The trend of hookah bars down south featuring mass shootings with AK-47s is hotting up SO much that there’s now a new designation for the shooter venues: They are Hookah Bazookas, bars that can’t promise opportunities to use your weapons, but can certainly be said to have set up optimal conditions for armed street battle.
In order to get the designation, hookah lounges must be able to show that at least one mass shootout – with fatalities – has occurred in or near their property. Kulture Hookah, Melody Hookah, Hooka Lounge, and now Lounge 33 (scroll down) – all can boast mass death via massive firearms as part of the fun; these and several others are America’s Hookah Bazookas.
Where can you find them? Like I said, it’s ALL down south: Texas, Louisiana, West Virginia, Virginia. Folks at Lounge 33 are pretty fucking excited to join the Hookah Bazooka list, having lit up the streets of Houston with fifty – count ’em, 50! – ratatats from AK-47s last night.
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To be fair, a search of Hookah Club Shooting turns up locations across the great US of A.
Born into a gunny house, Mother Shooter’s son
Six years old and shooting off your guns at everyone
Shoot inside your first grade class, make that teacher run!
Listen to the pretty sound of bullets as she flies
Find you in your empty class, Mother Shooter’s son
All the kids fled; just you and Mommy’s gun
Bang bang bang! Mother Shooter’s son!
Really? A six year old pulls out a loaded gun in his elementary school class and pops his teacher with it, and we don’t get to know who his parents are? If you lived anywhere near degenerates who leave loaded guns around the house (and this is the best scenario, right? maybe they gave the kid a loaded gun to take to school), wouldn’t you want rather desperately to know about that? Wouldn’t you really – for the sake of your family – have an absolute right to that information?
Who are they? Where do they live? How did they create a six-year-old mass killer? Think of how small the hands of six year olds are. How did they make a six year old who can whip out a gun and kill people with it? Even Dylan Klebold waited til he was seventeen to shoot up Columbine. Even Adam Lanza waited til he was twenty to shoot everybody at Sandy Hook. SIX years old and already at it?
Of course this is the evolution of bloody America. Not long ago you had to be a teenager to get a gun and kill everyone; now you can be six. We don’t yet have any laws to deal with our baby massacrists because we didn’t think they were possible. Silly us. We have an arms industry making smaller and smaller guns. We have computer games designed (ask Adam Lanza) to make killers out of lunatics and babies.
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And here you are, a family unable to afford to take your kid out of the public school killing fields and how do you feel about that, folks? How do you feel about living somewhere near unidentified degenerates who put guns in the hands of their small children?
At the very very least, the names and addresses of sick fucks who give their babies guns need to be published. I mean, yes, we’re totally as a country losing this battle anyway. But every little bit helps.
When packing your six year old’s pistol for school
Please help him to follow this one simple rule:
If shooting at teacher
He’s too short to reach her
So tell him to stand on a good sturdy stool.
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Little tyke didn’t manage to get a good shot off; looks as though his teacher will survive.
Success will take patience: This was apparently his first attempted murder, and I’m sure there will be others. Over time, he will learn proper stance, a steadier hand, etc.
Dad! Ball’s in your court. Beyond the obvious (much more father/son time on the shooting range), you’re going to have to pack multiple weapons in the lunchbox from now on, so that your child is able to choose the most appropriate weapon for any given situation.
No fear: The boy has his whole life ahead of him, and this is America.
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And a final, special message for the teacher: Apparently you caused the whole thing. Instead of letting the boy kill the classmate he was fighting with, you insisted on confiscating the weapon, which angered the boy and forced him to shoot at you. DO NOT – EVER – ATTEMPT TO GET BETWEEN A SIX YEAR OLD AND HIS RUGER. I suppose it didn’t even occur to you that this was probably a Christmas present, and one that he’s probably been begging for since he was three. Now it’s in the hands of the cops, and who knows how long it will be before his parents will be able to replace it with a junior AR-15.
Looks as though, because of you, Richneck Elementary School is going to have to wait some time before it gets its massacre. But all in good time.
At the stroke of midnight, a 62 year old Michigan man drove celebratory bullets from his AR-15 into the bodies of two of his fellow revelers, whose bloody deaths microseconds into 2023 set a new world record for fastest end to a new year.
Police are withholding some details because “we don’t want this to become a trend.”
The Wall Street Journal (!) editorial board goes there. Of course if you’ve been reading University Diaries you already know that a profound resurgence of American anti-intellectualism, coupled with violent infantilism — see our most recent ex-president’s fantasy-super-powers playing cards, or the fixation with loaded, openly carried guns among several congressional Republican nitwits/coup plotters — accounts for much of the cultural degradation the WSJ‘s been noticing.
