Little dong on …

little ding.

What’s remarkable about Nullity Schools (as UD calls them)…

… [background here] is that even their professors are drunk obnoxious football fans.

Not all of the professors, of course! But this sort of story, about a University of Arkansas professor arrested for public intoxication and disorderly conduct at the school’s last football game, is less rare than you’d think, ‘specially down south and all.

Other schools wring their hands over the indifference of most faculty to the most important thing about their campus – their football team – but UA’s Hogs have no such worry. Football’s pretty much the only game in town at this Nullity School, and professors excitedly – over excitedly – fall into line, as – allegedly – did Professor L.Nalley, who teaches his students not only about the sweet potato, but about how to conduct yourself in the stadium when the Hogs are getting roasted.

Shortly after No. 16 Arkansas’s 49-30 loss to No. 1 Alabama was official Saturday night, a fan decided to make his displeasure with head coach Bret Bielema known — allegedly opting for shouting the simple and direct, “If I had your record, I’d be fucking fired. Fuck you.”

He’s out of jail and awaiting his UA punishment.

What do you think?

Professor of the Year?

UD thanks Dave.

Keep Suspending Him, Baylor!

If you kick him off the team altogether, you gum up the works of the amazing publicity machine that is Baylor University athletics.

Back to Black

[I]n 2014, [Washington State University] predicted athletics would be back in the black by 2017.

That isn’t going to happen. But listen folks!

If all goes according to plan, athletics will post a $1.2 million surplus in 2021.

So relax and pay your outrageous student athletic fees!

With Charlie Weis, it’s twice as nice…

… which is why he’s featured so much on this blog. But there’s so much more to say about universities buying out coaches! UD‘s friend Andrew sends her this inspirational account.

American Higher Education: The Jaw Chronicles

Almost any serious football school in this country can promise its students a small but significant shot at having their jaw broken by a football player. According to UD‘s rough analysis, one student jaw gets broken by one student athlete approximately once a week somewhere in the US.

This week’s “displaced fracture of the left mandible and a non-displaced fracture of the right mandible” took place at Purdue University, a perennial violent-arrest powerhouse.

That Y’all and Shut Ma Mouth Land

Last Saturday in [the University of Tennesse’s] Neyland Stadium, former state Rep. Jeremy Durham, R-Franklin … reportedly got into a fracas with a Florida fan during the Vols’ eventual win over the Gators…

[A] particularly boisterous Florida fan was yelling loudly. At one point, Durham responded to the yells. The Florida fan started yelling at Durham. Once the Florida fan yelled at Durham, … Durham turned around and hit the man in the face.

… Durham was ousted from the state legislature earlier this month after accusations of sexual misconduct toward at least 22 women. Saturday, he was ousted from Neyland Stadium by security …

[S]eated next to Durham during the episode was [state Sen. Brian] Kelsey …

Despite Kelsey’s shoulder-to-shoulder proximity to Durham at the time of the exchange, the reported slapping of the Florida fan, and the ejection, Kelsey told The Tennessean [newspaper] he was unaware of anything.

“Part of the reason they seemingly did not fire the coach last fall was because [of] the bad optics of paying out millions to buy out the coach’s contract while the state struggled financially.”

College men from LSU
Went in dumb
Come out dumb too


It’s a whole new day!

Chapel Hill’s Notoriously Clueless and Stonewalling Faculty/Athletics Person, Joy Renner…

… gets a university-wide prize for doing her part to maintain the illusion (is there anyone left who actually holds this illusion?) that disgraced jockshop University of North Carolina is a serious institution of higher education.

Chapel Hill’s new awardee (name: Joy)
Gets a prize for maintaining the ploy
That full-time sport jocks
Prioritize Locke
Over the next game against Illinois.

Life of the Mind, United States of America

Comments, in Atlantic magazine, from people who’ve stopped watching football.

The Penn State/Jerry Sandusky abuse tragedy made it clear that any reprehensible act can be excused as long as the team is winning…

Baylor [University] wanted a winning football program and part of the cost of that was the victimhood of multiple young women who were students there…

Football has always been a violent, dangerous game that offers boundless prosperity to a highly select few and ruin to many, but fond memories and enjoyment to most…

It’s a bunch of large men assaulting each other in an attempt to cross a line with a ball. I know it’s barbaric, but it’s also very entertaining—like a violent chess match… They essentially trade their physical and mental well-being for pride and large sums of cash…

[I]t is, at its heart, an amoral beast that chews human bodies up and spits them out in pursuit of nothing more or less than the almighty dollar.

“President Schulz … chairs the NCAA board of governors, the NCAA’s highest-ranking committee.”

Well, you get what you ask for.

For the last few weeks, this blog has been following the tanking fortunes of jockshop Washington State University — as in, pretty bad school stays pretty bad because it’s a jockshop and jockshops are notoriously subject to the contingencies of the college sports industry and therefore keep suffering financial crises. Forget academics – little to see there. Forget student morale – low to vanishing. And why? Because the big money goes to greedy coaches and heavily indebted sports construction projects, and because the school keeps soaking its students for outrageous athletics fees.

