University of Nebraska Legend…

Dominic Raiola embodies college and professional football.

Of course Raiola never bothered graduating, leaving as soon as the professional leagues beckoned, but he’s still a legend at Nebraska because… uh… because not graduating… probably not even taking any real classes… is legendary!

With all the academic value he’d derived from his attendance at the University of Nebraska, Raiola hit the Detroit Lions, where his non-stop viciousness has earned him millions.

But UD can’t help thinking there’s something tragic about this seeming winner – a man who’s made it to the big leagues and the big money and big acclaim. Because although football is a spectacular outlet for murderous hostility against the world, games are brief, and vicious plays even briefer. There are practices, to be sure, but these too are fleeting. Football is no match for Raiola’s rage, and he’s always getting in trouble as a result.

Take his latest thing – Screaming at the University of Wisconsin marching band that they’re all fat fucks and cunts and faggots. No one knows why Raiola did this. The band did nothing to provoke him.

But we know. Raiola is exactly the sort of disturbed person universities like Nebraska make legends out of and professional football makes millionaires. For them, he’s a hero, and he’s a skill set. For everyone else, he’s a deeply troubled human being.

Once he gets his head sufficiently concussed, Raiola’s problem will become even more acute. Not that anyone gives a shit as long he gives Americans some really terrific hits to look at.

“You obviously have no idea how serious athletics is at the University of Louisville.”

You wonder sometimes what it really comes down to, the sort of people and customs it creates. You wonder about the actual daily nitty gritty of university life at schools where nothing matters but sports.

I’m not talking about the big public stuff, the big five-part Sports Illustrated feature on T. Boone Pickens’ Oklahoma State University and its multidimensional pigswill. I mean the microculture – the way people talk to each other; the way they dress; the way they interact, one on one.

For that, you need two types of stories that routinely hit the news:

1. the sadistic coach; and

2. the sadistic hazer.

These two highly placed boosters carry the microculture in a way we can see, a way chronicled – since it maims people and generates trials and lawsuits – by the local and national press. Oklahoma State’s macroculture is the five-part series; OSU’s microculture is the secretary of the Interfraternity Council who pulled a loaded gun on pledges when they said they wouldn’t take a bullet for their brothers. He didn’t shoot them, but in his rage he shot out the window of the pick-up in which they were sitting. Because they obviously had no idea how serious the brotherhood of boosters was at OSU.

My post’s headline comes from a voice mail the women’s lacrosse coach at the University of Louisville sent to one of her players. The university’s system of spies had spotted a player wearing a shirt with the name of a competing university on it.

Darby, change your clothes, don’t bother coming to practice today. Do you know that I just got a phone call about you wearing a Michigan State shirt? You obviously have no idea how serious athletics is at the University of Louisville. I do not want to see your face today until after practice, but your butt better be up in my office with a Louisville shirt on your chest when practice ends.

Winston Smith would have no trouble recognizing this message. It is the functional equivalent of mandating burqas for university women.

The University of Louisville – read about its vile, all-enveloping sports culture here (scroll down) – is now enjoying national coverage of this coach and her alleged abuse of the students on her team.

Are you beginning to see how twisted these all-American settings are? Looked at from both macro and micro perspectives, the nation’s sports sluts get sicker by the day.

‘When a public university sees fit to spend millions on scholarships, facilities and personnel in support of its athletic programs, it should not be incumbent upon Pennsylvanians to subsidize in whole or part any aspect of these programs, including retirement benefits. Athletic department budgets at such schools should be funded entirely from revenues generated by the athletic programs and non-tax-deductible contributions specifically dedicated to such programs, nothing else.’

Dream on.

After that Sports Illustrated series on Oklahoma State University…

you have to ask yourself: How does OSU top that?

Well, ask no more:

A 22-year-old Oklahoma State University student faces two felony charges for allegedly using a loaded gun during fraternity hazing.

Owen Hossack, a now former Alpha Gamma Rho member, faces two counts of pointing a firearm at an individual with the intent to harm, KFOR reports.

Hossack is accused of holding a loaded gun to a pledge’s head on Aug. 16 in an extended cab pickup truck and asking the student if he would take a bullet for his frat brothers. When the pledge said no, Hossack allegedly became angry and yelled before placing the gun up to another pledge and asking the same question, according to an affidavit. Shortly after the second pledge’s response, a flash of light was seen and the passenger window exploded.

No one was hit by the bullet.

klahoma!! Where the guns come sweepin’ down the plains!


Here’s some real tasty details I bet even Aunt Eller couldna whipped up.

