The propensity of America’s sleaziest university presidents to recruit/admit/hire/defend the sleaziest imaginable players and coaches now has a name: The Heimlich Maneuver.

Named in honor of Luke Heimlich, convicted child molester and, thanks to the eager backing of OSU president Ed Ray (so eager he’s talked himself out: a spokesperson tells a newspaper Ray is “not available for Luke Heimlich questions“), hero of the OSU baseball diamond, The Heimlich Maneuver designates the complex series of moves by which sportswhore presidents and their … uh … Andre McGees… do everything humanly possible to keep miscreants who can catch and throw balls students in good standing at their university. It really doesn’t matter what you’ve done, or indeed, now that you’re on campus, what you’re doing; block and tackle at a high level, and go ahead and drink drug bully rape assault steal cheat and shoot off your assault rifle to your heart’s content. We were all young once. Or, if we’re Jerry Sandusky, we’re all young at heart.

Even the majors are saying no to Heimlich; the only place he’s welcome is at the contemporary American university.

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5 Responses to “Finally, A Name For It.”

  1. Bruce Foster Says:

    Great name, The Heimlich Maneuver. But you buried the lede. Player of the year two years in a row and no professional team will touch him! WOW.

    I know you really dislike most (all?) team sports. But sometime sport writers transcend their material. Consider this opening line from the discussion of Denmark’s World Cup match. “It’s a storyline that should be familiar in Denmark by now: An early fight for ascension is followed by roughly two hours of squabbling before all hell breaks loose in the final ten minutes and everybody dies.” I wonder how many sport readers got the joke?

  2. Margaret Soltan Says:

    Bruce: Way laugh out loud: Something’s rotten on the Danish soccer team. What great writing, and thanks for sending. Will probably feature on the blog. Scathing Online Schoolmarm impressed.

    And on Heimlich: You’re right – I actually missed that detail.

    The only sport I love: Scrabble.

  3. David Foster Says:

    UD, you might find this piece about the coach of Uruguay’s soccer team interesting:

  4. Margaret Soltan Says:

    Thanks, David. Opening it now.

  5. Bill Radigan Says:

    Heimlich Maneuver. Excellent.

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