And by the way forget reputation: Under Mad Dog Mike, the lads on the football team have really been pulling out all the stops student-assault-wise…

But then when you consciously appoint as president a major NCAA macher, what do you expect? The school is clearly being run for the pleasure of boosters (I guess; I really don’t know who’s happy about the sort of school WSU is, with the exception of the guy at the top who chairs the NCAA board of governors), and as the shit hits the fan we’re beginning to hear from oh I don’t know professors and students … They are not happy.

They might begin by asking who appointed as president of the university a person who could certainly be expected to pee his pants over sports and sports alone.

Administrators have asked students to consider paying an additional $50 per semester to help bring the athletics department into the black. The department has been operating at a $13 million deficit since 2014, partly because of higher coaching salaries, an expensive new football facility and lower-than-projected TV revenue.

The selfsame malsain Mike must be fed, or he’ll take his … curious… ways elsewhere…

One student pithily sums up the way WSU is being run:

“When was the last time you went to an expensive steakhouse, ordered more food than you needed and gave the bill to a stranger on the street?”

Mad Dog and Mr NCAA are certainly getting overfull meals every day. Let the students pay for it! Leach, that builder of young men’s characters, gets close to three million a year (with assorted perks thrown in), and as more players get arrested and pummel undergraduates we can expect that salary to rise like crazy. Five million in two years? Almost certainly. Let the students get pummeled and let the students pay for their pummeling.

The Leath Beneath My Wings

Give a boy a sports program. Give him his own fleet of planes. Watch him play, and watch Iowa State University pay!

ISU president Steven Leath thinks he can fly, and he thinks he’s exempt from rules about using university planes (why does an impoverished – apparently impoverished, not great university have a fleet of planes?) for personal trips.

No one at ISU seems able to keep Leach grounded.

I mean, far from being able to control the lad, university personnel struggle mightily to hide the expensive damage he does as he busts up said planes in order to fly to vacation homes.

Iowa State University President Steven Leath caused “substantial damage” to a university airplane he was piloting when it made a hard landing at an Illinois airport last year — a costly incident kept quiet for 14 months… University pilots were sent to pick up Leath and his wife with the school’s second airplane. The roundtrip flight cost more than $2,200 and was charged to the “Greater University Fund.” Leath controls that pot of unrestricted donations, which Iowa State says pays for its “most critical needs.”

What could be more critical to Iowa State University (famed for having inspired Jane Smiley’s Moo, a novel jammed with campus incidents just like this one) than supporting its president’s ongoing effort to figure out how to land a plane while the wind is blowing? The man is a treasure. He’s the guy who explains why the sports program is too poor to do anything about academics.

“We are facing a number of very large, comprehensive serious lawsuits related to athletics,” Leath said. “So before we would change our budget structure and put money into academics, we want to at least get past some of these immediate lawsuits.”

Games, games, and the president’s toys.
All jolly things for all jolly boys!

In following the ongoing Washington State University fiasco…

UD has said that WSU is one of those American universities that doesn’t have a president – only a football coach.

Someone at WSU had the bad idea of letting its latest president-impersonator (very latest – he won his audition only a couple of months ago) out to talk to the press. Everyone was wondering what he’d say on the subject of Coach Crazyass and his Merry Marauders, and this clueless genial man did not disappoint.

“Clearly, at the end of the football season, I think it’s very fair that athletic director Bill Moos and myself and coach (Mike) Leach all sit down and say, ‘Hey, is what we’re doing working?’ ” Schulz said. “But we don’t do that in the middle of the season for anything.”

Not for anything! When you’re doing this well, you don’t fuck it up!

The Spokesman-Review covered the team’s recent history of encounters with law enforcement in stories on Sunday, revealing what appear to be systemic problems within the athletics department. Since Leach started coaching the team in early 2012, players have been arrested 29 times – more than any other college football program in the nation, according to

The new prez has also said he won’t comment on team carnage that occurred before his ascension… WSU being a remarkably bloody location for a long time… And people are wondering why he won’t. But Mr President won’t say. That’s just how he feels. He just doesn’t feel like talking about that stuff. Fiddle-dee-dee.

As the school, under the leadership of Coach Crazyass, goes down the tubes, two factions are emerging. The allies of the coach think it’s a shame that the evil media is paying so much attention to non-events like football players breaking the heads and jaws of WSU students. This phenomenon – common on quite a few campuses – is as we all know a small price to pay for attracting the most aggressive tacklers in the country to your campus. You’re going to lose a few students. I mean, not to death haha! But to grievous injury… UD has suggested reducing the yearly student athletic fee of anyone who can show he or she has sustained significant physical or mental trauma from the lads.

The other side thinks all the attention WSU is attracting onaccounta its crazy coach and his marauding men is not a good thing.

