You want a class act, you way definitely want West Virginia University. The CBS News writer quoted above doesn’t even bother going back to football coach Rich Rodriguez, who brought such esteem to WVU’s sports program shortly before Heave-Ho Holgorsen came along.

It’s got everything but a university.

Regular readers know that UD has a category – Online Makeover – singling out American universities whose campus life is so sordid, so sodden, so stupid, that it is time for them to shut down their physical plants and reopen as exclusively online institutions.

West Virginia University, whose new coach (the state’s highest paid employee) appears to be a seriously obnoxious drunk, is a perennial Party School winner (it’s number four on the latest list), and is – just to top things off – likely to decide in the next few weeks to sell booze at its football games.

In short, WVA is a Purveyor of Fine Wines and Spirits, and should be allowed to spin off its course-offering component and ply its trade unimpeded.

Another day, another arrest, and so it goes in a suddenly troubled West Virginia University football program.

Two days after defensive tackle Scooter Berry was arrested and charged with a pair of misdemeanors after an early morning downtown run-in with police, reserve safety Courtney Stuart was arrested on a fugitive warrant from Arizona relating to a 2007 burglary…

If you’ve been here, you know. You know you’re in Fauquier County when the air changes. Take a deep breath, as our motto has it, and enjoy the musty aroma of sulfuric acid as our friendly people shoot at you for getting lost and driving onto their property.

Fast-paced city life melts into the distance, and your eyes rivet onto the amazement of Virginia’s Horse Wine and AR-15 Country.

Just 40 miles west of Washington, D.C., at the foothills of the Blue Ridge Mountains. So far from the inner city. And yet so near.

[UD thanks her sister.]

When there’s a university in your midst, it so heightens the tone.

The Morgantown Police Dept. ordered equipment and supplies officers would need to better control a crowd or riot in the future. The inventory, which totals $28,209.13, includes riots shields, smoke rounds, pepper spray cans and pepper balls, gas masks and equipment needed to release pepper balls into a crowd.

Who came up with the idea putting the word “University” together with “West Virginia” in the first place?

Well, now… hold it right there. There’s a long tradition, in our most benighted states (West Virginia, Georgia), of public school teachers and coaches and hey even principals, marching all the kids off during school hours to Preacher Dimsdale in the auditorium or on the playing field. Dimsdale will dunk them in baptismal waters or instruct them to perform a group Jesus Wave — unless of course they want their dicks to shrivel, rot, and fall into the fires of hell FOREVER.

Separation of church and state? Coercion?

Who said coercion? How can it be coercion when you’re fifteen years old, dumb, and desperate to please your coach because all you want to do is play college ball? That sounds like informed consent to me.

But some malcontent heard tell bout Coach Dunkin’ and his wet ways and complained to the Freedom from Religion folks and uh oh.

Welcome to the West Virginia public school system, where a high school principal forced all students to listen to a mentally retarded preacher while performing a mandatory Jesus Wave.

Guy probly knowd he shouldnt but the spirit of the Lord was too strong within him to resist offering escape from eternal torment TO EVERYONE. EVEN JEWS.

And you know what? Ifn he aint been fired he’ll do it again.

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Even with this here lawsuit settlement, which institutes “a policy mandating annual religious freedom training” (LOL) and other shit like that, I’m figuring this principal – if he aint been fired – caint help hisself cuz ever time he looks at them poor Jews it just bout breaks his heart thinking of their organs dropping off into the fire.

The trend of hookah bars down south featuring mass shootings with AK-47s is hotting up SO much that there’s now a new designation for the shooter venues: They are Hookah Bazookas, bars that can’t promise opportunities to use your weapons, but can certainly be said to have set up optimal conditions for armed street battle.

In order to get the designation, hookah lounges must be able to show that at least one mass shootout – with fatalities – has occurred in or near their property. Kulture Hookah, Melody Hookah, Hooka Lounge, and now Lounge 33 (scroll down) – all can boast mass death via massive firearms as part of the fun; these and several others are America’s Hookah Bazookas.

Where can you find them? Like I said, it’s ALL down south: Texas, Louisiana, West Virginia, Virginia. Folks at Lounge 33 are pretty fucking excited to join the Hookah Bazooka list, having lit up the streets of Houston with fifty – count ’em, 50! – ratatats from AK-47s last night.

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To be fair, a search of Hookah Club Shooting turns up locations across the great US of A.

[E]veryone thought that shifting the battle on abortion to the states would help anti-abortion groups. But in fact, what we’re seeing is that abortion rights groups are starting to rack up victories ...

[B]allot initiatives are turning out to be a real point of success for abortion rights groups...

[I]n Vermont and California, voters approved ballot initiatives that would explicitly establish a right to abortion in those state constitutions...

[Michigan] voters overwhelmingly said we want our state constitution to protect a right to abortion...

[T]here were three red states — Montana, Kansas, and Kentucky – [where] anti-abortion groups thought that voters of those red states would come out and say absolutely not. We do not want abortion. And in fact, in all three of those states those [anti-abortion] measures failed...

[B]ecause of the abortion issue, Democrats are actually making some gains in state legislatures…

Democrats now control the Pennsylvania legislature. That’s enormously important for access [to abortion], not just for Pennsylvania, but for women in West Virginia and in Ohio, where abortion is banned, because women from Ohio and West Virginia have been flooding into Pennsylvania to seek abortions...

