Just because we’re violent unregenerate hazers who reportedly take photographs in our house of members holding AR-15s doesn’t mean we should be evicted! Couldn’t be more proud of Chandler Elmore, owner and transporter of multiple big firearms and a football hero recruited from darkest Ark. How dare Wash U drive us from our home.

“It’s obviously not coincidental that this most recent incident [the AR-15 in the frat house] corresponded with the timing of our permanent suspension. Clearly, this is what caused our removal from campus,” [the fraternity’s vice-president commented]. “We understand the school’s frustration regarding the alleged social events. However, we also have frustrations and complaints regarding the way the school handled the initial investigation (which prompted our original suspension) and subsequent investigations that they conducted.”

We didn’t really haze actually in fact when you look closely. These were just some alleged social events. As for the AR-15, none of us knew anything about that, we promise. I mean, haha, except Chandler! The last thing in the world we’re interested in – after getting wasted and torturing pledges – is playing with big scary guns.

Montgomery County police said that [Alwin] Chen’s home was searched and officials found multiple guns, including an AR-15-style rifle, ammunition, multiple grenades, a tactical vest, and a C4 landmine detonator…

Just a hop, skip, and a jump from UD, the next 19-year-old mass killer, complete with a list of grievances against fellow students, steps up for his photo!

… Uh, I mean… make that 18-year-old. Highly educated counties like UD‘s feature precocious and far better equipped slaughterers. Does your local tyke-killer have grenades and landmines? Color me proud!

We’ll all go together when we go;
What a comforting fact that is to know.

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The defense team attempted to appeal to the judge by pointing to Chen’s status as an honor roll student with offers of scholarships at two universities…

A genius killer of children! Let him go! Free the guy! Two lucky universities (I wonder which? He’s local… GWU?) are competing for him… Alwin! Over here! Choose me! Choose me!

Speaking only for herself, and as a fellow resident of Montgomery County, UD would be honored to be mowed down by someone with amazing SAT scores.

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[Chen’s attorney called him] a ‘good student’ who has come to school every day, doing the things that we tell kids to do – ‘Join the athletics team, join the clubs, get involved with school, bring a loaded Glock.’

I added the last thing. His attorney forgot to list it.

Nothing against your AR-15 or anything… We love frats here at Wash U and have just loved hosting you… And – haha – nothing to do with the whole Parkland thing… But… uh… could you leave?

*************

And oh honey.

My lord what a morning.

If American universities actually start checking their fraternities for guns! It’ll be San Diego State all over again, baby! (Hm. Not really “all over again.” Guess it never really stopped.). Drug distribution networks around the country will be bereft, and no one will be able to figure out how to haze.

Fraternities are one of America’s very best places to hide weapons and drugs cuz you know – bright clean-cut lads preparing for the next charity carwash… Last place you’d look for AR-15s…

… to… Raqqa!

This post has gone viral. As it should.

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UD thanks her sister for the link.

… our nation’s schools.

The American version of Sophie’s Choice is playing out in Mississippi, and it is every bit as agonizing – more agonizing – than what Sophie endured.

Guns v Football. Guns, Football, Collide. Guns or Football. Guns, Threats, and SEC Football.

If a new bill fails to pass, you will have to choose between the two things you love most: Your AR-15 and the Rebels. You will not be able to bring your gun to university football games.

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Security officer, Vaught–Hemingway Stadium: You may keep one: football or the gun.

Snopes: Take my little girl! Take my baby!

Sing it.

An AR-15, peaches and cream,
Hair that sparkles and shines.
You’re nineteen, you’re lunatic, and it’s fine.

High velocity disintegrates me
Now I’m your angel divine
You’re nineteen, you’re lunatic, and it’s fine.

Dan Hodges’ verdict on Sandy Hook covers the latest child massacre.

NRA darling Marco Rubio gushes at this country’s amazing gun technology, and our amazing ability to put that technology in the hands of insane teenagers.

It’ll be even more amazing to see how much carnage a gang of insane teenagers will carry out. Hold onto your hats!

