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Reading this article about Arizona State University…

gives you a sense of what it must have been like to sit in your communal apartment in Leningrad in 1956 and read about the anticipated glorious fulfillment of the Soviet Union’s Sixth Five-Year Plan.

ASU Regents Chairman Rick Brezhnev assures a reporter that “To think of sports as something that isn’t an integral part of the university is inappropriate… Sports is part of the life experience we want people to have.” And so comrades we must all sacrifice! To do otherwise would be inappropriate!

At ASU we subsidize pathetic teams no one wants to watch with the people’s tuition. We take millions of the people’s dollars to hire fine upstanding coaches like Todd Graham and to buy out the contracts of all the coaches currently living in the Gulag.

Since 2005, ASU’s total spending on athletics has grown by 44 percent, to $57 million, yet its performances in football and men’s basketball — the only two sports that made money — have been lackluster. ASU’s ticket revenue spiked in fiscal 2008, then began sliding and plunged in 2011. ASU has struggled to raise money from donors.

But it’s about the future! The future is bright! We will fulfill – and more than fulfill – the athletic department’s five year plan with honor!


Update: UD originally got the new coach wrong. She thanks Doug, a reader, for the correction.

Margaret Soltan, August 19, 2012 3:32PM
Posted in: sport

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5 Responses to “Reading this article about Arizona State University…”

  1. Jack/OH Says:

    UD, a friend of mine who’s in his 50s now has played and coached organized amateur sports most of his adult life. He’s a genuine sports guy. He claims in informal conversation supported by specific examples that the reach of big-money pro and collegiate sports goes way deep. He means there’s informal scouting of athletically talented youngsters who play in peewee leagues, who attend organized sports summer camps, and who shine in school sports. He mentions coaches, local sports reporters, alumni, and, yes, parents, all of whom will get bragging rights for saying they “worked with” a future pro ball player. (BTW-I’m not sure any of this is especially sinister or obnoxious. Also, my friend was not able to say if he knew of any actual payments made to coaches, et. al., as talent spotters.)

  2. Doug Richmond Says:

    Rich Rodriguez is the coach at the University of Arizona, not Arizona State University. ASU managed to hire Todd Graham, who is truly sleazy.

  3. Margaret Soltan Says:

    Thanks for the correction, Doug. I’ll fix the post.

  4. ConservativeEnglishPhD Says:

    ASU is also lying. They claim football and basketball make money, but they don’t. However, the news media always reports this claim without ever looking into the budget trickery used to create the appearance of “making money.”

  5. University Diaries » Why do schools like Arizona State exist? Says:

    […] chair of their trustees thinks big-time sports are “intergral” to universities, and ASU, a perennial game loser, spends hugely on them (expenditures have gone up 44% since 2005). […]

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