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Perhaps Inspired by Gemrot’s…

… Sonata for Cello and Piano, a British scientist announced, a few years ago, a new syndrome called Cello Scrotum, in which the pressing of the instrument against the male instrumentalist promoted scrotal decomposition.

Her work on the condition was written up in a major medical journal, and for years has been cited respectfully.

She has now admitted that it was a hoax.

*******************************

Update: Two limericks thus far. The first is by Dave.

“My cello’s degrading my scrotum,”
Said Rostropovich unto his factotum.
“Yo-Yo Ma’s yo-yo
Has withered in toto,
Yet science refuses to note ‘em.”

**********************************

The second is by University Diaries:

Ever since I contracted c. scrotum
My f-hole’s become a mere totem.
Only thing I can play
Is Auber’s Bal Masqué.
I’ll have to begin to regrow them.

***********************************

UPDATE: More scrotum-tightening verse.

From Eric:

There once was a cellist named Zack,
Alarmed about losing his sac.
After vigorous chokehold,
He knew he’d been Sokaled,
So spicattoed and bowed his groove back.

*************************

From Dave:

Brahms lost his to a misapplied flute.
Gonorrhea shrank Mahler’s, to boot.
I’m blaming my cello
For the sickly and yellow
State of my forbidden fruit.

*************************

From Melanie:

A scrupulous cellist named Krupp
Bought a rockstop that came with a cup.
When asked, “Why the addition?”
He cited physicians
And said, “So my endpin stays up.”

Margaret Soltan, January 28, 2009 3:09PM
Posted in: hoax

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14 Responses to “Perhaps Inspired by Gemrot’s…”

  1. Joe F Says:

    I smell another of UD’s headline contests…

  2. Brian Says:

    As the Beeb’s article notes, anyone who knows how a ‘cello is played would find this highly implausible.

  3. Dave Stone Says:

    "My cello’s degrading my scrotum,"
    said Rostropovitch unto his factotum.
    "Yo-Yo Ma’s yo-yo
    Has withered in toto,
    Yet science refuses to note ’em."

  4. Margaret Soltan Says:

    I know a challenge when I see one, Dave. Hold on a minute.

  5. Margaret Soltan Says:

    And I THOUGHT of yo-yo, I assure you. I rejected it as, you know, too vulgar…

  6. francofou Says:

    Backward glans on the other hand…

  7. Joe F Says:

    And there was a vas deferens between the cellist’s bridge and the timpanist’s fleshhoop.

  8. Michael Tinkler Says:

    that ‘in toto’ is fine fine fine!

  9. Margaret Soltan Says:

    Ever since I contracted c. scrotum
    My f-hole’s become a mere totem.
    Only thing I can play
    Is Auber’s Bal Masque.
    I’ll have to begin to regrow them.

  10. Eric Says:

    With apologies to Edward Lear, Terry McMillan, the Man from Nantucket, and cellists everywhere:

    There once was a cellist named Zack,
    alarmed about losing his sac,
    after a vigorous chokehold,
    he knew he’d been Sokaled,
    so spicattoed and bowed his groove back.

  11. Dave Stone Says:

    Can you tell I’m putting off grading?

    Brahms lost his to a misapplied flute.
    Gonorrhea shrank Mahler’s, to boot.
    I’m blaming my cello
    For the sickly and yellow
    State of my forbidden fruit.

  12. Melanie Says:

    Limericks are hard! Here’s one:

    A scrupulous cellist named Krupp
    Bought a rockstop that came with a cup.
    When asked, "Why the addition?"
    he cited physicians
    and said, "So my endpin stays up."

  13. Margaret Soltan Says:

    Melanie: Wonderful!

  14. Jeremy Bangs Says:

    A bit late, but here’s another:

    An inscrutable cellist from Little Rock
    loved to play preludes (J.S. Bach).
    His wife? She had fits
    from the touch of his pizz.
    And his metronome-rhythmical tik-tok.

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