The establishment Republicans at the paper are dismayed, to be sure; but lurking just below dismay is fear: Not only are the gunny dumdums ungoverning and ungovernable. Quite a few of them are barking mad.
Stupid, crazy, and fully armed.
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PS: Too meshugah even for the Vatican. Trumpies who pose fetuses on church altars lose their collars.
‘Momma told me to give her the gun, so I gave her the gun. Momma shot the cops and momma was shot. Her eyes are open and she is breathing a little bit. Are you going to hurt me? Momma told me people are trying to kill us. Is momma going to be OK?’
But my psychotic nineteen year old deserved a bunch of massive guns.
… in that most-American way.
Grieve for the two police who had not yet gotten the memo: Every American, including fragile little middle-aged ladies, is likely to be packing heat. And be highly trained in killing multiple people.
And it’s Mississippi. Of course. Might could be it’s time to change police training down there.
U.S. Rep. Ralph Norman is facing pressure to resign from Democrats in his South Carolina congressional district after a string of text messages revealed the Rock Hill Republican called for a military takeover in order to keep then-President Donald Trump in power after his 2020 election defeat.
In response to this report in the Post and Currier, as well as to the White House comment, Bates has issued a statement:
You wanna talk “disgusting“? Disgusting is the president of the United States choosing a day sacred to people like me, people unafraid to stand up for the right of all Americans to arm themselves with Bushmaster Model XM15-E2S rifles, on which to attack my patriotism.
It will be my pleasure, as leader of the South Carolina Milisha, to blast the brains of the entire Eggzecutive Branch to a pulp. Just watch me.
Bates can’t keep his gun in his panties, and is always waving it around, loaded, especially at the ladies.
He thinks his most favorite thing – martial law, which includes lots of guns to wave at women!!! – is spelled marshall rather than martial, and that’s because Bates is soooooooooper stooooooooooopid and now everyone’s laughing at him.
But that part of this story is, you know, okay. You get what you vote for, and folks in parts of SC like stupid people, and that’s democracy, and democracy is a beautiful thing, and UD will defend it as long as she draws run-on sentences.
Howsomever. Bates’s breathless excitement as he demands from Mark Meadows and the president a military takeover of the United States in the wake of Trump’s defeat is not quite as okay as the right of stupid people to be represented by stupid people:
[W]e are at a point of no return in saving our Republic !! Our LAST HOPE is invoking Marshall Law!! PLEASE URGE TO PRESIDENT TO DO SO!!
Bates’s misspellings and errors and exclamations and caps and all tell you he is really excited, really agitated, really in need of calming himself down by exposing his loaded gun to groups of women, or, lacking that, leading a military coup against the United States.
Is Rep. Bates a threat to our country? He will be until we can find some way of dealing with his shpilkes, his inability to calm himself down in the matter of guns. I see two possible ways to go.
2. A more unorthodox approach would involve penectomy followed by surgical attachment of an NAA Mini-Revolver or other appropriately portioned piece.
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Whoa. Now they’re talking about suhdishun.
Openly carried assault rifles have become an all too common feature of political events around the country and are having a chilling effect on the exercise of political speech… [We must address] the armed intimidation that has become commonplace in public places and the gun culture that makes it possible… [An] obsession with “tactical culture” and rifles like the AR-15 [is] a fringe movement among the 81 million American gun owners, but it is one of several alarming trends that have coincided with the increase in political violence in this country, along with the spread of far-right extremist groups, an explosion of anti-government sentiment and the embrace of deranged conspiracy theories by many Republican politicians.
Do you know how many high school basketball/football games end in gun fights in this country?
Lots; and the numbers are growing. Now watch as the phenom – utterly predictable as all of America resolves tiffs with one of the four hundred million guns available – moves to the college sports scene.
… makes sure its universities share fully in this bounty. Its two highest-profile campuses – U New Mexico, and New Mexico State – are POP POP POP POPPIN away with healthy rivalry, on the basketball court and off! (For the long glorious sports history – there isn’t any other history – of both schools, go here.) Now that both schools’ teams are literally engaged in an ongoing shooting war, the basketball coaches have, uh, started to issue statements and shit.
When your schools are dumpsters instead of colleges, and when your basketball teams are gangs (with the coaching staff apparently part of the gangs), instead of basketball teams, you should…
Oh I dunno. You’re down there with your guns and your gangs, leading your best life now, living out loud, standing in your truth, letting a smile be your umbrella, and ain’t no place of mine to look at the carnage and say one damn word.