Oh yes, Art Briles is a fine man, unfairly reviled as the football coach who with apparent indifference presided over the Baylor University football scandal…

This big ol’ Texas newspaper article spends not one moment asking the real question: Why did Art Briles recruit/retain eight people who turned out to be alleged gang rapists? We’re supposed to be impressed because after the accusation of gang rape “four of the accused players [were] removed from the team.” Why were they on the team in the first place, putting all Baylor students at risk? Why doesn’t the reporter – eager to absolve Briles of wrongdoing – mention his comment, in a text message, in response to the initial report of the gang rape?

“Those are some bad dudes. Why was she around those guys?”

It wasn’t Briles’s responsibility to avoid a situation where a significant chunk of his football team was made up of “bad dudes.” It was the raped student’s responsibility to understand that Briles recruited bad dudes and to stay out of their way.

No, nothing at all in the article about this:

“The football program was a black hole into which reports of misconduct such as drug use, physical assault, domestic violence, brandishing of guns, indecent exposure and academic fraud disappeared,” [a] court filing said.

Not a word about any of that in the article.

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And that’s how you rehabilitate the morally despicable. If you’re Texas.

‘[Tyler Hilinski’s father] would start by banning guns in university-sponsored housing, even though it’s legal to carry certain firearms with concealed weapons permits in Washington state. “You have to understand the position I’m sitting in,” he says. “If that’s not there, he has to wait another day or week or hour, and sure, there are bridges to jump off and cars to crash if you really want to do something. But if he doesn’t have the gun, there’s certainly a better than zero chance of him surviving.”’

In the matter of the more than ordinarily mysterious suicide of the young (he was only 21) Washington State University hero quarterback, most people are talking about the recent autopsy finding that Hilinski already showed CTE. He had the brain of a sixty-five year old, the doctors said.

Which means scads of university football players in their twenties are probably running around with some degree of CTE. Hilinski after all was a quarterback, a position which typically receives less cerebral punishment than many others.

Et alors? Virtually no one in this country cares; they love football too desperately to give much notice to the early gruesome deaths of their gridiron heroes. People only noticed Hilinski because he wasn’t a mentally eviscerated former pro in his sixties, but still a kid. Same age as Owen Thomas.

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No, ol’ UD is more struck by Hilinski’s father’s comment up there in my headline. Hilinski’s father thinks it’s pretty fucking weird that his kid’s buddies in the dorm had an AR-15 style rifle. Handy, simple, 110% deadly – just the thing for an impulsively self-destructive guy who’d barely hit legal drinking age. (Almost all very young suicides are impulsive.) Hilinski had never handled a gun, but his clueless buddies were happy to give him some pointers, shortly after which he stole the AR-15 and – with this powerful weapon of war – blew his brains out. An incredibly violent bloody suicide, this one.

“We’re always going to have suicide,” [one researcher says,] “and there’s probably not that much to be done for the ones who are determined, who succeed on their 4th or 5th or 25th try. The ones we have a good chance of saving are those who, right now, succeed on their first attempt because of the lethal methods they’ve chosen.” … The element of impulsivity in firearm suicide means that it is a method in which mechanical intervention — or “means restriction” — might work to great effect.

Hilinski’s father’s intuition is absolutely correct; had his son’s demise been more difficult and less absolutely certain than a firearms death, things might have turned out differently.

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It looks as though no one in any way saw Hilinski’s appalling act coming. His suicide note, which will not be released, apparently revealed little or nothing of his motive (UD‘s going to guess that this means its content was pretty short and simple: Goodbye. Sorry.). FWIW, here’s a possible scenario.

Always very strong and healthy, he had begun to experience troubling symptoms: Some mental confusion, maybe some occasional trembling in his hands. Given his lifelong intense devotion to football, this would have panicked and horrified him and made him wonder about his future in the sport, not to mention the future of his general health.

Further, plenty of people who knew him have commented that he exhibited the macho stoicism typical of football guys: If you’re suffering, you don’t tell anyone.

Throwing a convenient big ol’ killing machine into that mix is just asking for it.

A Tale of Two Jockshops

Too much of nothing, or too much of less than nothing: However you slice it, intellectual life at your basic jockshop is, er, a bit off.

Courtesy of Charlie, a reader, there’s this local yokel update on Oklahoma University, long ruled by Gotta Love Em! David Boren, and absolutely drowning in sports revenue..

But now they’ve got a new president, and he seems to have decided that the next step is to move toward creating an actual university on the campus, where “OU is bleeding money while Sooner athletics swims in it.”

Bleeding how much, you ask? After all, the more successful the front porch of the American university, the more successful the university, and it doesn’t come more successful than OU’s athletic programs, so OU must be…

One billion dollars in debt.

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The yokel struggles with this. How can it be? His final line says it all:

We will wait and see what [this spectacular disparity] means, but it would seem to mean something.

I think we can do better than that. I think we can specify quite precisely what it means. It means OU is a football team with some sort of shabby deadbeat school attached to it somewhere. It means that, as a witty long-ago OU president once said of his school, “We want to build a university our football team can be proud of.”

But we don’t really want to, or at least David Boren didn’t want to. He wanted to soak his students for higher and higher tuition, and deny raises to his faculty, while paying top dollar – over the top – to coaches and their minions. Even as OU’s new president began making noises about how this wasn’t a great way to run a university, OU announced they’d just given the football coach a $1.7 million raise.

The only word for it is surrealistic: “[A]s the academic side of the institution finds itself in dire straits, Sooner sports sits pretty.” Academically, although OU designates itself a university, there’s no there there. The whole place is football. And if you think you can reverse that winning, nothing-but-football record, you’re nuts. The new president is about to discover what the word “culture” — make that cult – means.

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And then there’s also massively indebted Rutgers – though here the debt in question is athletics itself. Rutgers economics professor Mark Killingsworth, after immense efforts to uncover the actual numbers from a most unforthcoming university, concludes that

the real deficit for 2016-17 … comes to a total of $35.4 million plus $11.9 million, or $47.3 million — the largest deficit in the history of Rutgers athletics. Despite [President Robert] Barchi’s oft-expressed pious hopes for athletics self-sufficiency, the program has now blown through a grand total of $193.1 million in deficit spending since he arrived in New Brunswick.

Killingsworth concludes by stating the obvious – obvious to everyone but the president and trustees of Rutgers:

[A]thletics deficits take money that could have been spent on academics, and shamelessly raise fees and costs for students.

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Rich jockshop; poor jockshop. Don’t make no never mind.

“When Mike Leach was caught in his video lie, his university did not set the record straight. Washington State issued a meaningless statement backing its coach’s right to his ‘personal opinions.’ And Leach himself said the actual words spoken by Obama are ‘irrelevant anyway’ because ‘we are discussing ideas.’ All of this from an institution of higher learning.”

Well, if you read this blog’s coverage of Washington State University, you’re not as surprised as this New York Times columnist. Because you would never call jockshop WSU an institution of higher learning.

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