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Suburban Whale Falls

You shouldn’t be surprised when people start monetizing the vast empty mcmansions all around you. You yourself may be happy rattling about in your own bankrupting domestic structure with no domestic life in it — because after all, here in the US, conspicuous consumption is the last sense to go.

Indeed ethically and emotionally you may be quite content to live inside a desolate, energy sucking, cave; but that doesn’t mean your neighbors think the same way. Having emptied their accounts in order to act rich, they now seek ways out of their financial dilemma, plus out of the depression that settles upon them when, morning after morning, they fetch up in an Alaskan King bed they can’t afford.

Lotsa desperate capitalists around your neighborhood is what I’m saying, and some of them are going to start cannibalizing their whale fall. They’re gonna rent their pools. They’re gonna rent their outdoor grills. They’re gonna rent their driveways. And – don’t know how to break it to you – they’re gonna find commercial uses for their nine bedrooms.

If you’d thought about your setting – hidden away cul de sacs with acres of parking and beyond that flat treeless land for more parking – it might have occurred to you that the whole setting was absolutely crying out for supermassive sex parties. That there would be more and more and more of these (“We have, you know, 200-400 strangers coming into our small, seven-house community, drinking, littering, peeing, defecating, we have people that are just screaming at the owners. We live here, I mean, my neighbor’s dog ate a condom this morning, so is that something you want your children to deal with?”) and that they might not make you happy.

Happy? You thought spending money on a house whose nihilism crushes your soul would make you happy. You thought ruining yourself financially would propel you to the land of classy rich people, and it landed you in the lap of 24/7 bullet-spewing trash. Dumbdumb.


update: uh oh.

Margaret Soltan, July 5, 2024 7:48AM
Posted in: snapshots from home

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One Response to “Suburban Whale Falls”

  1. University Diaries » It’s what I was trying to tell you… Says:

    […] … here. The fancier the neighborhood, the scummier your neighbors. How many times must I tell you this? […]

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