“As a former WSU regent, I am saddened that the university’s efforts to focus on world class academic excellence are in danger of falling victim to a ‘just win baby’ mentality driven by the bottom line of big money athletics,” Marr wrote. “I encourage the regents to seize leadership on this.”

In response to this, the regents have been totally, unanimously, utterly silent.

Then there’s faculty, another peripheral group we certainly expect to keep its trap shut.

“[The coach is] embarrassing us on ESPN, on a national stage,” said Matthew Sutton, a history professor. “To me it’s just outrageous.”

Sutton said he initially brushed aside negative comments about Leach when the controversial coach was hired in 2011. Leach had been fired from Texas Tech in 2009 for ordering that a player be locked in an equipment shed, and later a darkened office, during practice.

“I gave him the benefit of the doubt,” Sutton said. “I’ve since realized that all the criticism from my colleagues about him was correct.”

Oh yeah now I see how it is! Before, this was just a dude with a bad behavior sheet the length of a football field, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But now – well, I guess all those colleagues who told me what a shit he was were right…

And why didn’t all of those colleagues… you know… designate a spokesperson and object to your university deciding to be led by a hopped-up son of a bitch? Now you’ve got yourself in the classic jockshop place: A clueless prez-impersonator; Coach El Duce and his Dudes; hospitals full of hemorrhaging undergrads; and even a fan base beginning to question The Wonderful World of WSU Football.

But don’t panic. There’s an established triage here: 24/7 surveillance for the team. Various forms of bribery (free tickets and more) to the cops to keep them from reporting stuff. Put the president back in his cage. Don’t worry about trustees and faculty – there will be a squeak here or there from them at worst. Hold off for a year on the next student fee increase. And for god’s sake: Hold a bunch of charitable events featuring players, staff, and coaches!

“The financial adviser for a longtime University of New Hampshire library employee says the man would have been pleased with the university’s decision to spend one fourth of his $4 million gift to the school on a video scoreboard for the football stadium.”

From the moment UD got a load of the now-notorious story of the UNH librarian and his gift to the school (the story has gone all the way up to the governor), she’s been calling bullshit on it. She hasn’t posted on it because she thinks it’s not only a non-story, it’s a kitsch story.

It’s about people projecting onto a photograph of a pale solitary thready bookish recently deceased man a big fat volume of values (scholarship over football, quiet reflection over rahrahrah, etc.) which seems not fully to have represented the guy. Yeah, he was a librarian and he liked books; he also spent years failing to complain to anyone, far as I know, about what a squalid party/football school UNH happens to be. In fact, “Morin got really into football in the year before he died: ‘In the last 15 months of his life, Morin lived in an assisted living center where he started watching football games on television, mastering the rules and names of the players and teams.'” (UD thanks Wendy for that link.)

That’s why UD wasn’t surprised when someone who knew him well said – well, look at my headline. The school decided to use much of his unrestricted gift to buy a scoreboard. He would have been “pleased” with it. You might not like it; you might think he wouldn’t have liked it. You’re entitled to your opinion, but not to any outrage on his behalf.

What? You think that in absolute terms, as it were, it was a lousy thing to do with his money? Now you’re guilty of betraying this guy’s wishes.

“[The police chief] said that [the] behavior of WSU’s student-athletes has improved tremendously…”

It’s gone way past Orwellian in Pullman Washington, where the most criminalized football team in the country, Washington State University, enjoys high praise from the police chief even as his officers keep arresting its players. The team’s coach, a big-mouth bully trailing accusations of player abuse from coaching job to coaching job, is loudly and persistently outraged that his guys, currently subjecting the WSU student body to torture and disfigurement, should be arrested at all, given that most of this stuff started during fights and other people were also fighting but his guys were picked up just because everyone knows who they are and just because they’re the biggest so they inflict the most damage.

Add humongous, ever-growing student athletic fees, and you’ve certainly got a creeping Ick Factor problem on that campus…

WSU is becoming a kind of laboratory for an emergent reality in American football schools. Until now, we’ve been told to regard player violence on many football campuses as a sometime thing – this domestic violence, that armed robbery, that melee, that beat-up freshman. The coach’s job was to be the wounded daddy, disappointed that junior had misbehaved. The player disappeared and we went on with the show.

WSU shows us how this picture has evolved. The coach has gone from disappointed daddy to belligerent defender of violent people. Sure, they’re violent! But so are a lot of other people, and if other violent people aren’t arrested, our guys shouldn’t be.

The violence itself has become less individualized and more team-centered: Attacks aren’t just one lunatic like Richie Incognito; they’re now liable to be three or four players working as a … team. Which is how schools like WSU rack up national most-arrested titles.

Everything’s getting more explicit: Under pressure from splashy New York Times exposés, police departments like Pullman’s are more likely to actually arrest players.

And though schools keep trying to fudge the numbers, huge spikes in student fees to pay for the glorious athletics department have not gone unnoticed.


UD thinks Mike Leach, a very high-profile Donald Trump supporter, knows exactly what he’s doing. Once a man like Trump is elected, the sky’s the limit.

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