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Now 17 high-school kids and teachers are dead in Rubio’s backyard. And the man who has taken more than any other Florida politico from the NRA — $3.3 million as of this past October — still doesn’t want to talk about what he’s going to do about it. That’s because he’s going to do jack fucking nothing, which is exactly what the NRA pays for him to do.

A response to all the prayers.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
This tyke’s AR-15
Is aimed right at you

… when she sees scathe-worthy writing, she rises to the occasion.

Here’s the SEC commissioner trying to get Mississippi university leaders riled up against the overwhelming passage, in that state’s House, of legislation clearly paving the way for conceal carry folk to bring their guns to football games. He intervened in the very same way when Arkansas tried to get guns in the hands of football fans; now he’s sticking his nose in the business of the good people of Mississippi. Here’s what he wrote to the chancellor of the University of Mississippi.

Given the intense atmosphere surrounding athletic events, adding weapons increases meaningful safety concerns and is expected to negatively impact the intercollegiate athletics programs at your universities in several ways… If HB1083 is adopted to permit weapons in college sports venues, it is likely that competitors will decline opportunities to play in Oxford and Starkville, game officials will decline assignments, personal safety concerns will be used against Mississippi’s universities during the recruiting process and fan attendance will be negatively impacted.

Yes, SOS hears you. ‘SEC Commissioner’ describes a position of dignity and gravitas. The SEC Commissioner is not in a position to say

I’m shitting bricks thinking about your wasted frat boys whipping out their AR-15s and blowing everyone away.

But he could still have done a better job of writing to the chancellor. Let’s consider how he could have issued his warning more eloquently.

There’s a stiff bureaucratic feel to the whole thing, isn’t there? And given that he wants above all to convey a sense of urgency, dead language of this sort does the opposite. Notice that he begins all bass-ackward, backing up to his point rather than stating it right out.

Given the intense atmosphere…

No. Start right off with guns. Guns make football games more dangerous, and they’re already somewhat dangerous. In other words, the whole intense atmosphere thing begs for clarification.

I mean, having for a long time read coaches and fans talk about university football games, UD would have thought ‘intensity’ in their regard referred simply to wholesome fellowship and partisan fun! No? Ok, then don’t leave me hanging: Is there something else intense going on at football games?

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Well, think about it, UD. Look around an SEC stadium during a game. Did you ever see so many police? Why do you think they’re there?

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But of course the commissioner doesn’t want to specify the nature of pre-addition-of-weaponry football game intensity, because there’s a large athletics industry supporting him and his family, and that’s nothing to fuck with.

So, along the same lines, he goes for the unbearably ugly negatively impact to try to delicately gingerly ever so lightly skip around …

Skip around what? Good writing is more direct than this. You’d have to be insane to add guns to crowds of drunk agitated immature males.

And now for the windup, which of course features a second use of negatively impact. Finds it so nice he uses it twice.

… it is likely that competitors will decline opportunities to play in Oxford and Starkville, game officials will decline assignments, personal safety concerns will be used against Mississippi’s universities during the recruiting process and fan attendance will be negatively impacted.

I wonder why football players, specially in the south, might not be happy to play in front of tens of thousands of Mississippi university students with big ol’ guns at the ready??? Hm. Hm. That’s a real poser.

But anyway… Let’s redo this final clause, shall we?

Pads and helmets can only do so much. Bad enough you’re concussing your head. You’re also putting yourself out there in a huge open shooting gallery with armed angry drunk southern males. Ditto for sitting-duck game officials. People get real angry at officials. In the pre-technological world of high school sports, you have to get up, run onto the field, and beat officials to death with your own fists. With guns, it’s a piece of cake.

Georgia will not hesitate to tell recruits trying to decide where to play that they definitely could get their asses blown off in Mississippi. As for your fan base: Though the lads’ aim might be wobbly from a few hundred feet, they’re for sure not going to miss the nice broad back of the guy two rows ahead who just called them a motherfucker. So your attendance numbers aren’t going to be enhanced. Unless you add all the new fans who are there to shoot off their guns.

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Yes, yes, SOS knows that she has slipped into the sort of language incommensurate with the moral stature of an SEC commissioner. Sorry.

Guns at the University of Louisville.

Aw. That happened to me when I was twelve too. We’ve all been there.