During an interview with OSU police Sept. 11, Hossack said he fired the weapon at the window, which he believed to be open, to frighten the pledges.

Hossack, who was secretary of the Interfraternity Council in 2013…

Number One: Nuthin wrong with firin a gun out a open window. Everybody on the street oughta be armed to defend themselves.

Number Two: They voted me fuckin secretary of the whole Interfraternity Council.


UPDATE: Says here the shooter had passed anti-hazing training. Hm. Was the course explicit about not putting guns in people’s faces and threatening to shoot them? Sounds as though we need a little tweaking.

‘[Colorado State University Athletic Director Jack] Graham on Thursday said he remains convinced the project is financially viable, despite continued low game attendance…’

Listen to your AD, kiddies! He knows what’s best. What your school needs is a vast new expensive football stadium. Everything will be much better then.

Pay no attention to your university’s most recent football game! That tells you nothing. Nothing, do you hear me? Not a goddamn thing! Don’t quote from the article about it, UD! Don’t do it!

How does it feel to play a game in front of a half-empty stadium?


CSU has won both of its home games at Hughes Stadium this season, but fans haven’t shown up to watch. The Rams are averaging 16,832 fans at home, ranking second-to-last in the Mountain West.

While area flooding had an affect [Scathing Online Schoolmarm says: Make that effect] on Colorado State University distributing 14,146 tickets to the game against Cal Poly on Sept. 14 — the schools’ least attended home opener since 1968 — Saturday’s match-up with UTEP wasn’t much better.

It was 57 degrees, sunny and Ag Day — annually one of the most popular games of the season. But only 19,517 fans showed up to watch the Rams win their fifth consecutive home game. All five games played in front of less than 20,000 fans.

It fuckin breaks their fuckin hearts, man! Please give all you can to the new stadium fund!

‘[C]ompetition [from tv, social media, etc.] will only fuel schools and the NCAA to get more creative in how they improve the viewing experience in the stadium in an effort to keep people coming back.’

Yet another article worrying about students not going to football and basketball games even as universities build more and bigger stadiums, etc.

UD has suggested armed intervention.

Gentlemen on-field…

… and off.

Ole Miss: A refuge for bigots of all kinds.

The University of North Carolina newspaper explains to students how tutoring is done there.

Students should never hesitate to ask for help, and UNC has a group of highly trained tutors to whom they can turn.

Former UNC tutor Jennifer Wiley has been indicted for encouraging former North Carolina football player Greg Little to sign with an athlete agent… [S]he also provided Little with $150 before the student-athlete entered into an agency contract, and provided Michael Johnson with a roundtrip airline ticket valued at approximately $579.50 for the benefit of Little to travel between North Carolina and Florida.

Wiley’s no longer part of the UNC academic team (under indictment, etc.), but I’m sure UNC retains other tutors – especially tutors to athletes – willing to help you find an agent or whatever. Don’t be afraid: just ask!

Georgetown University, epicenter of serious Jesuit thought…

… has these sports teams, see, and some of them are ever so slightly at odds with that ethos… UD has already told you about their hiring as assistant basketball coach Kevin Broadus, a major player in the disgusting SUNY Binghamton scandal… AND that on his official Georgetown page the school has allowed him to expunge all reference to that history.

Add to that Georgetown’s own Mike Rice, as in the current allegations that the school’s women’s basketball coach has a propensity to bully his players.

All utterly typical big-time university sports shit, except that Georgetown thinks it’s better than that.

With the militarization of American universities proceeding apace…

… (see background here), we are going to need armories and we are going to need shooting ranges, by way of preparing campus police for crowd control.

Crowd control, in the current context of big-time university sports (start at 1:56), increasingly means keeping people inside the stadium or arena until the game is over.

One way to do this would be to use your tanks and guns to intimidate people into staying. Occasionally, you might have to fire (non-lethal) materials.

Ideally, these armories/shooting ranges would themselves be arenas and stadiums, so that university security personnel could get a realistic sense of crowd, uh, containment.

One central location UD proposes for a national armory of this sort would be Cleveland State University’s Wolstein Center. Like many excitedly built university stadiums (CSU was excited because one of its teams did well one year, and the trustees decided that before you knew it CSU would be king of the world, so they needed a new stadium), this one is an empty, money hemorrhaging mess.

After getting the latest year-end financial report, which again showed a $1 million loss, [CSU] trustees today said the university has to examine all options, even those as improbable as demolishing it.