In another example, look at Minnesota. There, the state Senate flipped the Democrats. They have control of both chambers of the legislature, plus the governor’s office, for the first time since 2013. And Democrats are really taking that as a mandate to achieve their legislative priorities. And that means they could do a mini Roe, essentially putting the protections of Roe into the state constitution...

[In Utah,] language written to defend polygamy is now language that is being used to defend abortion, and it’s working…

… I don’t think it’s what anyone expected when they wrote that constitution…

Republican legislatures may want to oppose abortion, but Republican voters, as in Wyoming, often have sort of a libertarian streak and think like, you know what? A decision to have an abortion is really up to the woman. I don’t want to interfere with that...

[W]hat we’ve seen in the last six months is that when you take abortion away or threaten to take it away, voters are going to come out to protect access to it…

[B]e careful what you wish for when you overturn Roe because [advocates] actually have something that might be even stronger up [their] sleeves...

[W]hen you put the right [to an abortion] into a state constitution, in most cases, it’s less contorted because when that right goes into the state constitution, it’s generally much more explicit than in the federal constitution. And when you put it in the constitution, you can make it much more expansive...

So take Michigan for an example. The right to abortion that was established by that ballot initiative that passed is far more expansive than anything that was in the US Constitution, far more expansive than Roe. It gives women control over the entire spectrum of choices in their reproductive health. That’s huge...

That’s not just sort of inserting the language of Roe into a state constitution. It’s not some sort of mini Roe. This is like maxi Roe. This is Roe on steroids..

Well, except for West Virginia, which beat Louisiana by a whisker in their race to the very very bottom…

It’s stupid degrading shit like this.

Reminds you of those poor Huntington WV students similarly force-marched into the presence of Jesus freaks.

Our saddest and next to saddest states. They ain’t heard of the separation of church and state round them parts – their teachers and superintendents ain’t heard of it – and ifn you tried to explain it to them, wouldn’t get through one bit. Hell I’d be sad too ifn I had to send my kids to them schools.

Sing it!

Circuit judges
Pointing guns at lawyers
Frightened courtrooms
Running for the foyer

Wacko Justice
Pulling out his Colt
Threatening attorneys
Everybody bolt!

Get me home!
Country roads
From the jurist's
Pistoled robes
West Virginia!
Bloody wasteland
Get me home
Country roads

[The Freedom from Religion Foundation contacted] Cabell County Schools administrators in 2017 and 2019 regarding religious activities taking place in schools. … “Despite FFRF’s prior warnings, … adults have continued to promote religion to Cabell County students during the school day, including through religious assemblies,” the lawsuit states.

Three strikes you’re sued, I guess. And it’s about time. No fan of promiscuous litigation, UD nonetheless has long argued on these pages that hopeless recidivists – and fanatics just can’t help it – can only be controlled, in many cases, via the legal system.

Horny haredim, for instance, are always going to stand up on airplanes and demand seating that does not torment them through the proximity of female flesh; and the only way to control this behavior has been to throw them off the airplane when they do their thing.

I mean, the only way for an airline to avoid endless $500,000 a pop successful lawsuits brought by harlots publicly forced to change their seats is to throw the haredim off the plane. Or threaten to do so. Which now routinely happens.

Similarly, it’s quite clear from the incorrigible behavior of Huntington High School’s principal that he perceives his teenage charges as lambs of Christ whether they like it or not, and no heathen “foundation” is going to stand in the way of his herding and revivaling them. Only the principled removal of the principal, plus painful financial penalties against the school district, will begin to perform the miracle of making the blind see in West Virginia.

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‘Course ol’ UD is also waiting for the part where it turns out the principal’s receiving kickbacks from Nik, the mentally challenged revivalist in question, per teenage hellion butts the principal puts in seats. Or whatever. There’s got to be some form of money corruption at play here; it wouldn’t be Jim Bakker-style revivalism without it. Let’s wait and see.

This rally tells UD all she needs to know about the future of this country. If the youth of deepest darkest West Virginia have the clarity, have the balls, to defend our fundamental principles this fiercely, if they still believe, despite all, that their teachers and administrators and superintendents are educable, WE ARE GOING TO BE OKAY.

You want to see a true revival assembly? This is a true revival assembly. Someone send this to Timothy Snyder, so he can stop worrying.

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And a shout-out to the science faculty at Huntington: Your required preacher, Nik Walker, has a lot to teach your students about empirical method!

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UPDATE: The superintendent will investigate, yada yada. Keep in mind this is the second time this school has foisted a mentally challenged fanatic on its students, so it’s clear we have a … structural problem.

The principal attended the required revival, so if the reason this keeps happening is that the person calling the shots keeps making it happen, this person must I think be put out to pasture.

At one point, [the judge] questioned whether the magnitude of opioid shipments delivered to the community might trigger some legal liability.

“Is there some point at which the number would be so great that it would be unreasonable?” [he] asked.

Nah! 81 million opioid pills for a city of 91,000 reflects a heroic dedication to the well-being of its residents — and the proof is in the pudding! One in ten of them is now a full-blown addict.

The only possible verdict in this trial of pill distributors is Presidential Medal of Honor for every CEO who unselfishly opened the floodgates so that Huntington West Virginia could stand as a shining overdosed city on a hill.