Of course in principle no one here at University Diaries cares about professional football and its increasingly empty stadiums; we’re interested in how college football destroys American higher education. But as California goes, so goes the campus – though in fact things are far worse on campus… We have so many schools, and so few students give a shit about the game

A writer at The Big Lead, one of many sports pundits now specializing in The Theory of Nothing, explains:

[W]hen fans aren’t at games it has a detrimental impact on the product. It sends the message that games are boring, uninteresting and that people don’t want to have anything to do with them in person.

UD Says: Not boring. That’s not the problem. The problem is that amateur and professional American football is disturbing.

Put aside the parking and the expense and protecting your kids from squads of the obscene shitfaced. Instead try a close phenomenological account of what it’s like, moment by moment, Being There. Start with the stadium-length Godzillatron, shrieking gargantuan nonstop ads at you. Should the ads stop, they will be replaced by gargantuan images of men getting their heads bashed in. You can’t not look – your entire field of vision has been captured. The only place to look away is the field, where actual men in real time are getting their heads bashed in. As one after another goes tottering unsteadily off the field, the names Aaron Hernandez and Junior Seau etc. unavoidably go through your head, and you start worrying about the guys still on the field getting their heads bashed in. I mean, okay – boxing, NASCAR, yes, fine, I like to watch guys get hammered… But… is it fine? What exactly am I watching here?…

And now, instead of screaming and having fun like everyone else, you’re suddenly effing Epictetus or something, and all you want is to go home and go to sleep.

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3 Responses to ““[O]wner Jed York was stadium-frustrated by San Francisco, so he moved [his football] team from [San Francisco] to Santa Clara, 45 minutes away, which would be like the pope moving Easter Sunday Mass from St. Peter’s Basilica to Applebee’s in Fiumicino.””

  1. dcat Says:

    The Niners Moved to Santa Clara
    But no fans wanted to be there-a
    Where it’s hotter than fuck
    (And the Niners? They suck.)
    Any more details I’ll spare ya

  2. Margaret Soltan Says:

    dcat: A first-rate limerick packed with detail. Love it.

  3. eurpeasant Says:

    Speaking about getting hammered;
    “Auburn Calloway had swung a hammer with great force into the top of Andy Peterson’s head several times in rapid succession. Jim Tucker turned to see what the commotion was about just as one of Calloway’s hammers landed a crushing blow to the left side of the co-pilot’s skull, driving bone fragments into his brain. Having temporarily incapacitated 2/3 of the crew, Calloway turned his attention to the pilot. Captain Sanders managed to deflect some of the hail of hammer strikes, nevertheless several blows penetrated his confused defenses and rendered him bleeding and disoriented”


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