But whoa! How about renting it out to universities all over the country (world?) for practice? With Berkeley having recently rejected an eight-ton armored truck as “not the best choice for a university setting,” we can anticipate industry offering a line of university-appropriate heavy weaponry – tanks in soft shades, with quotations from Virginia Woolf on them… Some of these could be gathered at Wolstein for use by any university interested in learning how to keep students in their seats.

CSU’s big competition is Florida Atlantic University. FAU is not only located in Florida rather than Ohio, but has a much bigger empty stadium (30,000 vs. 13,000 seats). CSU will have to act fast to secure market share.

“I wonder why [Ohio State University] would need a .50-caliber machine-gun cupola mount.”

OSU can see the trend as well as anyone else. When you’ve given everything your university has to football, it’s pretty important that people go to the games.

But people aren’t going to the games.

Which makes you, a university, a school, really, rather than a playing field, look pretty fucking stupid.

What to do?

Current stop-gap measures are incentive-based (see post below): Give students who stay in the stands two thousand dollars. If students promise to stay at least until halftime give them free drinks, free burgers, a stuffed toy, Legos.

But people tend to resent, after awhile, being infantilized. They tend to catch on to what’s happening.

This is where the Ambush vehicle comes in. The moment students start pouring out of a stupid pointless game, just roll that baby to the middle of the field and slowly, slowly, ever so slowly, revolve her turret… Give fans a good view of the big guy (one of the players?) up there on her “roof-mounted shielded traversing gun turret able to fit a 7.62 mm medium or 12.7mm heavy class machine gun.” They’ll get the message without your having to fire one shot!

Wussy little Berkeley ain’t biting yet.

Last year, when University of California-Berkeley campus police tried to buy an 8-ton armored truck, university officials canceled the order, saying such a vehicle was “not the best choice for a university setting.”

But give it time. You know how guys are when it comes to having the best toys.

‘Oregon devised a solution to slow its exodus: fast food. If the Ducks score 40 points, those who stay for the whole time earn a free “Jumbo Jack” hamburger from Jack in the Box.’

Students don’t go to football games; or they go and then leave after twenty minutes. Some universities burger and booze students to make them stay put; New Mexico State University pays them.

… ESPN host Keith Olbermann lambasted NMSU President Carruthers as the worst person in the sports world.

“In NCAA college football you can pay the coaches, you can pay the ADs, you can pay the announcers, yet you can’t pay the players, but now you can pay the fans too!” an outraged Olbermann told his ESPN audience. “New Mexico State University’s Garrey ‘We-will-bribe-you-to-sit-through-this-garbage’ Carruthers. Today’s worst person in the sports world.”

What glorious things our universities have turned into.

Well, it’s fall, and the too-exciting, much-anticipated university football season…

… is upon us, which is why, you might notice, UD‘s been covering one story after another about spectacular turnouts at these all-important early games. Georgia State University, for instance, has 32,000 students.

A few minutes before the start of the game, there were less than 70. Overall, I would estimate less than 300 showed up.

Scathing Online Schoolmarm says: Fewer than, not less than.

But that’s but a trifle here.

It sounds like something they’d rig up at Gitmo…

… but it’s just the latest effort on the part of New Mexico State University to get someone to sit through one of their football games.

[U]niversity President Garrey Carruthers and others have raised money to counter the often dismal student attendance at Aggies (0-4) games.

Among the prizes are $2,000, $250 and a VIP parking pass.

The winner of the $2,000 will be selected from all main campus NMSU students who are taking at least one credit at the school. If the student is there during the fourth quarter, he or she will collect the reward. If not, the prize money will be saved for the next game.

The Aggies have lost 15 straight games and have been beaten by a combined 201-62 this season.

Can you collect if you’re just, like, there? Do you have to be conscious?

‘Sweeee-eeeee-eeeet forgiveness!’

Sang Bonnie Raitt – one of my favorite songs back when… Can’t find it on YouTube, but believe me it was sweet…

Okay, so best I can do is Joe Cocker…

Yes, forgiveness of the $19 million worth of loans it not long ago got from the university sure would be sweet, says scandal-ridden University of Colorado’s latest athletic director to its board of regents…

The AD himself is barely getting by at $700,000 a year plus up to $8.5 million in bonuses but has magnanimously kicked in some of that money (won’t say how much) to his program’s endowment… For which oh God thank you Mr Athletic Director! You are our hero! It’s incredibly selfless of you to take a bit of the money Colorado gave you when it gave you the highest administrative salary in the history of the institution and give it back! Lord Bountiful!

Still, that pesky nineteen mill remains to be paid back. And things don’t look good revenue-wise.

I’m sure the regents can figure this one out. Jack up tuition like mad so that the athletics department doesn’t have to pay its debt to the school.

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