This is not the way to bat cleanup. This Sports Illustrated column on the massive drug bust at Texas Christian University – featuring plenty of football team involvement – is the first of what will be many attempts at damage control.
This writer’s prose is the functional equivalent of someone in a crowded room waving madly away at marijuana smoke because it’s so thick everyone’s choking on it. A polite gesture, but futile.
Let’s take a few tokes of this guy’s prose and see what went wrong.
His basic moves are two:
1. Aw shucks.
2. I’m shocked. Shocked.
To get us to the point where we actually believe that big-time university football is made up of clueless saintly coaches and adorable lunk kids who sometimes do the darnedest things, the writer must throw deep into platitude territory. His prose must evoke an Americana that would embarrass Edgar Guest. Let’s see how he does it!
The coach has created a winning team
the right way by recruiting guys who were a step too slow or an inch too short. Patterson persuades his players to use those slights — real and perceived — as motivation to maximize their ability. [Start with the hard-luck, overcoming obstacles, come from behind, motley crew that shows up the sports machine schools — the whole motivational enchilada. Ignore the fact that the investigation began when a recruit rejected a TCU offer because of notorious drugging on the team. Ignore that. Don’t ask why some random recruit knew about this and the coach didn’t. Just keep reading. And keep your hankie ready.]
That’s been the foundation of Patterson’s success, which has ultimately resulted in TCU achieving its dream of being in the Big 12 and becoming, you know, one of the big boys. [Achieving its dream. Maximize their ability. Keep the cliches coming. They feel so damn good.]
In one day, four knuckleheads — linebacker Tanner Brock, defensive tackle D.J. Yendrey, safety Devin Johnson and offensive tackle Ty Horn — destroyed much of the program Patterson has built. [Knuckleheads! Cue the Three Stooges! Adorable! Clowns!]
Having shooed away the dealers on the team, the writer will concentrate for the rest of his piece on the clueless sainted coach.
[W]e can only imagine the cauldron of emotions that must’ve been bubbling within him.
After all, he must’ve felt dumb that so much illegal activity seemed to be hidden in plain sight. And he probably felt betrayed by the players and disappointed because he let down the parents who trusted him with their kids.
Kids is always a good choice for stories like this one. The basic dynamic the writer’s going for, after all, is familial – the coach is the fond, too fond, dad, incapable of imagining his kid a dealer; the player is… just a kid!
And oh lord the churning, churning cauldron of emotions he must be experiencing as it hits him so hard out of thin air that the kid sells drugs…
Knucklehead v. Dumb: The sad sorry story of our sports family… But the coach and the team “will survive this shameful day.” We will survive!
February 17th, 2012 at 12:58AM
I can’t blame the writer for trying to put the coach in a positive light. On the other hand, the article is absolutely inane. The writing level is high schoolish, and the content isn’t news–it’s either trivial or is just the writer’s own projections. Of course there’s going to be a cauldron of emotions, but what’s the point of pointing that out? What does Patterson do that any other coach doesn’t do?
But if the focus of the article is on Patterson, then the real question is what did Patterson know and when did he know it. That isn’t addressed in the article.
February 17th, 2012 at 11:31AM
But it’s football! And this is Texas!
February 17th, 2012 at 3:23PM
The war on drugs is retarded,
marijuana should be legal and regulated much as alcohol currently is.
It’s a colossal waste of resources to set up undercover buys for weed, and the damage done to these kids by a conviction will be far worse than the drug use itself.
Ecstasy and opiates?
Well maybe if the psychotropics pushed by big pharma actually worked then people would spend less time and effort obtaining and using drugs which are obviously illegal – and indisputably awesome.
February 17th, 2012 at 3:38PM
Mike: I’m pretty sympathetic to the idea of legalizing some drugs – I’m not writing about the story in order to judge people who take drugs.