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Kiss me once and kiss me twice and kiss me once again. It’s been a long, long time.

UD don’t even blink at this shit no more.

Not so much good ol’ universities like Tennessee with almost fully criminalized sports teams… Not that, onaccounta she done read about that for five, ten years goin’ on now… No, UD don’t even blink at the way the local rags report this shit.

I mean, look at it from the rags’ POV. Every year, all year, including the summer, they know they’re going to have to report constant devilry on the part of their local gods, like say the football players at the University of Tennessee. Scary stuff – driving around dead drunk, beating people on the streets of Knoxville, taking part in armed robberies …

So – in order to hold fast the faith of the people, there’s a formula their scribes use for every incident. UD will cite this article – one of thousands of clones – to clarify.

1.) First they remind the people that it’s been eons since they had to put the last player in jail. I mean, really, to be fair, the team’s been clean for an incredible stretch. (“[T]he football team’s arrest record remained clean for nearly five months…”)

2.) Then the assistant director of fuckups gets on the horn and tells the scribes the school is vaguely aware that something vague has happened and they’re looking into I guess or they sure will soon as they know something but it’s real early days and let’s be fair. (“We’re aware of an incident…”)

3.) Now, without giving any detail about the incident, you go on for paragraphs and paragraphs about the position the guy played, the effect on game strategy of possibly losing this guy to suspension or jail or whatever, etc. (“The position is one of the Vols’ biggest concerns…”)

4.) Next, testimonials. (“He made a mistake but he was not causing trouble.”)

5.) Wrapping up, another reminder of the amazing crime-free stretch. (“UT coach Derek Dooley’s continued efforts to clean up the program’s run of recent off-field troubles and change the culture appeared to have paid off, as the Vols were nearly through the entire summer without any incidents.” Have you ever tried to get through an entire summer without getting arrested?)

6.) And finally: The players’ court date is checked against the team’s practice schedule. (“His court date is scheduled for Aug. 4, the Vols’ third day of preseason practice.”)

Margaret Soltan, July 25, 2011 7:45AM
Posted in: sport

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3 Responses to “Kiss me once and kiss me twice and kiss me once again. It’s been a long, long time.”

  1. Ian Says:

    I am envisioning a sign along the lines of those workplace safety posters…..”46 days without an arrest”. No need for three digits apparently.

  2. Margaret Soltan Says:

    Ian: LOL.

  3. Tony Says:

    You’ve missed your calling as a PR hack. In this mixed up world, they make better salaries than university professors 🙁

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